Tony One, Marie Calendar, Soundproof discussed on Whimsically Volatile
Put up all shit. Todd of thick asks walls and walls look like. Oh they were brick. Soundproof disagreed with with a carton layers. Everything bounced out They were really really thick and really emotionally blocking everything so nothing was really breaking through and so I didn't understand my loss of her until after it was all done. And then I'll just kinda came flooded flooding in and I Keppel's walls up even further and push myself away from all my friends all my family and pretty much hid in my one bedroom apartment that I've found in a hurry. Having to move out of our house in the we shall together And focused on work and work at the time. I was working at a flower shop and a restaurant serving. Marie calendar's yeah and so I was just working all day Working the morning shift going home taking a nap falling asleep to drop dead gorgeous on on on we should repeat repeat s and then getting up getting ready to the clubs trying to pick up on girls that was never successful and then coming home and then we be every day though already right never even one more in our most emotionally broken offers. You can look back and see these weird patterns or you're like I kept doing that that yeah so you were still struggling to come out at the time when you were going to the clubs where you have the time off No I was struggling to come out when she was dying. Okay and I'll tell you. Oh God she said one more and then that's right. Yasha walking by by the end I pretty much knew it was a lesbian and I had my family already figured it out to you and I really we're forced coming out moment at the hospital at the hospital and I know in as as an adult that has gone through many many phases. I recognize that the intentions were probably much better than how I interpreted them them But at the moment I was even like what's so my my mom had surgery. What the final surgery and they opened up in this culture backup because it was everywhere. The cancer everywhere. There's nothing else they could do. So you just called her back up. And then they told us you just put make her comfortable and And I my head down after receiving that information in my my Nina my godmother Came up to me and she expected needs as my head and be a mess and I was just normal. I was you know my walls are up. Sure Yeah Shock. All all the emotions that are recognized in the moment I thought it was a spoiled Brat and also what age again Tony One. That's I mean that's a lot age but especially twenty one. Yeah you know. Yeah but I still recognize. I look back. I can't argue with you. And so she took me outside the little garden Zen area that they had the hospital and she just asked me. If I had anyone I can talk to and I said Yeah. And then she added. It was a woman I said the eye and the she's an are you having lesbian tendencies. Turn look through her. I thought your I'm not sure it's always the first thing I pretended like I was buying from it for two seconds. I never even had like a real experience at the man so my I thought it was by because for some reason we all think that we're supposed to be refractory issued as you. And she just kind of we went on and then that word got out to all of the immediate people in our lives including My Mom's best friends and Who's also a landlord and I was also helping them on the side for extra money by helping them Organizing collective rent so kind of working office sometimes to and They encouraged me not to come out to her. Because many reasons and I didn't and I and I still am okay with that because she already knew that I was putting up all these walls and then I was alone because of all these walls and so she knew that I was going to be going through this experience of walking my life alone. Sure and She was very saddened by that and very concerned by that so I didn't. We all agree that I wouldn't tell her about it because it would be one more added stress. Sure that she need sure. Why your decision and it's my decision but I'm still completely you know. Some people regret not telling their parents sure. He's important things but I don't. I embrace that decision and know that recognized. Now she knows and she always has known and she loves me no matter what and Powered me so whatever form she has now or whatever like space energy she takes up or or light or whatever she's evolved into whatever our spirit has now she. I know she's my biggest fan in the loudest audience member or that energy that I feel after his show that polls show adrenaline rush. I always wreck. I feel like it's her somehow coming through going. Hey Yeah probably view. We mentioned in the Hallway Endless Hallway to the studio man. There's this endless hallway. I was like the shining. I should probably video a couple of times and I'm like no just through one more just one more after that. I promise no no and also did the floors so my shoes are like incredibly loud birdie were allowed but now she's just like clack clack clack. I took reporting all throw it in just for the listeners can know whether it sounds.