Ua Shu, Julie Kraft, Zod Shamin discussed on Dateable Podcast
The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hello data bowls, welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. We are here to answer all of your questions about modern dating 'cause we're also trying to answer those for ourselves. And that's why we do this podcast. So we can learn to be better daters. This week's episode is a little bit, I don't know, I like that we have this mix of experts and then we have real stories. We do have an expert on this time. This is all about positive intelligence, but his entire program is really centered around every aspect of life, and we have to remember that our dating life, our love life, is connected to every aspect of our entire life. Yeah, this episode of a UA could go into a war because you're actually in his program. So you came to me and you were like, I have the best guest. I have the best guess sure zod shamin, and I'll take you his course of a positive intelligence. And I'm like, what the fuck is positive intelligence? And then you started to go into it of just how we learned how we sabotage our love lives. And as soon as you said that, I was like, we need to get him out the podcast. And I'm so glad we did because like you said, we do this podcast. This podcast started because we were genuinely curious about modern day day. And we did not have it all figured out ourselves. And now that both of us are not actively dating anymore, but we are navigating relationships. And fun fact, it doesn't stop after you go to a relationship, you never stop dating, and you just have to do things pop up and I think what I've been learning personally over the last, you know, I would say I'm hitting a year. I'm going on my year anniversary next week for going away. And I'd say the first, you know, the first like 6 months you're in the honeymoon phase, everything's great. Everything's going well and not to say it's not going great now. It definitely is, but we're just going to a different level. You know, we're heading different things and what I've learned from my relationship, talking to you, talking to other people in relationships and some friends that have been married for years. There's always something. There's always something you need to navigate. And it makes sense because you're bringing gears and years of your own way of doing things and thinking about things and processing things to a relationship and I love in this, how we break it down and see how it's actually impacting our relationships with our loved ones and how we're getting in our own ways. I was kind of reminiscing about my previous relationships and even the current one the first few months because you and I always talk about like the early stages of a relationship. And I don't think we ever went through that honeymoon phase because I think what it was was my UA bullshit phase. That's what I call it. That's what the honeymoon phase was for me. I threw out so much bullshit at this guy and every other person I've dated because I never thought being in a relationship meant it should be easy. So I made a very hard in the beginning. I want to do like the games and the chase and kind of make it not so easy for my partner, but then the next 6 months was about him breaking down my bullshit and being like, let's work on these issues instead of this like me versus you mentality. So I look back on previous dating, the early stages of dating, and I just fucking cringe, Julie. I can't believe I was that person who would never say thank you at the end of the dinner if someone picked up the bill. Like I would just act like I was entitled for some reason because I wanted the guy to feel like he should feel lucky to be with me. Like, what the hell was wrong with me? So yes, for me, honeymoon phase never existed because there's just UA bullshit phase. Well, I think even if you're not at a relationship, this episode is equally as applicable because you could sabotage yourself, even if you don't have someone to sabotage a relationship with. And that's exactly what you were doing. You finally just met someone that was willing to just break through it with you. It's interesting because I think Biden was the opposite that we were just so enamored and in love and then we started to be like, okay, this is the real selves, not that we weren't showing real selves, but it's different. Start to dig in a little more and get more comfortable. And honestly, I think actually, even if when there's conflicts, I always think of our episode with Vienna. Farron and Connor beaton, which was last season about how conflict is actually the key to a successful healthy relationship and I do believe actually it's broken down barriers that we can get to know each ourselves better. Each other better and you build something that has a lot more depth than when it's just surface level at honeymoon ish. Yeah, like wishers odd is going to go into with this episode. We have two different sides of ourselves. We have the sage self which is the compassionate empathetic, peaceful side of us, and then we have the saboteur self which is just multiple layers of sabotages. I don't even know if that's right word, but saboteurs that can come and really ruin a good relationship. And in early dating, you're a sage side comes out because you want to be loving compassionate and empathetic, but the more you grow closer to each other, the more you can use your own saboteurs to bring out the saboteurs and other people. So you kind of like feed off of each other's negative energy. So it's like it's inevitable in relationships that we have both sides, and that we always say like someone can bring out the best in you and they can bring out the worst in you. That is so true in a relationship. Yeah, or what you're saying is sometimes maybe you're saboteurs come out before the sage. So I think everyone's different based on how you process relationships, your past experience, if you're protecting yourself and how you're doing it, it's a great topic. And it definitely gives me schemas vibes. You know, like identifying how you fit in, there's a quiz you can take, you a set me the quiz. Immediately, I was like, oh my God, this exploits everything. Similar to how I felt what I was realized I was a perfectionist on schemas in. What I love about this and schemas is that there's nothing wrong with you. There's none that are better than the other. It's bore just how can you get more knowledge about the way you process things, the beliefs you hold. So when it comes up, you're able to just be like, oh, yep, it's this. Not like there's something actually flawed with my relationship. I'm so glad you found it. Yeah, I'm so glad you said that, because we always say that with personal development and self help sort of like these quizzes and assessments you can take, it's not to tell you what is wrong with you, not to diagnose you. It's to give you hope that you can work towards someone a better version of yourself and we're constantly working on the better version of ourselves. So with this episode with the schemas with the personality test, it is just capturing you in this moment in time and then gives you a road map for where you can go towards. And that's always progress. Yeah, it even reminds me of last week's episode, which got such rave reviews about securing your anxious attachment style. We know that a lot of our listeners identify this way. Similar to me, because you might never lose that aspect of yourself. You might always have some anxiety, for instance, or you might always have some perfectionism or whatever it may be, but you can learn how to control it and you learn how to share it with someone, and you learn how to not let it get in your way, ultimately. So I've been wanting to ask you this way. So you took this course, wishers odd. And you were obviously felt very strongly about it. And one of the things I admire about you is your growth mindset in that you're always looking for ways to continue personal development..