Listen: Margaret, Amy Wilson, Laura discussed on What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood
"The delay delay delay P- what fresh hell laughing in the face of motherhood They have the pincher over for a play with Margaret. Abel's and Amy Wilson I am playing up a podcast that solves today's hello and welcome to this episode of what fresh hell laughing in the face of motherhood this is Margaret and this is amy and today we're talking about when other kids are bad influences influences. I mean there's a possibility that your kid is a bad influence we will talk about that there's a startling possibility in cases yes but probably what you're concerned about is when the other kid is a bad influence yeah and this was a question from Listener Laura I'm just GonNa Start with their question take it from there go for it I would love to hear you guys talk about bad influences and how to address them today at the park my five year old daughter made friends with an older girl that the girl who I could tell was fun and had a vibrant personality and see there's the rub not fun but it is kind of fun right they've got the twin Michael I mean that's the rub anyway so this older girl convinces Laura's daughter to be mean to lars three year old son to make fun of him and she says I'm not saying my kids are always angels to each other but typically my kids get along great and are each other's best playmates and I knew my kid would not have treated brother that way if not encouraged by her new friend and I would love to hear your thoughts on this this is an interesting topic wouldn't have thought of it myself manifest itself in a lot of different ways some funny ways and so not so funny is going to come in hot as I like to try to do and say that this is the perfect storm of parental projection to like what used Z. as a bad influence like it's very easy to say that the problem with your kid is the kid next year kid I think it's not that it's not an issue there's lots of ways we're gonNA talk about it but like this is definitely a check yourself one too you know and for my kids even check yourselves because I have a kid who gets in trouble at school he has I Brett personality and when he gets in trouble often saying to him well what happened I heard you were acting up today well really it was Mike who was sitting next to me who started league it's never hit he's always followed under the spell of a troubled you know he's got his own set of facts he's got his zone set of facts and let me tell you there's a like he did it quality do you remember block it's just coming to me now I would have looked it up but it was a story read and remembering so fascinated by it was a grammar school story that was a little boy I think he comes home second grade and he's always like Oh my God you won't believe what Oliver did today Oliver did this and Oliver did this and he poured glue in the teachers hair and it's like this long list every day and the mom gets really into it she's like Oh my God you tell me what Oliver today will she finally goes to the Teacher Conference the last night of the story is there is no name Oliver in the class and so it's sort of like it's just I think there can be a little bit of that quality and Oliver Quality well the situation in particular I mean I've seen my kids play with their cousins a lot and I've seen my kids become the third and a cousin situation right and all of a sudden there's lots of Asia that isn't usually present and it's because the triangulation possibility is present so it sounds like maybe this kid was double but maybe also it was just that your kid was trying to play up to the slightly older kid and the way to be like I'm cool like you is reject the younger person that would happen in any situation for sure certain kids are very susceptible to this behavior which is they get crazy I have one kid man when his friends are over like Oh look at Mr so and so suddenly lake ruler of the roost and Mr Smart Talk and talk becky you know he gets performance of around France so do you think that the kid who was a bad influence is often sort of the brightest and most interesting like the kid and one of my kids lives I'm going to keep this very vague you guys but the kid who in one of my children's lives who has as they've gotten older the one that I'm like okay I think maybe we're going to start spending a little less time with this kid based on some things I'm starting to pick up on but that kid as a smaller silence was the child who had the most to say to me like if I wanted to do said what to who in second grade this person was the source cub reporter in my kitchen but not in a tattletale right just like so what you want to know and I'll tell you everything Oh kid who was extremely serious extremely fun to talk to lots of personality I could see where my kid wanted to be with the Ed and maybe the devil also yeah of course yeah I mean to be a bad influence you have to fundamentally be a leader right you have to have some sort of leadership quality because no one's being influenced by the kids sitting in the corner you have to have leadership skills to be a bad influence I mean bad influence can be kind of lamenting away but then there's also I think you get over the more generic bad influence I think this will be a companion episode to episode about having different rules and the other kids parents like there's a lot of crossover there which is like there's also as you get older the bad influence that's not just like tell you to do stuff it's at kids who get start smoking kids who start drinking at an early age kids who become sexually active early like that's a different kind of bad influence right where it's not just like hey go so your sister that she's an idiot it's like their lifestyle and their structure and I will say that like I remember growing up that my parents were more wary of my friendships with people who came from kind of like less stable environments in a way and I remember thinking that they were just like vicious irredeemable snobs and then as an adult I see a little bit more perspective which is like they see those kids having fewer boundaries they were seeing behavior in the kids that maybe I wasn't seeing that I thought it was about their like snobbish ness and it was really about like well those kids are heading somewhere at a faster pace than you're going to get there and I don't know if you're ready for this is one kind of thing for younger kids and then a very different I'm kind of thing for older kids because you have to start to off load some of this that small voice in your head the older kids have to do a little bit of that for themselves and this is another senate like we work on verbalizing it all the time what do you see people doing so here's why this matters right this is a quote from Betsy Brown Bron Betsy ground Braun knock yourself out with that name you alliterative lady you just to like put parameters around why does this matter she says pure influence is arguably powerful throughout anyone's life but it's never more impactful than in childhood when the selfish still being formed so Laura is not wrong to be concerned about is my kid going to be super susceptible to behaviors were all dislike young kind anybody if it gets me in with the cool kid for five minutes it's not something you're going to have to like stay up at night worrying about but you're not wrong to sort of wonder about how do I sort of helped my kid make better decisions when confronted with these possibilities and you can keep your kid way from influences but we'll talk about whether that's always possible no even always a good idea some experts say no it's not a good idea we'll talk about why and also as kids get older how do we would help them start to make some of these choices for themselves about who they're going to spend time with or not Yeah and I would back you up on that as kids get every day this is like my thing of like you don't start letting the cross the street at eighteen like this is a conversation that starts happening at that playground with your five year old and then keeps going because the bad influences are coming there are non-negotiable so like you'd better talke about this at all ages and stages Betsy Brown Braun says that if your kids ten I just can't get enough of that name I wanna get we have to have her on the show right or just get a sweatshirt with that name Braun so she says anyway there's an article for Real Simple magazine that it's written by Jennifer Bleier I'm GonNa put the link in the show notes and she interviewed Dr Brown who's says if your child's under ten that you can talk with her about listening to that little voice deep inside conscience otherwise known that tells her to avoid Dane sure now it's not really dangerous for Laura's kid at the playground to enjoy picking brother for a little while it's not really dress so the message has to be a little more kingery excitement you get when you're first at a party where you know something illicit going on like it's if delicious sensation like unpleasant situation people would just walk away Dr Brown also says that with sort of actor who now amy Dr Betty Brown Brown thank you that you should be careful of bidding relationships with kids last you have a little Romeo and Juliet effect rebound Oh guys you got to hear Betsy Brown Braun on that one because that is really true now when your kid is little you don't have to be like you may not play with I mean we got I remember talking about this on this show once I got like totally east by another mom one of my kids was pretty young I said that I hear they really enjoy playing together at school we should set up a play date and this mom fully said to me well that's not going to happen it's like wow okay that happened to me as well she wasn't quite so but we had one of those disastrous play dates and the other mom was like the look of disgust even know why I guess my kid was a bad influence you're always the last to now well I think the cable guy is definitely an Oldie locks alert rain in the movie the Cable Guy The movie the Cable Guy Yeah probably back in my dairy Jim Carey plays the cable guy he gets obsessive Matthew Broderick I guess he installs his cable I've thought a long time ago exactly remember the plot he wants to be Matthew Broderick's best friend Matthew Broderick at some point is like I just don't have room in my life for any new friends right now and that's become like the phrase that plays mind when someone's like yeah we should do that someday I'm like Oh they're saying they don't have room in their life for any two friends right now they're cable guiding me I mean you have to take the head so when you're that mom and kid is that little you can distort of be conveniently unavailable for the invitations that come your way but your kids still going to be at school they still got a lot of playtime with the kid who likes to pinch the other kids yeah and like also guys like where human beings like the kid who likes to play pinch the other kids is maybe doing that because they're isolated so like maybe it'd be kind of part of the solution to like I worry that I come down a little too much on this is because I would overdeveloped sense of alert doesn't turn out that great like I resist strongly the idea that like there are good kids in bad kids and you're good kid needs to be protected from the bad kids if that's yeah really fun names from the experts this week guys good job if we have like a Sam Browne we can't have him on because he's too boring Dr Verdun says if you want kids are resilient and you can't isolate them from social pathogens think about the long view okay first of all I like for Duet I like his point but I'm saying missile pathogens may not be a helpful way to describe humans in order to make my point but go ahead there's a range I don't think the pinchers of social pathogen social region human cancer who comes into your child's life like relax but he says think about the long view your training your kids to handle less than ideal people solve their own problems yeah I guess I'm not in love with social pathogens but okay well all."
What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood