Fifty Years, Seven, Eight discussed on Velvet's Edge

Velvet's Edge


Somebody might call high functioning where i just was cruising. I was doing great. I was kicking ass at work. I was doing all kinds of great things. Get into a relationship. Especially if they got into a relationship with someone who was avoided. I would everything would fall apart because everything became about trying to get that love. Avoid partner to pay attention to me is all i cared about. You know love me or validate mir whatever it is. I needed to cure person. So yeah i thought that's very common god. So i'd love x love avoidance always drawn to each other so if if we look at it as something that lying dormant right and this is not saying. Everyone's got you know. Everyone has a little bit of love addict or a little bit of love in them but I don't know that's not no. It's not the case because there are so addicted relationships. There's three types of co addictive relationships. You've got the love addict. Love avoidance to avoidance me together and. That's a very low intensity relationship but outside of the relationship there is intensity going on there may be affair or maybe there's some gambling or maybe there's an addiction or Maybe someone's you know spending too much money and shopping but in the relationship it seems very low intensity or works a lot like that work to interrupt but like at sometimes point that out because i've known that dynamic to in work can often be a way to keep intensity outside the relationship because your quote unquote so with work or whatever that i actually thank you for bringing that up because i think that might be if i were to make you know a guest on. This is that that might be the most common. Because it's also the most acceptable worse. You know the more you work the better you are the provider or the more you are the more our society values you'd more money you make whatever so in it's a really good weight it can be especially people in recovery. I've noticed that work can become the new addiction. Because you know what making up for lost time or getting lots validation there you know by throwing themselves into work and i actually have been guilty about that too. Yeah i had to catch myself because you will burn yourself out but then you also have to love addicts can be together to do. I can't imagine that. Oh yeah yeah. Someone told me it was in pia melodies workshop out at the meadows. They talked about Picture the couple of it's been married for fifty years and they do everything together and they dress alike. They both wear hawaiian shirts. They really fun you know like and they just cannot be apart you know. Every time them they can't make plans without each other. they can't eat different meals. They have to eat like just everything is together so it isn't that interesting because you're describing that i know people are listening and they're like oh sounds like a cute little couple you know like so. How do you know when there's a problem with the dynamic and win. it's just like because. I probably have never had a healthy relationship. I don't really know the answer to this. Right what healthy. I mean writing but but like what it how would you dictate if you just love to be with your partner or you guys are both love addicts like when when be the deciding factor in that question so i think everything is in its individual right like. Let's use the couple. That does every single thing together. They dress alike and all that if it works for them and it's not causing them a problem. A problem right but now you look at. Are they able to have relationships with other people. Because i think actually in the example i was using that i heard at some the metres workshop. They were talking about how the kids are affected in that that often times when the couple the parents are so love addicted together that their children are neglected. And so that's interesting. Yeah okay well I asked you to do. Maybe a little brief overview. Because i think people have heard the term code appliance the more frequently than love addiction like love addiction. It's finally now just coming onto the scene are it isn't my my world but Can you do a little brief description of the difference between the two. Because i am a lucky girl that has both but that's not always the case. Sure so i'm gonna reference Taher because he does such a great job and so he always his way he puts. It is it's not why the addiction it's why the pain and so if we're looking at childhood and attachment trauma right and so let's use. The example of being emotionally neglected. Not getting our emotional needs met that leads to It doesn't feel good as a child. You're it's painful and so we turn to something to help soothe ourselves and oftentimes for people who grew up to deal with love addiction. There's fantasy right. And it's i probably the fantasy of parents who was going to be nurturing and loving it only i do this then. Maybe they'll be like this. He'll love me more. They'll do what i want them to do. Behave the way to behave. But then that can develop into fantasy about another person who will come rescue them. That's very common in childhood. And i definitely did that when i was seven or eight. I started fantasizing about you know people on tv I always use my example of Erik estrada from chips. Than dr steve from starsky and hutch. I mean i really had serious. Crushes on them. And i used to fantasize about being a grown up and living in hollywood and being married to one of them. I'm what i learned later in my recovery. Was that it. Actually that fantasy wasn't about them. It was about.

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