Cricket, AMD, Cirrhosis discussed on LadyGang
I this is like the least ostensibly dramatic thing that ever happened to me but to me it was like embarrassment is fear of embarrassment is such a big one for me and i you like brought animals to school like cricket like we had crickets in thing none of the when i look back at this stuff we did as kids is really disturbing But we had crickets swelled. Ever on crickets and i put checks. Mix in for my crickets to eat. I was already like an animal psycho at the time and it did need it because the crickets and we put them all up on like the shelves and mine started getting my moldy like and everyone. Who's this and i was like. I don't know. And i just lied about it because i was embarrassed that my crickets were getting moldy tex-mex forever. It's such a dumb silly thing. But then i was like. Oh gotta lie. They're gonna find me out. And i spent like three days like an i remember. I went back. I asked my dad to drive me back to break into the school to steal it so that i could like like. It's such a dumb thing but it. It was like i had to do. Amd are on. Because i realized like how much i needed the approval of eight year. Old kids like who gives you know so Traumas just for people listening. Don't think if you haven't seen someone get hit by a car or a building. It doesn't mean you're not traumatize you never everyone's just kind of different but yeah for me codependence. I grew up in an alcohol. Comb and for could've alcoholism to exist. Alcohol does not have to be present right where we say for alcoholism. Alcohol doesn't have to be president because if you grew up around alcoholism which we all dead literally in the twenties and the united states they had to make it illegal was wrong. Ours came out people were drinking and driving. It was a disaster. What we came from. I don't know what y'all's ancestry is looking into. My ancestor has also been like a game changer. For me i'm like oh every one of my grandfathers died of cirrhosis. Like addictive behavior like that's what was available back then that's also where they used for anesthesia. Give him yeah crazy. Dopamine receptors don't hold dopamine the same way so whether it's the guy you're texting whether it's your scrolling on instagram which that is the same thing as a gambling addiction. You're always trying to get that hit right every time you go to see a photo and it's like fifty thousand likes. Yes but then you gotta keep checking back like it's very hard to walk away so codependence there's a couple of ways to define it and maybe you have your favorite way but i like to say the couple of ways that it clicked in my brain. Sometimes you just need the right person to say the right thing at the right time for you to have some kind of self awareness and it was the inability to tolerate the discomfort of others or perceived discomfort. So that's where it gets really tricky so you know it's funny because i would go to these double winners meetings which is a an codependence and i would hear all of their stories. We're lucky i was like on the freeway drunk. And i was texting and i got an accident and you know my ex girlfriend. I thought she was cheating so i crawled over her fantasy like broke into her house. And like we do all that sober like independence. Do that stober okay. So there were addicted to the internal drug cabinet right the dopamine oxytocin the adrenaline which turns into dopamine which means toxic relationships become very attractive to us because it recreates that neurological cocktail. We had as a kid to stress. I'm always trying to get this person's approval. It becomes an addiction right. Like the person you know. That's an addiction because addiction is defined as well insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result in addiction which is when the behavior that gives you the most dopamine stops being fun and it becomes an obligation. You know when you're on those but the guy for three months just the it's just like you're gonna dopamine cocoon together and that's when it starts to become it stops being fun that's what we say. Well there's some people can go bar in their drinking and their funders other people that are just alone. You know my eating disorder was like really fun in the beginning. Because i was getting all this attention but then when i was like eating sheet cakes in the car. And that's when it's like. This isn't fun anymore i just. The addiction is dragging me around and forcing isolate so codependence manifest itself. And then i'll shut up and people pleasing The inability to tolerate the discomfort of others thinking that your value is has a linear relationship with your productivity Tremendous around like fear of authority figures. The inability to be friends with equals. You kind of always wanted to be friends with someone. That's kind of above you. Status and authority whites or beneath you because an equal is just harder to manipulate. This is like shake shack. I mean i can read you the laundry list. It's kind of a but yeah so Perfectionism i mean for me. I recently went on prozac. Because i spent fourteen years in a program trying to get a hold of this but i would leave conversation and be like that was stupid. Why'd you say that that was so dumb. This person hates you. And it's i'm a piece of shit in the center of the universe writing like you're still saying if you hate yourself you're still saying myself myself myself. That's all you're thinking about you know. And so also People pleasing manifesting in shape shifting. Right this person with you. Because i know you need me to be funny and entertain you and i have to be small with you and did my life because you're narcissist if i steal your thunder you're going to get mad at me you know. It's just we're just able to be able to go round party and just be this person. This person this for some that. I know i need to do this with this person. I'm just gonna be twelve different people. If i'm not in the kitchen trying to help the host clean up and she doesn't even want help she said. Can you please go enjoy the party. I'm the person's like. Can i help you can help you. Here's nine presents..