I feel strongly that that being able to talk all of that through every single bit of it was deeply deeply healing for me. Whatever it was that grabbed hold of me at fourteen. I've never thank. God had to to deal with that question again but then of course my son had to well. Let's talk about your son and his life This struggle when in fact you were divorced from your husband and you did not get custody of your son. I have a feeling that was a fundamental crack in the feeling that a child has of security with the mother do think kids belong with iran's main pretty much it was the common practice certainly not to separate mothers from from children those in those days and even now there's a there's a a proportion of judges who feel strongly that that children should stay with their mom. Why were you not given custody. Well the the the rumor in in rockland county in connecticut was from my lawyer was that that i was in therapy and i lived in new york. I was a very different maverick. I was an eccentric in terms of what was usual in in those times. And i was told by my lord at that was the reason who knows that it's possibly had nothing to do with it. But for the for the record i'll say i'm pretty sure it did and your husband had what was considered then a more stable situation for your son. How old was your son. When you and your husband separated. He was about three and a half four years old and i lost custody when he was five..