Iraq, Mazal Tov, Rodney Mack discussed on Help! I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared
What would you guys right down like myself either. I don't think anyone of anybody in the studio. Now though I mean I wouldn't myself although I am underlying all of the self-deprecation and all that stuff I am one of the biggest EGOMANIAC so I think that I possibly know and so it's like a weird dichotomy between the two but I think that people don't put themselves because they're looked outwardly right like they're not trying to. They're not looking at themselves and saying me I value myself the most which they should but I think that there's GonNa looking outward more one thing. We were never taught that in school right to I think now it's starting to change our education. System is starting to change with even emotional regulation and stuff like that but growing up in elementary school I was I was never taught how to love myself totally allowed you the most bull things in school like how to dissect a frog Iraq or how did you the pedigree in therapy. Why do we need to know that in our life. I have no idea but I also think that helping others gives for me a satisfaction of joy and and so that is somewhat selfish so when I value other people I guess I kind of do value myself a little bit just because I know that by doing good it makes me feel better. So is that a self shack well. I don't think selfish is actually a criticism. That's a whole other topic I think for especially for women selfish is considered a criticism and self less is considered a compliment but part of the definition of selfish is actually having concern for your own desires and needs and I don't think that's a criticism being selfless having no concern for your own desires the needs and I think it should be the criticism about everything else so I think you can't pour from an empty cup like it's all good to be of service to other people and if that makes you feel good like Mazal Tov but everybody feel good right yeah but if you are first taken care of like you can't pour an empty cup. I think that when you are depleted you can't be service other people I also think people don't value themselves as much as they value other people because as human beings we you know as an individual I know every thought that goes through my head and and I know every act that I do and there are times where I am selfish and there are times when I do things just for myself and I think that knowing that as an individual and human even being immediately. I hate myself for that. Does that make sense even though you shouldn't and I think everybody goes through this because everybody selfish at a point right you know everybody does things for themselves and so knowing that I do that already. I think it already gives me that thought of like well. People are already. It makes me hate myself. If that makes sense guilty of course how can you not you know yeah. I mean I can relate to that. I think growing up I was someone who is. I am still such a giver but I think once I decided to take charge and what my happiness looks like an I still struggle the with that every day still struggle with like really making time for myself I haven't before I went on the show. It's been three years that I've had a solid workout and for me that was linked so heavily to my mental health. I felt so good I would eat better. I would be happier and now I'm just like Oh. It's hard for me to wake up in the morning. It's hard for me to eat better because I that part of my life. The puzzle pieces missing and I just haven't found time for it and that is such a big excuse. I think it's so easy to make excuses for yourself in life and it takes a much much stronger person to be determined to say I'm going to do this and I'm GonNa stick by for myself. Like you said time is your most valuable asset and I think people say you can't find meantime like I found balance. Balances a noun and a verb it's not hiding under the couch is not a game of hide-and-seek. It's not like find peace out and you're done. It's I use it as a verb because it's in the constantly have to work on every day so like prioritizing your workout or your gratitude journal or a Rodney mack of kindness or community like all of these things have been proven scientifically to contribute to your well being and happiness like I always go back to the data and the facts not the Wu stuff and like I'm not saying don't be a giver and don't develop community because that's actually one the biggest telltale signs of successful people that they have developed relationships and cultivated them but not at the expense of yourself. I mean think about like dating to like Hello Hello. I totally second dating. This is a part of my life that I have not figured out but I know like if I don't have my own going on like I'm not going to be a partner. You guys his. I'm assuming don't want somebody who's like all about the other person I mean for so many years. I would say well when I got married. When I find somebody then I'll go on this trip. Then I'll have that adventure sure and then I was waiting and waiting and waiting and I was tired of waiting and I just went on the adventures by myself. I went to a movie by myself. I was like this is the rattus thing ever in the first movie I saw by myself was the glass castle because nobody wanted to see it with me and I was like I really love this memoir. I WANNA go see it so I just want my first movie we ever saw by myself with Superman returns. Nobody wanted to go see it with me opening day at eleven. Am for showing the slightest yeah anyway moving forward. It's very Iran for this conversation Superman too but you should kill superman right like for you. I think this fictitious the idea that we especially as women and I had to choose women but all the advice is for everybody. I think when you're writing books you have to just pick your audience. You can't be all things to all people but the advice is for men or for women and it's this ideal that were you know trying to live up to something that is unattainable like we've leaned so so far into everything. Vanessa that ising women in particular are just falling over like we're comparing ourselves to the best versions of each aspect of our lives so like in our fitness this regime we compare ourselves like the fitness blogger that has the you know works out five hundred hours a week that's possible but whatever or we compare are. Are you know being a mom to some home. You know some woman who makes bread and home schools. Her kids and we compare our business to like some. CEO of a multibillion dollar company and they don't have the same responsibilities that we do but we try to be the best at each of those things and that's crushing us right and now it's worse than ever because because we we can tap into everyone's life and feel like we're part of it and then really feel like we can parasols through social media instagram the pictures. It's it's so hard and I relate to that too. I think people think you know they get someone's lifestyle. I remember when I was single. Mike will look at a married couple and and be like all they have the perfect relationship where I would look at something that that I didn't have and then at one point like what if they're looking at my single life silent thinking I wish I were single or I wish I had that too so that's when I started really appreciating the life that I that I have and taking advantage of it I one question that they do have though which is hard for me to do is to I feel like I'm really good at sensing people's energies but it's sometimes hard for me to like avoid. Wade having toxic people in my life. How what kind of advice can you give to someone like me. Who's like a that person is toxic. Make sure or that you do set that boundary so that they don't you know put on that negative energy and onto your life it's true. I actually had to go through my whole friend. List and friend breakup are harder than break-up breakup and a lot of cases but I really had to say just because we have history together like and you're draining my energy but you're not would actually telling your friends sorry. We're not hang out anymore or you just kind of like ghosting them as a friend. Yeah I have a whole planet in the book. Actually sometimes like you actually have to say something and sometimes you you trail off and you're protecting yourself because I'm going through this phase right now where I mean it's not really the same thing but in a sense it is I'm on following a lot of people on instagram. That aren't like motivating me me to do the things that I want to be doing. If I haven't talked a long time I still follow checking out. There are very on falling many many people because they're not adding any value L. you to my life and we don't. We don't talk regularly so there's no point in me continuing to keep up with their life right. So what do you think it's important for me to reach out to them and be like hey. I'm following you know. We need to have that conversation soot. You're saying sometimes it's necessary to have that if they bring you and they're like. Yo So I been confronted by multiple. They say hey why'd you and follow me on Instagram and I always say oh. I'm sorry I guess it must must have been a glitch in the APP or something already follow because I'm so unconfrontational that I don't want to be like I don't know. I just wasn't interested in the stuff that you're posting anymore or I don't know what what is your advice on that yeah. I mean I would just say I'm using my instagram primarily for work right now and I hope you're a while or whatever you know. I don't think you need to lie necessarily about it and most of the stuff that you probably do on social media is for work. It is but it's also it's like I still fall a friends. I was just say Oh. I'm only following travel dog accounts right now so I'm not following any human accounts dance. We feel like we have a responsibility to certain people you know for a variety of reasons and studies have shown that you need two out of three things to maintain chain relationships so shared history so if you grew up together or if you went through something traumatic together common interests of you like the same things and also an equality the end the relationship so somebody is not a march if you only have one of those things that's not. I seen -able relationships. You actually have to ask yourself if you have more than one of those things and if you don't then cut people to the curb I mean time is your most valuable asset. You can always get more money. You cannot get more time yeah. That's so hard though I mean I guess when when when it comes to friends and not that might be easier but if you're working nine to five job and you're with people who are toxic. How do you get rid of them. Or how do you distance yourself from people who are not compatible with at work yeah I mean well. It's important to have like work. homeys to the elevate you and if asymmetry is a drag on your time. I mean it's case by case dependent but I went through so when I had this total breakdown I needed to rethink basically everything and everything we've we've been told as cliche had to go back and say like is this actually applicable to me is I listed it by city and I came up with you know my notebook doc and I literally wrote down like here are the people who are good influences in my life in. La in New York and I would like stick to the list because in a time of clarity thirty I wrote down that list of people who elevate me are contributing to you know my betterment of migrant or my you know share my morals or values values or whatever and then like in a time of weakness where they're tugging at me I go back and I'm like were they on the list when I was like in this really good space and then I cross checked that we'll Nicole. I just wanted to say thank you so much for joining us today..