Molly, ROB, United States discussed on Broken to Brave
Number twenty nine went back. After surviving the phone call I had a date on the calendar to go see my mom at her house. She did give me out and said that if it's too hard, we can meet somewhere else. I appreciated that but I knew if it was that scary and filled me with such panic that it was what I needed to face. I had to be brave or else. What was this year for? I couldn't back down now. I was going in with Molly and I wore my comfy sweater sprayed with a little bit of Rob's Cologne to ground me. My mom had assured me that they had redecorated. So there was no sign of him left. That didn't make me feel better it actually just made me sad. We went in and she showed us the changes I breathed and held myself together. We sat down and attempted to catch up but superficial doesn't work for US anymore. We are so far past the masks we used to wear to keep the peace. Yet attempts at discussion are only met with silence. Rob's finish Gina's master's degree silence. My mom tells me that a family member has done something or other. Let's Nice. More silences we both tried not to choke on the words we didn't say. We did the stance for forty five minutes and then went to lunch lunch was easier because we had the hostess and waitress to interact with. My mom asked if we would go to the cemetery afterwards we did. That to me was much easier than walking into her home. This placed didn't remind me of him. It reminded me of my siblings though and instead of the usual feelings of sadness or anger thoughts of them would bring up. All that I felt was indifference. I could see how far ahead come since that day we drove off in our car and left them all behind. We drop my mom off afterwards and it was done. It had been fine awkward but fine. I did it. I had some closure. We got through the first visit. It's sad that the bar. Low. I talked to my daughter. We have difficult conversations. I don't hide from my mistakes or shortcomings as a person or as a parent I, work really hard to heal. I never want anyone to feel the way that I feel in my family of origin I never want my daughter to feel that the decisions she makes in her life will determine my love and affection for her. Not going to an event should not cause someone to be shot out if molly sets boundary or shares in need or a feeling with me and I don't respect it the problem is with me not her. This cycle ends with me. I don't know if I can ever reconcile with my mom I. Don't know how I do that with someone who is determined not to see me as anything but an extension of her wants and needs or a check mark on the list. Sometimes bravery is going back. One last time. Episodes of broken to brave. Every Tuesday and Thursday thank you so much for listening and for joining me on this journey of healing and growth. If you want to go deeper into the story inherit from a spouses perspective my husband and I have a Patriot only show where we have an extended behind the scenes discussion of every episode, which also post twice a week. Here's a sample of our latest Patriot only companion podcast. As far as molly I'll probably go so far the direction that it's like. You don't ever have to come home you know like. Because I don't want to be putting that on her I don't want her. I would never force her to never feel that I may bribe or with really cool stuff here or like I may be like, Oh, my God I'll. Always want those times I don't share. Above. But yeah at the same time, I want her to have her best life, and if that means going often having wild adventures and we're just I love it. That's okay. Yeah. I want okay because we want we're we're never going to outgrow wild adventures and so you and I are just going to be like okay cool. She's going to where you WANNA go and that's what I was saying to her to before was that yes, you can go and do that but we're going to send you pictures of US giving you the finger from all these cool places. And she was dying she's like that is the most youth thing that could ever happen like she's like, of course, you're going to do that and and I said, but we're not going to hold it against you. We're not going to make you have to answer for for the rest of your life or pay for it for the rest of your life. We literally will be good with it and and we're GONNA Disney trip planning this guy. Who of us? Hilarious Trudeau then we go through all the gift shops and by all the things she wanted when she was three and be like, wow, look and look at how much glitter look at we're using all the glitter. Over fully glitter I hate litter more than anything and so I will never let her touch although she did just buy like this Rolon that has glitter all in it and she's so excited but I would just be like whipping glitter everywhere going look we're at Disneyworld with glitter and you're not here we spent the night in Cinderella's castle. We literally walked in and fell asleep. So I don't even know what I'd be like Oh my God we had sex twenty times creek her out. It's Rose Oh she just. would-be. So horrified by that, that would be hilarious I said to her once she was going to a camp. She was going to retreat thing like an a weekend long camp and I was like, all right. We're going to have so much sex and she was like you're disgusting you know like Oh you know but it's funny right and she goes I said I said that to you you know weeks ago or whatever, and she goes Oh, it only took me until I was eleven to have my first repressed memory. That's my kid. But. Very different childhood than I had. Yeah. You got repressed memories but they're not nice. To hear the rest of this episode and get other exclusives become a patron to broken debris at Patriae DOT com. You can also follow my blog at broken debris dot com for even more insights and engaging content links are in the show notes broken to brave as production of southgate media, group, hosted, and written by me Martha Southgate. Thank you so much for listening now to something. Brave..