Tom Shillue, Fox News, Greg discussed on Michael Medved
H. From the Fox News studios for a show with a unique look at politics, pop, culture, religion and more. It's Tom shillue. Welcome welcome. It is Tom shillue. And this is the Tom shillue show. You know, we do everything on this show. We talk about the headlines, you talk about culture talk about life, family, everything. And so I'm kind of now I feel like I'm running through all of my Catholic friends. I go after these Catholic retreats, and I meet these guys I had a guy named Matt Hennessy on he wrote a book zero hour for genetics. And now I invited this guy to the show Dr Gregory taro we met at a Catholic retreat. Right. Yep. I just want to warn. I listen, we're not gonna talk all Catholics up. Here. You have a book it's called the mindful Catholic, but it is about mindfulness. And it's something I have not discussed on the show, but I'm into the idea. Okay. So I was like let's get this guy in. We'll talk about the whole situation. And we'll we'll see if we can learn I'm already several chapters in the book, I'm totally into it. I'm doing your exercises. So let's kind of take them through your stuff. Now, you're the real thing. You're a doc. Your psychologist, right? Yep. Practicing in Connecticut, New York, and you do you do online online therapy fantastic. You are the director of the Catholic psych institute, that's Catholic psych dot com. And so the book is the word mindfulness. I was hearing a lot about it. You know? I do I I'm a Catholic. I I'm a very like a normal, dude. But I do things like yoga and some some of my other Catholic prints like yoga what's up with that? So eastern man, it's so new eight, but I love new age stuff, and I love incorporating into my life. And that's what your book does. So absolutely. I mean, the word is pretty common. Most people probably heard of mindfulness at this point, and they have. But I bet you think most people have heard of it. Well, I think it's at least in my field is out there. It's been out there for a while. Yeah. So in terms of normal, psychological. Treatment mindfulness is really big. Yeah. It's coming more popular. Why what is mindfulness? Let's define it. I so basic basic definition mindfulness. It's paying attention to the present moment, non judgmental. It's just being aware of what's really happening right now. And that's opposed to being. Lost in our thoughts sort of swept away and ruminations where we're sort of dazed dozing off, whatever in our mind is kind of doing its own thing. Or we snap out of it. We, you know, we we shake ourselves out of it and we plug back into. Okay. What's happening right now. So people experiences all time. You forget somebody's name. You know that you should remember because I'm thinking of what when I meet somebody. Right. You put your hand out. You say, hey, I'm Greg. And I say, hey, I'm Tom, but I wasn't even listening to great because I was thinking, okay. I got to put my hand. And I'm gonna say my name, and I'm going to be cool, and you know, whatever. And then I might be making. It'd be like, oh who is this guy who's he friends with? I don't even listen to Greg. Minutes later. I'm like, I don't know. The guy's name. I was I was thinking my name. And that's all mindfulness is learning. How to every moment. No matter what threats are coming at you. And these are emotional threats. These are interpersonal threat so your status what somebody's gonna think of you what you might have messed up from before. All of those things are creating these threat situations in our minds, which trigger our brains to to go into fight or flight mode. And the thing about fight or flight mode is we don't need to have awareness of the present moment, we just need to have an awareness of safety and the quickest route to safety now people probably saying, wait a minute. I don't go into fight or flight when somebody wants to shake my hand, we do bio chemically is happening in the brain. It doesn't feel the same way. But you can actually measure the the chemicals that are being triggered, and and sort of, you know, transported around the brain. And it's the same kind of thing. That's happening. We have two basic modes where our brain can either trigger that or not. And it doesn't have to be a fire in your house or footsteps behind you as your walk. Walking home late at night, those things trigger the same response. But in our ruminations, we create realities for ourselves that are basically doing the same thing and that close down our awareness and our focus. So we have very narrow focus based only on finding safety and said of the openness to really taking in everything that's happening in this present moment. That's that's what mindfulness says it's a it's a series of training exercises, which helps us learn that we're actually safe and then be able to implement the way of thinking to correspond with that safety. Yeah. So I think it's very the word mindfulness. There's a lot of business books that are written about this right in the business world. I think a lot of people high tech companies they put their employees through mindfulness because they think it's gonna help productivity. Right. And so from the I want to go to the personal though because if you're a boss, obviously, you you have an interest in having your employees be very mindful. So they can be productive in great make you money and everything like that. But for people they wanna be they want to be happy. They're stressed out. Right. Are we stressed out? Because why are we? He stressed out. Well, we're stressed out because we create let's break it down to the most fundamental core. And this is why it's the mindful Catholic, and that's why this is I give a Catholic justification for mindfulness. Because at the end of the day, we have to know that we're safe and mindfulness. No matter who is teaching it is based on that premise now some guys out here macho guys like dad, be safe. I don't wanna do this. It's no good. I don't do that new age, you know, that that guy can walk down Fifth Avenue and get a piano dropped in his head. Just like the next guy. Nobody can stop every bad thing from happening. No matter how much we convince ourselves that we're in control. We all have a sneaky suspicion in the back of our minds that there's something bigger that could happen. And so we need to have reassurance at the deepest core level that everything is going to actually be okay. That's our justification for being in the present moment. Why shouldn't we be raining? All the time. Maybe there are fires to put out everywhere. Why aren't there? I bet. A lot of people are listening and thinking I'm in the moment, they say, you know, my wife, she's not in the moment. She's always thinking know, I think. Lot of guys think this because women do have a men and women are very different the way they approach things. But sometimes you'll go into a situation, you'll meet someone and say, hey, great to meet you, maybe we should get dinner sometime, and then you leave and then you talk about it with your wife. Right. And you say and she says while that was weird. There was there was some hostility there. They didn't really want to invite us in. How'd you get all that think too much? And so I think a lot of guys are thinking they are in the moment. But e- when I started reading your book, I thought, you know, what all of those things I think about other people I do them. I'm constantly out outside of my head looking at self judging. Yeah. Judgment is is part of that rumination. But and men women have very different reasons for being mindless. So whereas a woman typically, and these are studies that are done in these are just statements, but typically, you know, that that kind of distraction that thinking too much will occur when it relates to relationships. Whereas for me, I know that if I'm laying in bed at night, and I hear a sound for the next twenty minutes. I'm lost in thought about all this as an invader might come into my home and all the ways that I would do I would take to to defend my home. And I kind of you know, my. Karate kid. You know, the last Posey does we crane cage. Big chicken order you start remembering which movies you've seen the teach you how to protect your family and your home. And so that's where that's where a man's mind might typically go. So we've got all the contingency plans laid out, and we know where the knives are which draw the weapons might be found in. So we we have different reasons for doing it. But we're all doing the same thing because we're again, it's not founded on that principle that we're really safe at the end of the day as Catholics we believe that we have a father in heaven who created us who makes everything safe. And so even death is nothing to be worried about Buddhist practice, mindfulness and teach mindfulness for a different reason. That's why this is mentioned in the book, your appendix says mindfulness Buddhist or Catholic question, Mark. So you explain that I didn't get to that chapter yet. But I think there's a lot of people who associate this kind of like the word mindfulness. They say all that sad Buddhist stuff. I don't wanna do that. You know, what I mean, do you encounter that? Yeah. Definitely. And it's a great question. And it's an important distinction to make. So we we distinguish the mindfulness itself. And it's. Essence from the reason why we practice the mindfulness. So the mindfulness is paying attention to the president nonjudgmental why because we're safe. How do we know? We're safe. Well, that's different if you're Catholic or Buddha. Yeah, catholics. No. We have a father creative Buddhist don't believe in in safety ordained. It's all an illusion, and they are progressing to this enlightenment. Where it all disappears. That's not why Catholics practice it. But we're practicing the same thing which is to allow peace into our lives by being in the present moment in learning how we're not actually being in the present moment. So you said before while most of us think we are in the present moment. This happens all day long. Just yesterday. I come into the house, and my son is disobedient about something. And it triggers me to start thinking in my mind. You know, all all hell's breaking loose and I've lost control of the ship. And this is mutiny and stuff, and I don't realize it. But I'm building a story that this is my wife's fault, and she is not controlling the kids. And then I snap at her a little bit. You know, she says what do you want for lunch? And I said, well, what's what's on? What's planned, like a little tinge of something that shouldn't have been there? And now, I'm really letting my distraction from the present moment it take away from my relationships. Take away from my emotional stability, my marriage to -bility the family stability at the end of the day. I'm actually causing the disruption that I was actually triggered by in the first place. Yeah. So these are minutia that we are constantly immersed in every day when we become aware of it. We wake up to it. We gain new control and a new level of freedom and choice of how we're going to relate to our day. So now, I Michael back to the situation, and I recognize inside of me the discomfort because my son is disobedient. And now, I can think about it because I'm aware of what's happening internally, and I can say to myself this is not my wife's fault. Or if there's something that it needs to be talked about with my wife, it should be handled directly non passive aggressively. And in a snotty way the way that I brought it up. And so we're in more control, we make better choices we live healthier lives. I'm thinking, I never took an anger management class. I guess everybody could use one, but I've never been no one to meet one ever. So I never took one. But I'm assuming that the stuff that's in this book that I'm reading so far is used in an anger management, capacity. Like, you said a lot of this stuff in men and women are I love talking about the difference between men and women, by the way. So we don't have to shy away from that stuff..