Instagram, Matt, Knicks discussed on Velvet's Edge

Velvet's Edge


About that is that we look at it and think. Oh if i quit drinking then everything's going to be better right and you know it. It does get better but then what that does is just clears the crud so you can look at the crowd underneath that. You don't have the medicaid or anymore right. You're not exactly right so Matt's win a lot of times. The love addiction will actually flare up. I worked with a lot of clients who get sober. I realized oh. Wow look at my relationships there of really big mess right so yes so interesting. Well a message you because follow you on instagram. Obviously you're at jodi white l. p. c. Right just so you know. It's a great instagram. And if you're identifying with any of this dynamic. I really highly go suggest as suggests you guys go follow her just because you give these like motivational quotes like it's always comes at the right time to you or you make fun of yourself in some sort of addiction way and it's like yes. Okay this is okay can give you hope. This doesn't have to be doomsday. All the time. But you did opposed that really resonated with me and it's about relationship dynamics which obviously most of this stuff is about but it was one specific thing that i really really find myself doing and i've seen so many of my friends do it. I think it's common actually. But i wanna read posed in then i wanna talk through the different things that maybe we do in this dynamic an how you know maybe some tips on how we can do. Things differently for reasoning but So you said any fine. The actual the actual post says if you're waiting for a partner to do the work themselves the work you believe. They need to do in order to be better. That's the same as hoping they'll change or become someone else. We must get to know a person for who they are right now. That's like the key word for me right now. not who. We hope that they will be at some point in the future by therapists when rendell's like or that one before it was kinda like a gut punch but there was this same thing she says. I i have this tendency to date on potential. Yeah have you heard that before. Yeah i use that a lot that it's like the addiction to the potential right. What they could be if the knicks fans like you were talking about earlier so you say in the caption that you said i'd meet someone then. The fantasy would kick in overlook the reality of who they were either lack of availability but it often get into their relationship with them instead. You see the red flags but you wouldn't necessarily stop yourself right right and so look functional adult me solid red flag you know. Wounded child me was like but only if i could do all these things. Let me perform. Let me do this. Let me hold onto hope and potential. Because that's what i've been doing. My whole life is like show holding out for the potential of what could be better. If a if only i can do this or that but i mean if you're anything like me like i'm pretty skilled at doing that kind of stuff. So this is how this is what i tell myself and For a while it does work. You know like i can. I can see the different areas. Eating were online. I got that one. I could do that or could help them with that. And then we could like really out and then like. This would be better if we did this. And i've got the ideas already. But it's super subconscious. I don't realize i'm doing this. Obviously but i can see where once all of that stuff is sorted out. This will be the perfect relationship. Right right meow. My entire life falls apart right because we're so over focused on the person that we're with and over functioning in the relationship to try to get all that stuff to work. Yeah right so so. Let's go back to ever saying about the issues with steam which is one of the symptoms of codependence. Okay so then that back correlates into symptoms of love addiction. Which is we put someone on a pedestal. We overvalue the person that we're with right. I mean isn't that people aren't valuable but when we overvalued them right we're putting them on a pedestal. We're making them bigger higher than us. Right. so let's look at when we are believing that we know what would be best for this other person. We're actually one upping. It's like i know it would be best if only they would do therapy and they'd work on that thing or if only they would curtail that drinking that drinking got apartment. They're drinking so what we're doing is really judging. And we're one upping so. I believe that we do that. To kind of Soothe the insecure attachment that we have when we have them on a pedestal. It's of painful. It's uncomfortable to think better than us. Oh you know. I need to be. I need to be hot and sexy. And all these things. In order for this person who's way up on that pedestal. To love me. The way i need to be loved. That doesn't feel good. It's based on our insecurity. And so i think when we do that If only i can change them. And tweak this and fix that. That's a little bit of One upping in order to kind of counter are insecure attachment. And how painful. That is a never really realized that because it is interesting because you can be both right like i can look at a situation and go. There's a part of me that maybe if i'm being really honest takes comfort in someone else having like not right. Because i'm i i compare their outside of my inside so if my insides are a mess it's like oh good okay. I'm not the only one that's got someone on Because of my insecurity piece. I guess but then there's some stuff where i'm like. Oh i've done a bunch of work. I've been in recovery for many years. I know about that. Like i have a lot of knowledge. I know what to do. You know but in reality it takes me out of my own program work in the focus on me and back into my really unsown over engaged in fact exactly see how that works that goes around this circle dot kind of thing And i guess. I should also say though like when i posted that i did get a message from someone saying that people can change and nowhere in there. Do i say that people can't change I'm a therapist. I believe people can change. Yeah and i've seen it. I've done it right. But what i'm saying is we're talking about co addictive relationships people who struggle with Tech metron man love addiction. We get into relationships..

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