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Blurred Lines of Parenting


I'm talking with the fifty eight year old mother and her twenty seven year old daughter or calling them Rosa and penelope two years ago penelope had a baby on her own and has since moved in with her parents. Penelope relies on her mother to help take care of the baby but it hasn't been easy living under the same roof on the one hand. Penelope needs appreciates her mother's assistance at the same time. She's trying to assert her own independence and establish boundaries. Have you ever lived by yourself with your daughter outside of your mother's home now? So what's holding you back from moving out of your parent's house so if I were to move out at this very moment I am not confident that the first time my tire blows out. I'M NOT GONNA. Have you know five hundred dollars in the bank to address that issue would immediately becoming back to my my credit card or my family to be like? Hey can you help? I think it's really important to have a person to rely on. There's a day you'll come tired today year grouchy. There's a day you have the flu. There's the day that your child is a monster and after two hours you're about to explode and that everybody needs a backup and I've even told her. Try to make the upstairs like your little domain. There's three rooms you could have won. The baby has one and you could turn the other one into like a little living room. You don't WanNa be with us. Just hang out upstairs as if you were renting the second floor of an apartment. I mean you'd have to come downstairs to cook. 'cause there's no kitchen upstairs but other than that you know. We can put a door on the bottom of the stairs. Get you something to make it more private. She expressed that she kind of wasn't ready for that. But I just think it's silly. I think it's silly to be so tight that you can't breathe when there's another reasonable option or do you feel not ready for that like having a a more separate way of living in the same under the same roof. Yeah because to me. That's made permanent. Yes let's talk about it. It feels like you're exactly essentially that it feels to permanent that you're continuing. Oh we're going to keep furnishing this house to make you a separate as possible where I'm like. No I want to focus on. How do we keep making me as ready as possible to leave? This house is their attention. Because you need your mom's helping you enjoy her help but you also want to feel more independent. Exactly it's hard to know where to draw the line because I don't want to do everything on my own. I think she kind of has this dual have like a Co parent at times and then a mom and then also just. Sometimes I don't want you know. Don't want anything to do with her. As most children are at times with their parents so I get frustrated. I'll say something or I'll just a lot of times which is probably not the correct behavior. Just ignore her. For example I can just think of night before last. She went to dinner for her work. came home and the baby was still awake. Which unusual and it wasn't that late. It was a little after ten. Maybe ten thirty and she came in and she's like why is she still awake like because she's stays awake and she said okay. I have her and she got her but penelope she kind of looked like she might have been crying which is possible her eyes were little red rimmed and I was concerned about that so then she went upstairs and I waited. I don't know like five minutes. And then I went upstairs behind her to make sure she was okay and then when I went in the room I said is everything. Okay and she said get out of my room get out of my room like okay and then I came over and I like hugged Terry said Mom. I said get out of my room and that I left. That's a great example. That's a common dynamic. That sort of leaning on your parents for dependency and then pushing away from them to both learn how to feel like an adult yourself and take care of yourself but also sometimes projecting that rage onto your parent that you're angry. You're not more independent. You're angry need them. So she's right. I was upset when I came home. And there was all that stimulus. The baby was still awake. My mom was up. My father was up You know all of these people kind of there to greet me with whatever's going on I just wanted to you know. Take the baby go to bed kind of half my decompression and then when she saw that I was upset then. She cannot help but she always wants to say something. Whether it's what's wrong are you okay or give you a hug. Whatever it's just frustrating to me when I expressed that before of like hey. I don't like that when I'm upset. Maybe later asked me like. Hey was everything okay. That's not something you have to deal with if you're in your own space so you're in a process of calming down and you just don't want someone interrupt that process yes. You're not worried that you won't get there yourself. Yes so mom. Do you notice about your daughter that she likes chase. You need space so she tells me that she needs space she. She has told me that on numerous occasions. You say it with a with a little bit of a smile. Like what do you mean when you say she tells you that shade so yeah it was? Kinda GONNA go there. Yeah tell me so sir. From the time she was little she's always been Mike. My more sensitive child more easily upset by things as well as a young child. She was easily overwhelmed. I would use those words so then a two year old is a handful for any human being through and she works and she's very good at her job. She's got so many things going well for her but then she comes home and sometimes she crashes you sometimes she comes in and sometimes honestly she doesn't even say is it. Okay if I leave the baby downstairs. She leaves the baby and heads up the stairs. Well a lot of the Times. I'm just tired. I'll just had upstairs decompress. Take a shower half a minute to myself. So you don't ask the grandparents sometimes. Yes but sometimes

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