Listen: Wanna, Emma, Taylor discussed on The Viall Files
"I mean real friends yeah Two years later yeah. That's nice. That's normal yeah. But that's like a moment in time though where you all kind of bond over this similar we're thing and then naturally you're just gonNA pair air with somebody who like that change for interests and you don't need someone to relate to that intense experience anymore like you did coming off right right. But it's still fun to have that like I still talk to Taylor from the Rachel's Oh project 'cause we like experience that very strange thing happening together together and you know it's still nice to have that person to say like you know you remember when XYZ happened or wasn't that the weirdest thing you kind of you need those people in these this wonderful holly weird world going good. How are you good? What's what's her name? I'm Emma twenty two. Hi How can we help you So basically I've been dating waiting sky. We've been dating for two years But I've known him for eleven years so good portion of our lives we've known each other And he you won't ask me to move in with him and I don't really know why because we've talked about getting engaged in the next year and that's been okay and have made it clear hear that I won't say yes unless we live together I For a decent period of time. So I'm not really sure why that's not happening. And I have brought it up and every time they bring it up he gets really wishy washy about moving in or not moving in or I don't really know what to do okay. It's funny because I do my question with neck. If this was questioned was neck. I'd give a very concise short answer here but let's let's dive into it a little bit more. Mm Uber dating for two years. You said I mean the fact that you've known them your whole life I don't WanNa say doesn't matter. It obviously matters to you. It doesn't matter in the context of your particular problem. You know as well we've known each other since we are eleven. Why won't he moved in with me like well? That wasn't really relevant at fifteen right yeah And are how. How many nights are you guys spending together right now? Like four to six and I've told him to like if you need need space. I'm cool thing at my house and you can have your time. And he's always like no no no don't do that. I want you to be here and I'm like I'm not what you don't get angry about it if he doesn't say really don't care either way but I mean listen yeah. The short answer is He there's an ask you because he doesn't want to move in with you right now He's not ready to get engaged. So your is my guess Based off of this. And that's okay based off the you know I wa at home. I don't WANNA get engaged until I move in with you and we talk about engagement doesn't mean he's ready to be engaged. which you know? It's it's easy to have these conversations and it's fun to talk about it and I would. I would think back about like who's initiating this conversation. A conversations right is kind of a willing participant to these conversations where he's being agreeable and saying yeah of course let's get married someday you know and you're the one who's maybe suggesting it's slightly more often than him. You know yeah that's part of what I'm not really following is moving in together me but the engagement stuff with him. Initially we talk about it more now so I bring it up sometimes but I. It was very much and it's also possible that he definitely plans getting engaged to you but like maybe later in life You are held as he twenty three okay. So you're both really young and so it's not It's totally fine. If you WANNA getting engaged and married at this age but you will be doing it young And it's also not abnormal to want to wait. You're right and so he. You might just be feeling that also sometimes I mean young couples always talk about engagement. And there's I mean for every every twenty two year old couple that's been dating for a year talks about probably getting engaged. How many of those actually go through? It is probably a far less. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here but I'm just saying a lot of people early in young relationships invest a lot and and the things that they talked about in the past and the things that they talked about in the past play such a role and third decisions in in the present and in the future so I I would try to focus less on. Who will we talked about this? We talk about that. Like focus on the now in the now is that it sounds like maybe he's not ready so you you probably for your own sake and for the sake of the relationship. Stop forcing the issue. You know the stop asking 'em will do you want his space. It sounds like he's fine having you around if you're if you're not okay with playing house without actually living together then then you need to stop playing house then you should stop going over there for five days a week. Then go if you have your own place be more independent. That might change how his perspective. What you don't WanNa WanNa do is kind of trick amend to wanting to don't manipulate the situation because kind of like? Oh well you know the the sometimes moving in together can be the death of a relationship to yeah hoping to fast and being too premature about moving in whether it's because you want to save money on rent or etc etc.. I can definitely end a relationship. There's also a logical progression that he's kind of not seeing. It's like also oh just for curiosity reasons like you have to see how you guys live together before you commit to getting married to him. 'cause if you guys aren't out in the same space so I would just be super upfront. And like don't let him be wishy. Washy just say like you know I know you WANNA get married and it's my intention to do the same but we have to live together before to see if we're like compatible living in the same space or like what. I need to see what that's like before we commit to doing that. So what if he agrees but he's just not ready yet. That's fine at least you kind of get what you you know. I think you need some some sort of like timeframe of like when you're already over there all the time then it doesn't really matter like you're basically living together but not. Yeah but it's yeah it can be a little different. I mean I I mean this is not nestle but you just don't want to force it. I mean I mean I remember in my twenty S. I had a girlfriend. We were dating for a first dating for a year and then her hurley's was up and she wanted wanted to move in and I my lip beforehand When we moved in it was a different relationship but we broke up pretty quickly and I was just at that point I was? I don't want me personally. DidN'T WANNA rush to move in with anyone you know. I wasn't going to move in with someone because our leases were both up at the same time when we can save money I was I just I was I was I wanted open to live in them before we got engaged but I I wasn't in a rush to do that and to me. That wasn't a vocalized that but she really wanted to. She had never lived. The someone it was appointed contention. I won that battle. I mean it was you know I I. I won the battle kind of lost the war and the right fast forty so then she so you know. She was charmingly stubborn persistent so she was just like fine. You don't WanNa move in with me. You're still going to live with me. And like she basically stayed there five six days a week. I was doing doing her laundry. I mean she was basically there so that a year came by and then she's like well we're basically living together. It makes us us not to live together and it just became such such a focus on the relationship and it was that would that that became the priority in just to meet was like I wasn't ready and I I wanted her to respect the fact that I didn't WanNa rush that aspect of it because I I loved it very much. I very much sofyan with her. I could see potentially getting engaged to her And it really bothered me. How much she just didn't respect? The fact that I was I wanted it. Take it a little bit slower. I didn't WanNa play house and I felt like we were and I felt like she was so focused on that and not about like the dated the day the the day to day of our relationship. How communicating so? I the only just kind of stress that You know listen to what he's vocalizing just because he's like I'm not necessarily to move in doesn't mean he doesn't love you doesn't mean he doesn't WanNa the rest of your life with them. It's it can be a little messy about like well. We're supposed to do this. It's a logical next step and I'm not saying it's not and I totally logical that before you get engaged engage you do wanna live with them. That's reasonable but it maybe just not might not be now Yeah the the only other thing that I'm kind of wondering if the last ask girl that he lived with. They were in abusive relationship. So I don't know if that's like playing in to kind of his hesitation because maybe towards the end he had a really really hard time physically leaving and in part because they live together so I don't know like if that's kind of adding it could be I mean I wasn't in an abusive relationship that I refer to but I wasn't in a healthy relationship and I will say Eh that gave me pause and actually shipped to not WANNA rush too quickly. Made me more confident saying you know because that other relationship ship it was very much relationship based off of how I thought we how we thought we looked together. We talk. I got early in that relationship. We talked so much about our future. It was like all we did was talk about how we're GONNA do this and we're going to do that and Bob. That's that was our relationship. It was talking about that stuff and so my next relationship. I didn't WanNa do that. I wanted to be in the president the moment I didn't WanNa like glorify the future because of how our kids would look what our job would look like it. If not very immature and so I wanted to take it. Slower are so that very much could play a role. I think it's totally normal that you want to spend more time with them. It's totally normal. That you WANNA progress relationship but you what do you want to check in with them and if you feel loved by him. I don't think him not being ready to move in. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I mean I don't know I know the relationship but I am not getting a straight answer that the answer. Yeah get the answer but do you think your you're maybe he. What has he ever said? I just don't want to move it. What if the answer is unknown ready? He said he wasn't ready. I'd be fine with attack then I would know and then would leave it alone for a while but it's always like when I'm not there. He's like oh I wish you were here really bad. And that's like rare and so look I was there then I would be there all the time so then we would be living together so I don't really understand but then if I asked up front why aren't we moving in or can we. It's just that oh well maybe at some point like I don't know like I really like having you here but and then it just kind of trails off but if you just I said I'm not ready right now and I would leave it. I just don't really understand I. I think he can miss. You WanNA spend seven days a week with you and still not WanNa move in together because I do think there is a difference. I mean there is even if you even if you have spent every night together at his his place and you have your own place. There is a mental difference of knowing that you don't have to spend there as opposed to like this is now your place. There is a kind of a psychological difference. I just can't they don't have to be mutually exclusive. I do think to brass point set boundaries. Right like you do like you know. I don't think you've you're not wrong for wanting to do do this. But like you don't have to force the issue and then if you spend less time with him and he misses you just be like it's okay for us to miss each other right like I. I also think it's totally okay in a relationship is not like you guys have been together for three weeks to sit down when you're like having dinner or something and be like. Hey you know I just want to get get on the same page as you. This isn't like an opportunity for me to you know. Try to pressure you into anything. I just need to know for myself. Yeah Yeah if you are intending in the next you know if your intention is for us to move in together whether it's soon or or in the future because I feel like right now I'm kind of in this limbo phase where were hanging out a lot together at your house which is great but if if I just kind of need to know for myself I self if."