Kristen Nef, Cristiano, Kenya discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Of thinking happening right and then of course that doesn't make it stop. Unfortunately we wish right if we could do that so we can. So but what we can do. In that moment we come back to one of our senses. That is a good inker for us. For example that could be the breath could be your feet on the floor right. It could be just like you. Orienting yourself in the room and said oh. I'm in this room right now. So the brain has limited attention span. Part of how meditation works. Is that we for once. Decide how we wanna fill that attention span. If we're not doing that the mind we'll do that for us. And it will fill it with all kinds of crap honest right so we asked again be horsing is like thank you not helpful right now right but who is saying what the mind is actually filled with and so as a meditative or like using his practices. We can say okay. I feel was was the awareness of my breath right now and then i cannot at the same time. Pay full attention to my thoughts in few my breath. I can do either at work or do you both like half but not really and that is also of course part of the practice. So there's a little bit like. I might like bite my arm a little bit when i'm getting shot. Fill my mind with one kind of pain. That i'm comfortable with it. I'm controlling on my own. So that the involuntary pain control by somebody else is less salient. Yeah you choose but the thing is so a lot of what's going on here. What is so scary that it feels like this assault befall control and i think one of the great benefits of meditation is. We are taking back control by choosing how we relate to it. Would you say that from a meditative perspective and this might be tough for some people to hear that pain is an opportunity -absolutely and it comes back to this like shoumei. The person who's never had paint. Show me the person who will never have pain so be the human body. Pain isn't essential function of our bodies to keep us safe. And then we have this thing happening that we call aging which we have to learn to come to terms with and we don't like to hear that and we don't like to practice with that but the more we can actually say like pain is part of life and not. Take it so personally coming back to this. Like what do i identify with right. Do identify with this person. That is in pain. And how unfair that is and all the mistakes that have been made right which is part of how the brain tries to make sense of it and that is also part of like we can release. Switch to saying like yeah. Pain is a part of life and since that will be part of my life experience. I can choose. Hi wanna work with said in how i relate to that and i really don't want to say that lightly because i know a lot of people really have excruciating physical pain so this is not like an easy easy fix with just to put a fine point on it when you say that meditation helps us relate to our pain differently how does it help us relate to pain we learn to not take it so personally so if this is just like oh this is what a body feels like that experiences. This particular pain to compare this is cristiano. Who has this pain. Because i had this accident because stupid driver didn't pay attention by so you can see how like the whole nervous system starts to get activated against through the story right said i gather this is pain and this is pain in this moment. This is what it feels like and the other part is which is really really important for people who suffer from pain or chronic pain is self compassion here. I just acknowledged that right now. This is hard. This is a hard moment right now and chew buy in. This is again the difference between self compassion and self pity that self. Pity is all about me and why it shouldn't be happening to me and self compassion is in opening up to like. Yep this is part of the human experience. And i can connect in my mind in my heart with all the other people who are experiencing exactly the same thing right now and in a weird way. That is really helpful. Can you get more technical or granular about how we can bring self compassion to our meditative game. When pain is their chronic or otherwise. Yeah again night. Kristen nef's three-part model of like self compassion. So the parts of like as a researcher that she has like broken down the experience of self compassion into mindfulness self kindness and shared humanity. So mindfulness same thing so what we just said is like kenya. Become aware that there's pain huge step which is really hard to get to that. Like i will off my walk around like for days before like something says. Wait a second. I'll that remark did have an effect on me for example because i'm trying to avoid pain this about like emotional pain right. Same with with physical So awareness this is here and then what we say is. Can we just acknowledge this in kim. We acknowledge that with the intention of kindness or we say like the tone of voice right so what we would say is an we often well like place ahead on the heart or on the part. That is painful inside like this really hurts. This is the moment of struggle in just in that way. That often what happens. Here's what we want is like. We wanted to be acknowledged that way and like a friend would do that in a way a friend would say you really. You have a hard time right now. Right and then something goes i e s. Thank you for seeing right in something softens and we forget that we can actually do that for ourselves. Yeah there's pain yes. this is true. Not avoiding just looking at it directly but with kindness and then so that's the self kindness and then really opening into this is what it feels like for somebody in my situation to feel that pain and then we can make internally in genetically however that works for you connect with the other people that have that same experience they know what it feels like mate and this is really the power of support groups. Where like somebody else looks at you and says i meet you. Get what you're going through right and it does something to our nervous systems also in this kind of self talk kinder self talk. I haven't been to. When i first encountered this notion. I struggled with it a lot. Just because seen corny to me a lot of people really like it so. I want to acknowledge that but for me. She's a little corny. But i've been able to. I get over myself and do it. Because they're scientific. Research strongly suggests at work. And i'm just. I'd like to suffer less. I'll take evidence based practices but part of being able getting over myself to do it. is not only just seeing the research but also adapting the language. You can make the language around so for me. It's more like row your language like this. You know what. I would say to a guy friend who broke a leg great. Yes and it's really in the translation right if the word stone land try different words or if language doesn't work try a gesture right. This is really why really love to work with Physical touch right because there's so much research showing somebody holds your hand when you're going through painful procedure that makes your pain level. Drop so if you a really in pain and you get a hug from a friend that makes you love drop and so we're making this jump in. I know this is like totally cornyn. I work at the. Va a lot right. So they're like some tough guy so we have to find some language instead of cycle so soothing.

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