Pejoratives discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
The whole premise is wrong in a way right yet will by the way the reward for finding the right guy is not that you'll enjoy it or have an orgasm or find joy in intimacy is just that you won't have the shame and regret right. He won't be made a fool of in made to be a slut and all these other. Pejoratives is true that most young people want to explore sexuality and a trusting relationship. But you know we just act like doing this one thing one time suddenly going to make you experienced or only make you know something that you don't know and we all know that's a lie if you make out with somebody you're fifteen years old and you make out with somebody for three hours. You're experimenting with like sensuality in Communication. And you'RE GONNA learn a heck of a lot more than if you get drunk at a party and the random to punch your visa card. You know no you're right. The the much bigger source of that feeling of intimacy and love and connection is actually in eroticism. Sensuality right. Yeah okay so with girls. There's that issue there's also these two options on the table right. Which is year either a prude. Or you're a slot right those both of which are negative. Who had you know? What's the right number? How do you? How do you like one girl said to me? Usually the opposite of a negative is a positive but when you're talking about and sex there's two negatives so where do you go on that poll and where you are now so personally? I was super sexual really young. I was molested when I was younger. So it's hard for me to iron out what I think. A humans just natural disposition is to that I certainly desired at greatly. I don't know how much I can speak to. You like your average boy but I definitely do remember having many friends who I was shocked to learn like didn't WanNa have sex so like I was subscribing to this serotype as well that like boys just WanNa have sex and then occasionally I would have a friend that would be like yeah. I'm scared to do that and I was like. Oh I wasn't expecting that. Yeah I mean that's you know one of the things that I talk a lot about with boys. Is that stereotype? Throw down to fuck you know. They aren't necessarily. There's that pressure that you're supposed to be that way guide in the hallway. You get status. That's a big way to get status hooking up with as many as possible with as little as possible in trading partners disposable and guys had related to that all kinds of different ways. I mean I was thinking about this one guy who said he'd had a bunch of hoops in college that included intercourse. And he said it's it's weird because it's like there's not a lot of I contact. It's a lot of conversation and it's like you're acting vulnerable without being vulnerable. Yeah you're you're you're you're taking physical steps of vulnerability but there's really no emotional wounds and vulnerability issue is really interests you and oh big time. Yeah sometimes after book. He don't realize what it's about till after you write it And they start talking about it and I realized that really at the heart of this book and you see the word vulnerables like a neon sign throughout the book. Is that issue of guys. Rustling with the taboo against vulnerability whether it's that they're rejecting it or denying it or embracing it or capitulating it. It's all of it whether you're talking about the masculinity itself or all the different ways that I talk about the relationship to sex and it's always dancing around that it's always trying to reckon with that and with the wall you know that they've all put up between themselves that vulnerable self in the world yet and I was really acutely interested in how things have changed since I was that age when I was reading your book and what I saw which was completely consistent is still the worst thing you can be is a girl in any capacity so being vulnerable as being girly or you know not wanting to fuck would be girly and all these things. The only thing beyond that of course is to be a fag right and so I was curious if that was still the thing and it is still a thing but then I was really interested to hear that. They are very explicit about the fact that they don't mean gay right they still say fag but they just WanNa be clear. We're not talking. We're not saying that about sexual right. I mean th th. There are a lot of differences with poison. I mean they have female friends. They see girls as totally deserving of their places in the classroom and you know on the playing field leadership and in professional. I mean all that is there too. And that's why was started when we were talking earlier about grills on the contradiction that I was always interested in these contradictions between the new and the old. I think that's what's going on with guys like this sort of inflection. Point in a way with boys who were. We were with girls twenty-five years ago. And so that stuff you know when I would say what's the ideal guy they would still be saying. Yeah athleticism dominance aggression sexual conquest emotional support themself lettuces. All I was shocked I thought it was like famous. Still still absolutely you know when I say that. Even though that wasn't necessarily they were also think about what's small percentage of the high school population that applies to what percentage of people are athletes or are actively involved in that. You know it less than ten percents. You've got an ideal that less than ten percent of the people are going to achieve. It's just a kind of a bad recipe right out of the game. You know right but back to the you know to the fact thing. It didn't mean to them. Necessarily that they were questioning. Somebody's sexual orientation and they would say. I would never say that I have gay friends. I would never say that capers and that makes it. Okay I don't think so but it was about masculinity right and there's this is the antithesis of masculinity and it can be it's like slot can mean anything can be applied to anything it can you know and so it creates like when they talk about the man box or the. Maske live in or whatever you WANNA call it that draws the line stay tuned.