TWO, Twice, One Way discussed on Velvet's Edge
With everything in life. I gave him a book. And i gave it to him again because we told me lost it. That's that's probably throw it away and you're like oh you lost. Oh i moved. And i must have lost it in the move movement. Like oh he's like. Oh gee thanks. Yeah i loved. There was a podcast of yours. I was listening to in. You said something about when you started dating this guy and he had all these empty bookshelves like oh he just hasn't unpacked jet just mood. He has an impact yet. And you're like where's your books. And he says you up books. Why would anyone keep books. Didn't even like to read yen that that was a huge part of your life. What you want in your relationships and yet you still got in their relationship but it goes to show how we just. Don't listen to what they're actually saying like the buddhism book that's hilarious that maybe twice if only he didn't drink so much then things between us would be better. Maybe i can get him to quit. A this is drinking. A someone told me once that it was a barrier that some of us us to continue emotional unavailability like. It's it's a way to medicate to where you don't have to be completely vulnerable emotionally available. Is that yeah i mean. That's that's one way to say it for sure. I mean i used to think when we drank together my socially this one partner talking about That we got closer. That was when we could have intimacy. And then when i got sober i realized that was never. That's not intimacy. That wasn't being honest. About who i am. You know. arctic why they say that because authentic and honest would be to say. I'm really struggling in this relationship. I feel like you don't love me. I don't know if it's going to work. And i'm really scared. That was never said it was just. Let me tell you my trauma. let me. yeah let me share with you and then you'll over share with me and we're we're drinking it. It's really great inside. Feel so connected. Yeah that's interesting but then the next day we'd be right back to where we were you know because it wasn't real connection with the faucets connection but that would be soothing in the moment for hurson with attachment winding. Oh yes yawn. Alcohol definitely sued for me. Definitely You say he has a lot of traumas at once. He works out. Things will be quote unquote better. Yeah my reaction to reading this that like we does have a lot of trauma so it would be better. Obviously there's another bouquet for you but something else therapists not always worked on his. I am really drawn to what she describes as winded men or but they. They have huge hearts a very charismatic. It doesn't mean like they're bad people by any means it. Just me no. There's wounding there. And i like i just love that sex me writing And so it was kind of what i was saying to you earlier. I get in the relationship and go. Oh they have the same wounding me even sometimes or they have wounding two. And so we've kinda can bond over that or something like this magnum each other. And then i go okay. Well i'm doing all this work. And i want to go to these meetings i to go to this therapist and i want to read this book and i want to listen to this podcast so you probably due to right. And so i'm sitting on They don't want to actually do that. They don't care they're not interested in that they don't want to dive into their childhood and look at why they do the way you know things the way they do So i guess my question in that is that part of like fantasy or What are ways that we could actually look at the relationship or the person that you're meeting and not go into that place of like whatever you think the right thing to do would be onto them with drawn to that kind of dynamic. So that's where boundary work comes in. Okay i mean boundaries. I mean just boundaries boundaries boundaries. All the time. And so again. If you use that hula-hoop analogy and you really get good with. Okay what's mine you know. What can i control. I control myself..