Nathan, Facebook, Mike Ramos discussed on Terrible, Thanks For Asking
And it just really scared me that I would have that on my plate plus a guy because I thought I was already doing what God didn't want me to do, and then to do that and plus move up in his church, like I was scared of my religion more than my love. So moving up in the church without a secret boyfriend, teenage, Nathan tried to not be gay. I started talking to this girl. I met on a Facebook chat group and choose my same age and we connected because both of our moms will her mom just passed. But my mom was just really sick and we're like, oh, sick, moms. We connect with like terminal illnesses. Yay. And then we started chatting and I was like, this girl's perfect. She'd be the perfect beard and she lives out of state. So no physical contact. So I told my friends at high school felt like I had a girlfriend. I showed pictures of her. But of course, the long distance girlfriend doesn't make him straight. I didn't know how. I thought I could just push it away and pretend like it wasn't there unlike covered up. And so I put on the facade of how everyone saw me as this happy smiley, Nathan. Nathan never showed any emotion but happiness. So everyone thought Nathan was great, Nathan spied. And so I just kept that up forever, pushing his feelings away and covering them up, didn't make Nathan straight, either made everything worse on the outside. Nathan appeared to be like every other faithful Mormon boy in his community. And on the inside I felt like trash human, I felt as if me as a person that is Livy was not worth living. I felt as if who I was and who I am. Was basically sentenced to a life of damnation and that I could change if I really wanted to. And that. If I didn't change, I wasn't trying hard enough. And that. I was just a mistake that got accident. We made. Nathan thought about death every day. He struggled with severe anorexia, sometimes eating just two meals a week, and he tried conversion therapy, not inefficiential conversion therapy. He just made up his own. I like force myself to watch straight porn once a week. I sometimes we went to high school parties or like just random parties in like force myself to make out with women or girls. They weren't women yet, and I forced myself to do those two things at least once a week with the making out in twice a week with straight poured. It didn't work. And that was devastating to him because he just wanted to be the person that he thought God wanted him to be. You know, that feeling when you're like running and running and running. Like one thing I'm running through like a pit of sinking sand and nothing's happening, and I'm just stuck. And then on the other hand, when I was with a guy, I literally felt like a jet and I just like zoomed off and it was just like Whitney, Houston, singing all the man that I need. And she's just so love and empowered at Mike Ramos shooting through her house, and she is in love. So that was high school for Nathan messaging with his long distance. Girlfriend watching straight porn making out with girls at parties and just desperately wishing he were straight. And then he graduated high school was over and for a lot of non Mormon closeted kids. This would mean you are free. You're done with high school, go off to college and beer self, but Nathan was a Mormon and he had other responsibilities. So in the Mormon faith. Now men can go on a Mormon mission. While men are required to go on a mission for two years, a Mormon mission is overseen by mission president, and this guy helps the young men in their efforts to spread the word of Mormonism. The boys don't usually drive cars and they've specific uniform. They have conservative suits or white shirtsleeves with a big square name tag and their mission on this mission is to convert people to Mormonism Nathan's mission takes him to the Florida panhandle in southern Alabama, Mississippi. Georgia, it's hot and humid and he's gotta wear a full on suit and ride a bike everywhere. And it's intense in every way the days are highly, highly regimented. Nathan lives with another Mormon elder, which is what they're called. They are each other's companions, which is to say they are roommates who do everything together, like everything all day..