Partner, Dr Ellen Hendrickson, John Mo discussed on The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health


Hello, everyone. This is savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson and every week l. help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgment. So I wanna tell you about this week sponsor podcast called the hilarious world of depression. And in each episode, John mo- talks to some of the top names and entertainment about their personal experiences with mental health issues. In an honest and surprisingly funny way this season he talks to Andrew Zimmer and from the travel channel, Scott Thomson from kids in the hall open Mike eagle and many others. It's funny, it's moving and even wanna webby award for best comedy podcast. So subscribe to the hilarious world of depression wherever you get your podcasts. Now this week, we'll answer the question. Why do victims of relationship violence go back to their abusers? Now according to a CD survey, one in four women and one in nine men are victims of physical or sexual partner, violence or stalking. And in same sex relationships, the numbers are equivalent or even higher, but no matter who's caught in the complicated and misunderstood cycle of relationship violence outsiders wonder about both sides. I, why would anyone hurt someone they love and even more puzzling pie? Would anyone go back to a partner who hurts them friends and family shake their heads by their nails and throw up their hands. Get out now say, you don't deserve this and why don't you just leave if only it were as simple as just leave this week will look at the complicated reasons. People go back to their violent partners. And also dive into the nitty gritty of how abusers manipulate their victims even to the point of convincing them to recant criminal charges. But first, let's start with the big brush strokes. So it used to be thought that people went back to abusive relationships simply out of fear. They were too intimidated to leave. They were financially dependent or the partner threaten them into state, and these are all legit. Fear is a huge factor, but it's not the only force in play aside from fear. Let's look at four additional reasons partner stay. So reason, number one is unequal power, and this is number one for a reason and abusive relationship is fundamentally about power and control. It's about breaking down the victim, self worth an agency in order to control them. So power is taken and reinforced by making victims ask for money controlling. Were they. Go or who they talk to making all the decisions for the couple and more abusers want to ensure that leaving isn't an option by fostering the victims believe that this is all they deserve or that no one else would want them. Reason. Number two is manipulation. Now, abusers are often smart charming and magnetic all traits that feed into master manipulation. They know how to pull people in with the victim and those around them. And as we'll see later, this manipulation includes tactics like saying the abuse wasn't that bad, denying it ever happened saying the victim started it or discredit in the victim as crazy emotional or otherwise, not credible victim might start to wonder if they're wrong or making a big deal about nothing all of which makes it harder to walk away. Reasonable. Three is hope. This is another big one. We humans instinctively hope for brighter days ahead and victims perpetually, hope that things will get better. The reality of course is that victims can't stop the abuse only an abuser can decide to stop, but in a relationship or victims may pride themselves on having the magic touch, like being the only one who understands or the only one who can calm the abuser down there exists and allusion of control. And within this allusion giving up hope for a better future would mean that they failed in this culture were told never to quit to hang in there that anything can be accomplished if we set our mind to it, and that is a tough dream to reject leaving. The relationship means -nology that things will never change. It means giving up hope. And reason. Number four is love. Love is complicated. Relationships have good times and bad, and the good times can be a powerful glue. Love is the ultimate connection solidified by months or years of time, spent an energy invested, and it's absolutely possible to be in love without being safe and society that tells us, love is all you need or love conquers. All it can be hard to walk away from a life. You've built together, even one that's not safe or healthy all in all love and hope, especially when paired with power and manipulation are tough to push against. So even when victims find within themselves the courage to leave press charges or otherwise stand up for themselves, it's common to get pulled back in. Now we'll talk about exactly how that happens after we say, thanks to this week sponsor talks base with talks base. Improving your mental health is as easy as sending your therapist message. There's no travel time, no waiting room and no judgments. All you need is a computer or the talks based mobile app talks base has of our two thousand licensed therapists who are experienced in addressing life's challenges and working with you to find practical strategies to manage stress and live a happier life. So to match with your perfect therapist for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy go to talk space dot com. Slash savvy and use the code savvy to get forty five dollars off your first month. That's talks dot com. Slash savvy and the code

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