Russ Harris, Ross discussed on The Virtual Couch


Here is the question that I get often, and it goes something like this, honestly, every week, multiple times a week or have people say this to me when I run into them, but it's an, here's a way it's typically faced. You know, I know I'm supposed to choose happiness every day and I do try and make a conscious effort in doing so, but and then here where there are all kinds of areas the next part, but maybe they say, why isn't working? Why isn't working? Or why do I feel worse? Or why is it so easy for other people to do? So which leads to things like, so what's wrong with me? Or I must be damaged or must be broken, and that is the. Part that just absolutely breaks my heart. And so I wanted to talk about that today. I really did. And so if you could see my desk right now in preparation for this, we're gonna go a lot of different places. So I really hope that this will make sense because this is one of these soapbox passion projects of mine is this whole concept of happiness. I've done multiple episodes on happiness, usually couched in this acceptance and commitment therapy model. I like to reference a couple of books. One is called the happiness trap. One is called the confidence gap both by an author psychologist named Russ Harris, and he's one of the big names and acceptance and commitment. There would be an absolutely love his work. But before again, before I even get to that point, if positive affirmations of telling yourself to choose happiness, if that works for you, then fantastic there. That is the whole one of the beautiful things about acceptance and commitment therapy is the concept of how is that working for you? Is it working for you? But I want to kind of give my thoughts on just from from kind of an evidence based research. Model from the anecdotal things that I see in my office and the things that I just studied. Because again, this is one of the passion projects of mine. So let me kind of jump in here. So we're talking about, you know, based off of this question of if we're supposed to choose happiness, then why is it not working try to choose happiness? Why is it not working? So I wanna go back to the book the confidence gap. A couple of weeks ago I was talking about the concept of acceptance and commitment there be and I was talking about it in in, here's here's where here's where I kind of am coming from. So if you can't stop your mind from telling you the can't do it story. Remember, this is the point where when we start to feel down, we start to listen to the stories that are brain tells us. Again, if I even step back a little bit further, if we say that we want to do something, whether it's lose weight, run a marathon right novel, go back to school, be better parent. Any of those things. We just stop at that moment. Now, remember we kind of call our brain and acceptance and commitment therapy. It is a reason making device, a reason making machine, and it's gonna start creating these reasons why we can't do it. And if we just sit back and listen, let's take the marathon example if we sit back, okay, I don't have time. I don't really know what the training would be like, I have bad knees. Can't afford the gear or the travel or the race fees or and so when we sit there and listen to all of those things, then we get hooked. We get hooked. We buy into one of those stories we get hooked and then we don't make it toward our goal. And then we continue to feel negative when that thing. When we think about that at a later time or we hear somebody else talk about a marathon. If we hear about anything like that, that's a triggering event, then we start to feel bad about ourselves and with acceptance and commitment there be even in that moment if we're starting to feel bad about ourselves, is that a productive thought. Is it a workable thought? Does it do anything good for us and the answer I mean, most likely is no. So let's go back into this. So in the in the book, the confidence gap in this part that I was just referring to. Ross says. So if you can't stop your mind from telling you that I can't do it story..

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