Partner, Jim Rowing, Idaho discussed on With Whit
Your closest relationships is directly correlated to your happiness so happiness comes from the quality of the close relationships. So it's simple things so my partner cooking won't let me Cook so it makes me breakfast so after there's a specific moment after eight breakfasts. I put by the thing because he doesn't let me do the dishes either. Wow All right well let me curcumin laundry but yes so so. That's one sure. And then he goes out. He figured out weirdly that he loves to rowing in the morning. Like I wouldn't have figured that was bigger. That's what he lost. His exercise comes in so. I'm playing my flute. He's out in the garage. Jim Rowing he comes in. And I'm like awesome. I celebrate him. Sometimes I go get a hug. And she's not going to listen to this so I can say sometimes I'd like grabbed his muscles and go man and I'm genuine right but if I'm feeling that why not express loves it. He just being really and I'm like yeah look firm you are. Just now he's like lifting weights more what I didn't tell you my partner. Seventy five twenty years older than I am and so for him to lift weights and really firm up and take. It seriously is incredible. It's important to me want him to last long. Be Active. I kind of stopped in some ways. What you I think. I'll just talk. We've been together thirty years for a gay couple and how hard it's been with all the culture that kind of the big long time no matter who you are and what you do. Essentially is what's going to affirm this person and help them feel successful things that matter to them so I could prescribe stuff but you really WanNa do say for my significant other. What really matters to them. Yes what fails up their love bucket. There we go. I just started going to therapy and talking about me and how I can be sort of insecure. Sometimes and the therapist said to him. You just you need to fill up her love bucket more. You need to find out. What is her love language? Yeah we go okay. Yeah maps of that. So we'll find out what matters and then find ways to firm them in ways that matter to them. I mean that's what it boils down to. It could be tiny. Little statements can be little nuts. Okay so with my partner. It's like you know heat any. I'm on the plane. It's a simple text message with an Emoji as soon as I land just landed or like soundview random things throughout the day and it sounds simple. But those tiny things add up more than me buying something lavish rare Valentine's Day right right and then you know because I have a two and a half year old. Wow you sell I am thinking about you. Know my biggest. My biggest job in life right now is just creating a good happy human rights and so for two and a half year old. He's really starting to understand so much he understands so much more than I even realized understand. So what are some of the things that I can start to do with him to teach him some? I've been there. I know there are like tiny habits for MOMS and tiny habits or kids moms and so again. I'm not right. This is from experience from my coaches and all the people I've I've coached and so on is soon as you can teach your kids to do the celebration thing to say good for me. I did a good job because at some point. Thirteen Fourteen fifteen sixteen. They'RE NOT GONNA. They're not gonNA listen to you but if you can get them saying good for me to self basically self-reinforcing and if they can apply that to any behavior that they think is a good one they want to repeat more often than you're giving them a superpower to change a superpower decree habits and. There's a story in the book where one mom was like. I mean she's a working mom really really busy. And then she would celebrate wiping counter. Inert kid saw her and her kids started celebrating along with like go mom so they'd like did it together and that not only helped her wiring the habit and feel like a good mom but it started teaching her kid. This is how you you know. This is how you up your game. Basically your daily life because kids at this age they just WanNa do whatever you're doing. They're like little shadows she so if if you lead by example like we. He must have always been hearing. Say like Nice to meet you when we would meet someone and then recently we were meeting a neighbor and I said this is Sonny and Sonny stuck out his hand and said Nice to meet you and it's not like we taught him to say that it's like Oh my God. It was proudest moment of all time that emotion. You were feeling what? We're talking about celebration. It's that feeling of success okay. So that's you felt that naturally what you're kidding. Congratulations you can also find ways to hack it. That emotion has never been named okay. And so when it's when it's somebody else we call it. Pride refilling it about ourselves. It's not quite pride and so it's not confidence. Well I've done a bunch of research on this. I called the emotion experts around the world. Four of them my academic colleagues. And they're like they're right. There's no name so in tiny habits I give it a name so that feeling you have when you feel successful now is named shine shine shine. Okay your shine shine yacht so you're feeling shine for your kid and what you want to teach them how to feel shine. Oh you put your you put your your socks away good. You should feel shine you through your clothes in the hamper. Boom celebrate feel shine. Yeah that's amazing now more than ever. We just have to set ourselves up for success and others. We need to bring China into our lies shine with other people. We have to understand that we change best. Buy Feeling good not by feeling bad. There's no role for shame or guilt or self trash. Talk in this kind of change. Do it the opposite way. And nobody's perfect right but when you don't to perfectly like Oh adopt the floss in the wrong place or whatever. Think of it this way sort of like. Let's say we're redesigning this room and put pictures and chairs around and in the first attempt. We put that table in the wrong place. We don't beat ourselves up over it. We just make an adjustment right. Same thing with your habits right design your habits try amount and something doesn't work. You're just adjusted right. That's what it is. It's a process of exploration. You know there's a very specific step by step way of doing it. But one of the staff's is if it's not working tweak it tweak it until you find where it fits naturally and it's a habit that you love that can take root and grow We've talked a lot about like specific habits and Diet relationships kids. Motherhood what are just some of the the broader ones that you feel like are really helpful. Like if someone was coming to you would just like. Bj What are the top three habits. That I should definitely be doing in my life every single day. We've talked about some of them. But I'll give you three more productivity and in my view productivity is really a function of prioritizing. You want to be productive and things that matter because if you're in productive things that don't matter than so what so have a tiny habit of where you identify your top priority for that day. Okay and so one of the working moms in the book her. Name's Amy. That's her real name. All the stories are true but some of the names we had to change in case. We didn't what she did was. After she dropped off her daughter Rachel school she would immediately park and write down her top priority for business because their business wasn't really progressing and that was a game changer. Now she does multimillion dollar account. It's grown so have a habit of prioritizing I'm GONNA go back to the relationship one have a habit of you know. Think of somebody in your life that needs to be closer like your mom create the habit of texting. Your mom doesn't have to be a big long conversation. As reconnect there could be Emoji and a little bit of an interaction. Because I think that's so important and then from a financial perspective a big challenge have the tiny habit of after. I see something I really want. I'll say to myself I'm going to sleep on it now. I know that's not so like groundbreaking novel but you can think of it as a tiny habit. That is your policy. So if I'm in with didn't and I were in shopping for. We saw some great artwork in Maui and of course they're trying to sell it to you and I was like oh we really like it but I have a policy. I never buy it the same day right so it allowed me to push back And even announced to my partners like okay. We're GONNA sleep on it. We're always going to sleep on this and guess what the next morning. I didn't even remember. Okay one more question. Phones and Technology were always out of habit reaching. When we're we are a second alone. Have a second to wait for something. We just are constantly looking at our phones. How can we get ourselves out of that? Bad Habit this has been the focus of my Stanford lab the last year. Okay I don't doubt at. Ya so what I always try to do in my classes and my research at Stanford is pick a really hard problem. That hasn't been solved yet has to do with behavior so last year. It's that with continues this year. It's climate change climate action so I'm training professionals backed. I just did it. This morning professionals around the world how to change behavior so we can say this planet and really is small. Things can add up with social media. It's again different for different people and my research team. I'll just give a stanford resource than I'll get my answer at screen time. Dot Stanford Dot. Edu is a little shoot little character. We call screen time genie. And you answer three questions for her. And then she goes into the database and pulls out here the three ways that you know. I think it's a recommendation. Yeah Yeah so people can do that but certainly in your own. Life have the habit of or have the policy part of its policy. Part of its habits policy is like no phones at the dinner table. That's fresher or when you host a party. Hey everybody welcome ballsy in. My home is no phones. We're going to really connect with each other. Yes we'll take a group picture at the end but we're not going to be doing social. It'd be so pissed if I sat down. Okay maybe not because. Here's here's how I know. So I was in charge of my family reunion. Big Worm and family reunion than Idaho on two thousand nineteen and it cycles through the siblings so now it was my turn and I thought I know 'em you pick a theme every year and so the theme for this year that I came that I thought people would hate was airplane mode in other words. We've come from all over the country.