Toddler tantrums? Troubled teens? Listen to parenting advice on everything from infancy through adolescence, aired on talk radio shows and leading podcasts.
Fresh Take: Dr. Edward Hallowell on Renaming and Reframing ADHD
"Book is all about sort of what's new in the field. Just the first thing. That's new in the book. Is we give the condition a new name. the name when i first learned about it in nineteen eighty one was called attention deficit disorder and then in the nineties. They threw in the eight so then it became attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. And you know those are all out of the medical model which is rooted in pathology. You know you go to the doctor not because you feel well but because you feel bad. So it only stands to reason that medically based conditions would have a pathology slanted name so and that's fine but when it comes to this condition it's totally inaccurate and it also conveys a kind of stigma kind of shame kind of feeling less than and those are very damaging so it's more than just cosmetic it's more than just a semantics really gets right to the heart and mean you get this diagnosis. You're told you or your child has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. And you feel like you've just been punched in the gut. You don't really know what it means but you know it's bad sounds bad so it must be. Yeah exactly and so the fact is the description is inaccurate. We have the condition myself. So i say we don't have a deficit of attention quite the opposite. We have an abundance of attention. Our problem is to control it and then the disorder. I don't see it as a disorder you know. I went to harvard college and medical school. I've written twenty one books. I've been married thirty one years. I've got three wonderful kids. That i don't have a disorder. I have a brain difference. And so i see it as a trait. If you manage it properly it becomes an asset. If you don't yes it can ruin your life so it has the potential to be a disorder but it also has the potential to be a superpower and so we've renamed it very abol attention stimulus trait vast via st and. I think it's a whole lot better to be told that your son or daughter or you have vast because it does imply the vast nature of this condition which is all encompassing and does not convey a sense of shame in pathology the way. Adhd does so and attention and stimulus of sort of the two key elements. you know. Our attention is always moving and so we have variable attention and then stimulus were always looking for high stimulation. we're always looking for something to pump. Up the volume. So variable attention. Stimulus trait vast. And we offer that as a way of for parents to convey to their kids they have avast mind. They have vast potential. They have vast opportunity all of which is true. And then the challenge to turn this. Trait asset is to learn to control attention stimulation so the first item in the book that we offer. That's new is the very word itself. Very term itself the acronym via st. I think it also brings us past what i think. Amy and i probably grew up with learning this term. Add and it's become this kind of major catchall for every range of behavior and then a lot of the discussions around are kind of like. Oh that's an. Add moment or everyone's medicating what used to be called childhood and those kind of discussions. That i think are not useful for anybody because they demonize kids who have maybe need help functioning and then they kind of lump everybody together in like this used to be childhood now. Everyone's just medicating zombies not true right. Not true at all and also as you say when it's used casually it's never complimentary exactly when you say he's so. Add he so creative original interesting and dynamic. You mean he's a pain in the butt you know and so you know we want to take it out of that stigmatized round where it does not deserve to be in. The fact of the matter is most of the people who are the game changers in this world have vast or adhd.
Say Yes To Your Kids
"Message is pretty simple. Say yes now. This is not say yes to address the wedding show. This is say yes to your kids. This is yes to the moment that they want to play trains downstairs. This is yes to when your daughter comes up to you in plays wants to play barbies. This is say yes going outside. If you're in the winter playing in the snow this is saying yes to something in your life that you've been saying no to in our conversation. We talked about it a lot. That the ability of dad's just to get lost in the day to day stuff that we do and not be with the day to day stuff that we do is so so profound in core. That message is that we need to learn to say yes more because let me tell you. There are so many moments in your day. Because i have. I'm right there with you. This advice is a reminder for myself as well there are so many moments where my littlest one comes in and she wants ten minutes of my time and do. I just want to do something. I just wanna get an email out the door. And i hear you because during virtual learning if your kids are still at home when you're trying to get work done if you've got a fulltime job i get it. It is not easy. Let me tell you as my kids went back an hour into it on my on tuesday. When the first day it went back. I was already missing him for the idea. That even had that thought. I'm like are you drunk. It was absolutely chaos for the last two months of virtual learning but then my phone damn apple created this memory video of all the different things that they had done during my time with them this past two months and it was absolutely amazing. I remembered all times going sledding. All the time having fun outside all the things we built in the snow. And i was reminded that i did say yes quite a bit at times. Even in the midst of chaos even in the midst of just trying to get some work done and getting ill debt that. I can't do math mountains for my first grader. All of that it was hard. It was difficult and it wasn't easy but learning to say yes is a simple thing and it sounds. It's two words. Say yes but it can be such a shift in your mentality. That i need to leave what i'm doing to go do something else. I want to back this up with a story going all the way back to this past summer and twenty twenty that. There's many moments where i just wanted do work and my wife was home during the summer and i have easily just closed the door. Lock myself in and pretended like our head and eight to five job. But i didn't. There was many times where. I would recruit half the neighborhood to go on a bike ride. And we'll probably have like kids out with me sometimes and people give me a weird looks and i'm like don't worry they're not all mine but let me tell you what happens when i said yes in those moments when i said yes to those moments i had some of my best ideas for this podcast when i'm out engaging with my kids. I've had the best ideas for something next. I'd had the best ideas for new podcasts ideas on the other side of saying us so i want to tell you that on the other side of saying yes is potentially something that can change your life now. That sounds crazy because your mind probably saying casters. Just wild emotions. There's probably a fighting. Why would i want to say yes to that. Because when you enter that chaos and you learn to be calm within the chaos you create this idea that love is surrounding yourself because you're like man breaking super chaos right now but man. My kids love me. I love them. What a great moment in those moments where you can receive the love. The chaos all at once and find humor in sometimes. I remember going for those bike rides and just being like fuck. I'm one lottery amount riding bikes with my kids. It's summer it's just feels like a million bucks. And i mean now looking back and it's winter i'm like damn those days were the good ones but say yes because on the other side of that yes could be. The one thing that is ongoing to unlock repeatedly over time not made it'd be the first time maybe the second time but if you repeat this i am positive that you re engage with your kids on a moment by moment basis ten minutes at a time you can really make a dent in their behavior. You can really make a dent in their loved inc. All of that can be changed on the other side of. Yes so guys say yes when your kids come up to you. I you to do it for one week to give them. Don't tell me during do it. Because they'll probably abuse it but say yes. Every time they come in adult talent. Like i said. Don't tell them you're gonna say yes every time you can try to pause or try to come up with an excuse. Why not but every time. It's possible try to challenge yourself every time the next seven days after hearing this podcast whenever you hear sally yes to your kids when they want you to do something and notice how you feel differently after engaging ten minutes notice after seven days how much more gratitude you have for being a father noticed so much more gratitude you have for life notice. How much more gratitude you have for your wife because you and her both created this abundant ball of anger and love and joy all at the same time all of that can happen on the other side of saying yes
Parenting in a Changing World!
"Topic is a changing world and how to parent felt like with things going more virtual. It makes it a little bit harder to manage your sanity for one and to manage aligning because you never really realized that you needed that or your kids really needed that Until you're stuck at home and it's crazy to think that school has been out for almost an entire year. Which would mark an entire year for my kids school They have not gone back to in person learning whatsoever It's just hard. It's hard and i'm grateful that i'm able to work from home so that i can be home with. Cades did try the virtual learning higher percent on my own once. I was a full time at home worker. And you know everything was going good. And then my daughter Starting not paying attention and messing with her brothers. And then i'd get texts from her brother's teachers saying that she was messing with them during class. And then My oldest son would add constantly. Get messages for him. We were literally in the principles on the phone with the principal like every other week because he has off task and he wasn't turning Assignment and i get it. it's hard. it's a huge adjustment It's just hard. Because i'm a single parent in. I'm supposed to work time in order to provide for mayfield And the teachers want me essentially sit there with three different kids at three different times and it's just unrealistic and i know i'm not bashing teachers whatsoever because i think teachers are doing an amazing job with what they are given and i think they should keep up the good work and you know this is not how they invision teaching but i think they're doing great for what they can't be doing But back to the topic. So i had my eldest Started looking up inappropriate. Things lake Sex positions which you would think being a school it would be blocked any sex related topics But in fact it wasn't and my son's spent about ten minutes on a sex position website and yeah tell me why i had to have a sex talk with my son at eight years old and aren't care who you are way too young to be having that sex talk with your kids Full blown sex talk anyways. I think like saying the proper body parts and things like that Definitely help ease into it. But you really don't expect to have the full blown talk at especially at a young age After that incident. I just had a home school and decided that youtube was banned from my house But so after homeschooling. I realized like if i'm this stressed-out with how different the world is an. I barely know how to cope with it or barely know how to navigate through it I can't imagine how many kids are feeling. I can't imagine how they view the corona virus or this this current situation that they're in because i feel like is becoming crazier and crazier in a no and this can turn political really quickly And and that's not main tension because now garlands of your political party the world is getting out of hands. It's getting out of hand with this virus and being stuck at home and mike school. Public schools are so important just solely for the fact of being able to socialize for your kids to be able to learn social skills for kids to be able to make friends outside of their siblings outside of their family outside of their cousins. They need to have their own life so that they're able to be their own human beings anything when we're all stuck in one place you definitely start picking up characteristics of stronger personalities. Your family which most the time is me And then second would probably be my daughter. But i don't have the best habits and for my kids to be around me. Twenty four seven seven days a week. It's tough because they pick up all the good habits that have and also all the terrible ones and it's more so now that we're corentin together or have virtual school or working from home and things like that because kids really do pick up every little thing we do that. We say how we act how we do something. It's it's it's really crazy. You really start to see yourself especially being only parent You really start to see yourself with in your child with a mixture of their personality and sometimes that is not a good combo But without being said. I decided that i was going to sign up for Like a sport or something along those lines. You know to to help them be social and help them. Korean learn who they are. Because it's really hard to really be yourself because if you think about it we all have personalities or personas that we put on for different aspects of life like we all have a career persona that we put on and we all have a mom or pear persona. We have a daughter saw her. We just have different designers that we take on. And you know it's really hard to sometimes be yourself. Because i can't be one hundred percent myself when i'm around my kids because sometimes i'm not appropriate in you know and it's hard to play mom twenty four seven.
How to Choose a Safe Seat for Your Baby to Eat with High Chair Designer Kirsti Vandraas
"Today. We're talking about the seat in which your baby learns how to eat. That's right highchairs. And when it comes to hide your design there is no one more well known for icon design in this space than peter obstacle of norway. Peter offset designed the trip trap highchair in one thousand nine hundred seventy two. When he looked around for a chair that allowed his son to sit in a natural way at the grownups table and because nonesuch chair existed he designed what is now known as the iconic trip chair basically so he could include his son in as he says life round the table. So many of you may have this chair that trip trap or recognize it. It's sometimes like to a ladder so the trip trap is a wooden chair with an adjustable seat and adjustable footplate and grows with your child so the company that peter designed it for which is called. Shutt- is headquartered in norway. And they've actually sold more than twelve million trip trap as so it is one of the. Most globally recognized chairs. Personally i love this chair. I have in us seven of the trip traps around the table for my seven children. They've really been fabulous investment wonderful. Especially if you have a smaller space where you're feeding your baby or babies or if you're feeding multiples it's wonderful because it has a much smaller footprints like not one of those highchairs. It's gonna take up your kitchen. So while peter fix trip trap was designed and launched in one thousand nine hundred ninety two when his son was little forty years later in twenty thirteen obstacle launched. Another chair called the nomi and this was really his realization of his vision for designing the next generation highchair one. That's dedicated to his grandchildren. So peter obstacles now eighty one at the time of this recording. He continues to work every day. And cures deep vandross is a physiotherapist and an ergonomic who works very closely with peter. In fact she's worked with peter object for the last thirteen years. So kirsty is going to be on the podcast today. Sharing peter's vision and philosophy about the chairs that he originally designed for his child and his grandchildren. Now that millions of families of used around the world. So if you have a trip trap or a nomi- or if you're in the market for a highchair that will continue to serve your family and your child long after these initial stages of starting solids. I think you're really going to enjoy this interview. Because the scandinavian design principles and the philosophies held by peter and explained today by st are so very different from what we may have in mind when we go to select a seat for our baby to learn how to eat so today on the podcast. Kirstin i are going to be talking about the difference in american and european safety standards. Why norwegian families do not actually strap their babies of their toddlers into the degree or the extent that americans may think is necessary. This is going to be very eye opening for a lot of you certainly was for me as kind of a control freak. Mom we'll be chatting about why the trip trap and the nomi were designed with the very obvious absence of trey and what that means. and then. How the adjustable foot rest is probably the most important safety and design component missing from most highchairs today. So i hope you enjoy this interview with cure. Steve andros from the peter obsta company. Kirsty thank you so much for joining us. I am so excited to have the opportunity to interview you. It's catching get now. If you can. Would you tell us a little bit about your background. And how you know the whole life story maybe. How did you get into product design. And then how did you come to. Work with. Peter ops vic. Oh it's a long story. I am a physiotherapist anais. I started working in our major hospital here in in ostler with people with back and neck problems you know. People came into the hospital more or less paralyzed with pain and never thought they would be able to come up and walk again and with a treatment lots of guidance we build them up again and they went home and they were fine and had a lotta for knowledge with how to behave to avoid back and neck problems then. I saw that it was difficult for them. To use to knowledge they had when they went back to back. So i sold our institution equivalent to osha would been interesting place to work to see if i was able to get other people to create positive working environments where you could work but still keep your health so i spent ten years in our show in charge of ergonomics and then i started sinking. What about getting into detail. The totality because their via opium much more than chair tables but share and tables reports on the totality and. I wanted to see if we could make chairs in such way that you didn't talk to have problems with your body after sitting. Who working so. I started working ritual. Company that developed sitting solution for the working person unlock was contested. Interesting period thomas there for six teen years and then i met peter ops week. One of a number of designers. We used not process another lost twelve years. We're solely read. Peter and peter's sir designs promoting them talking about taking part in the product development. So that was a long story. But you know the background and How i ended up here. And you're still actively working with peter. Is that correct. Yes yes wonderful. Can you tell us a little bit about the history of the design of the trip trap and then the nomi highchairs and especially with regard to promoting freedom and fellowship. The trick drop chair was developed in the beginning of the seventies piotre just had his son wounding sixty nine will sitting on an ordinary highchair s. You know the high chair has been around for for generations. you know egypt. They use highchair. the hunt. Chance in their mini is an pizza hut his son sitting in hijab but then when he reached a year and a half you know he didn't really need to sit with the sort of support all around his waist. He was looking for other chairs that he could place his son around the table together with the rest of the company that did not exist so he had to make his own amber trip chapels but one then in nineteen seventy two and i think he did something very clever back then because he did not make it to fit into what you call the design of the seventies he had the distinct bischel feature in the seventies and the result is that the chair still look quite Modern had he designed it giving it the visual design of what the kitchen look like. Back in nineteen seventy two. It would have been outdated very old looking chair today.
Parenting Without Help!
"Today's topic is parenting. Without help i am a very independent person. I take i take. I'm just very independent. I'm very. I don't rely on people i don't ask for help. Don't do any of that type of stuff Which it's me really is not helpful and it gets me nowhere because not only is it taking away from my ability to properly parent or maybe properly is not the right word but two parent where it doesn't affect my world or my mood or my children. I guess what i'm trying to say is it's okay to ask for help Especially if you're single parent It's necessary to ask for help. And it has nothing to do with pride. It has nothing to do with you. Not being capable to be a good parent it's mostly for your sanity and part of your self care because when you're a single parents or parent who is a stay at home parent. You always put yourself last. So that means that you never have time for any of things that you like to do or things that excite you So it's important to ask for help so that you can have that time until you can learn to become who you were will maybe not become who you were before kids but learn who you are as a human being learn that you're more than just the title of being a mother. Learn the best way to put. It is kind of like Those german stackable dolls. You know so like the bigger portion is a mom. And then you open it up. And what's your other identity. Maybe sister or a wife or daughter. I dunno and you keep going down until you get to the little tiny doll and that little tiny doll is your true self and not is who you are as a human being. It's your soul centrally. It's and we tend to hide that tend to keep that person locked up in the in the basement and throw away the key. Because were this or that. It's not allowed. And no that's all bullshit where allowed to still be our own human beings outside of being a mom we're allowed to relearn things that we love and the and one hundred percent. They're not going to be the same things that you loved before having kids. Because you have a new view of the world you have a new perspective on life. And i think it's really important that we all find who we are again Because it actually benefits your parenting. Because you're less stressed somehow a because you're not lost. You feel like you have a purpose so not saying how and neglect your kids or drop them off at the person who can babysit them every weekend. I'm not saying any of that but if someone offers for even an hour an hour for you to go run errands then pick it. It's okay.
How to Help Your Child Engage More Successfully with Peers
"Enough encouragement to really help him with his process around having a sibling so as you said he changed and that is pretty par for the course because it is usually the first maybe the biggest trauma that young children have where their life has totally changed. It's very scary for them. In terms of wars my place in the family now so it's not as simple as him just saying look at me. I want attention. It's really being quite regulated a lot of the time and when you see that hyperactivity that kind of manic behavior he's in dysregulation state in those times so when you've gotten impatient with him around that you're human so please the compassionate towards yourself. This is a hard transition for parents as well but it is very very difficult for children. So what happens is then he absorbs. Those feelings from you so does is it. Just it gives him more feelings that he has to process out. That will come out through this manic behavior through not listening doing things that he knows aren't going to help them in that moment like the way he's behaving with peers. It's really a situation where he can't help himself. He's just going to this irrational place and you know what you describe with his peers. It's irrational in his thinking brain. He knows better and he doesn't wanna be that kid doing those things you know that gets rejected. But he's going there because these feelings keep coming up for him so the best thing that we can do generally and this is true for almost every issue that parents bring to be an. It's why as such a theme boadcast and in my writings he needs to process the feelings. That are behind this behavior. That is the ultimate goal. That will help him feel better and therefore behave more pro socially with his peers and with you and but the sibling and everyone his sister is one and a half. You said this also tends to be a difficult time in that. The younger child seems more of a person to the older child. Therefore more of a threat more of a rival before that they can kind of say. Oh well this is a baby or this crawling thing and she's cute and my life is still changing. This really really scary. But now this is a real other person you know. Of course we see that. Ideally right away that this is the person but your child will start to feel it more when the younger one is walking. Maybe starting to talk more. So that's you know another big scary thing that he needs to process out. Whenever children have behavior that's disruptive or challenging like this or difficult for us as parents it is emotionally driven almost always so we want to help him to process these feelings and then we have to know that when we do lose our temper which is going to happen we try to make that as rare as possible by perceiving this correctly which is that. He's not just being naughty kid right here. He really is out of control even in these little moments with his sister where he's not being nice to her maybe lashing out at her lashing out at you. If we know that then it helps us to feel less threatened about it loops he goes. I gotta help this guy. He's got some feelings going on pop it out today if we have that attitude going to help us to feel better about it but if we're thinking like oh. My kid is just so unpredictable and behaving like awful and doesn't know how to make friends and were heartbroken than that's going to make it harder for us so it starts those feel uncomfortable which we get from the perspective of. What's really going on here. Every time that we allow him to process some of the feeling safely. We're not getting mad at him for it. Were keeping him safe where you know. Maybe taking him out of situations but i would do that. Rarely we're going to get to that. Then it helps move forward. It helps the feelings to get processed out. Anyway that is. What is the
Laughter Is The Best Medicine
"So entity parenti. Moment i want to focus on was called laughter and i'm going to read it. Comedian steve. martin reportedly reportedly lasts for five minutes in front of his mirror every morning. Explaining his goal is to jump start. His creativity begin the day on a high note. So just picture that. I care but you but i just wonder how often what does that urban legend and if that's really was from his memoir a believe it but there's gotta be it's that's a lot to ask five minutes of well. Do you think he d he could do it. I mean people meditate for ten minutes a day. I'm sure he can laugh for five minutes. And i think it's all relative right like even people who say they meditate everyday miss days. I think his point is sometimes gotta get yourself worked up to the place where you like. I've been bright. You know you know. I write every morning and lately. I've just been saying Good morning how are you talking to myself. Will i keep doing that. I don't know. But what i'm trying to do is engage myself. Tim totally engaged my thinking so he may do something else to make himself last. You go on to say children. We left hundreds of times a day but as adults we take life so seriously that laughter becomes infrequent it is in our best interest to seek out opportunities for good humor us better inside and out. Laughter is one of the best things we can do to strengthen our immune system decrease pain and keep our mind out of worry mode. Nothing works faster or more dependable to bring us back into balance then laughing enclosing. It's more than just a break from sadness and pain. It's actually a path back to hope. A humorous perspective creates a psychological distance. That can make situations feel less. Threatening and more manageable. Laughter is medicine offsetting the physical and psychological impact of stress and increasing our ability to feel joy. Yes there's the moment. Yeah so. I think the reason you played the Indigo girls was because i used that quote from that song. Exactly right yeah well. It's only life after off. And just because i've played this clip a million times. I'm gonna play two million in one. This is the this is audio of the infant baby laughing at his dog or her dog eating popcorn. I think that would be more productive than in the mere. Like if i feel like that should be in my to do list. Every morning is look at this baby laughing. Yeah yeah that's a way to start the day right. They're not cnn or fox or msnbc. That's the way to start the yes. Yeah i agree. I mean and i think that it It comes from that baby that comes from the gut. That's a good laugh. It's very like solely focused on what's funny in you like. As adults we start to like lose our good laugh laugh becomes more like. Yeah but i got focused here like we are. We don't really like focus in on the thing. That's funny and i think memories are often created around really deep hard laughs like we have stories where we were laughing so hard that we like either felt sick or like we're doubled over and that creates a memory. You know what i mean. I do
Help! My Kid Is Sneaking Food and Screens Up To Her Room
"Two days question comes from our facebook group. Have you ever addressed sneaky nece before. I'm having some trouble with rule breaking lately where things that are not off limits but are limited like candy or screens are appearing in bedrooms. After the adults go to sleep. It's driving me batty. And i'd appreciate any advice so first of all let me just say. I'm a little bit of the same problem at my house. And here's what i think about it. I tend to be slightly overreactive to this in terms of how could you do this. You notice against the rules to have food or screens in your room. We don't allow food or screens in bedrooms. And so it's pretty much obvious that a wrong sneaky has been committed as soon as i see those things that bedroom because they're not supposed to be there and i have one sneaker who has taken to signing candy. Sometimes it's apples taking three or four bites of an apple and then hiding it somewhere in the room which is really one thing we can say for. Our kids is that generally there really bad at being sneaky so you know you do smell of rotting apple in the room after a couple of days. And i've found them tucked. You know inside jewelry cases in the closet because the mind of a small child says this is not what i'm supposed to be doing and i will hide my crime and then they don't really think the next step what happens when the apple starts to rot. And so what. I do in cases like this is i. Call the child's not always the same one up. Hold up the rapper. The apple the screen. Whatever it is and say what is this doing here and right away. They know that they've done wrong right. I mean they know they're caught. And then i really state the rule. It is not permitted to have food in your room and then we try to head behavior and consequences can we rectify the behavior because otherwise there are going to be consequences so one thing i think especially about food is we tend to think of this story as like my child is deliberately defying me just because even though they know that this is wrong and i hadn't experienced this week where i was laying in bed. I have been trying since the holidays to really you know. Can my eating back on track. Stop with all the sugar stop with. All the junk food. And i was laying in bed watching tv and i opened my bedside table drawer to get something out and i found a leftover stocking full of skills like a little toy sized starting summer full of skills. And what did i do. I ate all of the skittles why not to define myself. Who had set the rule of like. We're not gonna do this any more after the holidays but because skills are delicious and they're really fun to eat in bed and that's really what. Your kids are doing. Two screens are fun to watch in bed. I've really tried to cut down my habit of reading twitter in bed. It's not going great because it's an enjoyable thing to do so. I think it's fine to remember that this isn't really about you. It's about a kid who wants to eat an apple while they're lying in the room reading a book and that's not a terrible instinct but we've just gotta help reinforce the rule because it's also not okay so i'm not saying like well. Everyone wants to do it so let them do it. No it's not allowed and so have a conversation about the behavior when it happens. I found the sampling room. Yes do you know that. Apple's are not allowed upstairs. Yes okay go take it downstairs go clean out. Whatever it is that the gross at has been touching. That is your responsibility. And here's what i want you to do. If you want an apple going forward talk to me about it. I will find you a comfy couch. A seat outside. I will find you somewhere comfortable to eat that apple. But apple's are not allowed in your room and so we are going to try to address the behavior. You want to eat whatever. It is any kind of snacks. even if it's candy bar. Hey if you wanna have candy bar. Let's figure out where we can fit that in your nutritional schedule for the day so you don't have to sneak off with it and it's finally kitty. Bars does not to eat six. Ers upstairs in your room and let's figure out how we can work those into your day so you've had it and then here's the consequence for it upstairs into your room and that is let's say you don't get screened tomorrow. Whatever it might be and for one of my kids who it was still happening with we moved to you know bigger consequences and it did stop and buy bigger consequence. I just mean all day no screens and then it will get better and it will probably get a little worse. We have certain kids. I think who are a little bit more prone. I was this kid to sneaky nece and and well the rule says this. Let me try that instead. And that's not the end of the world and so it will probably be you know the same kid is going to sneak more and more and more but i think you just stay really consistent with your calm reaction so it doesn't get the reaction of like because in your kid is going to go. Oh hey this is kind of fun to get mom to go crazy. And be like whoa. It's just a candy bar. I don't know why it's the end of the world and so calm reaction address the behavior. Hey if you're hungry let's do this. Hey if you're on screens upstairs in your room. Let's make sure. I'll give you an extra half an hour screen time but then the screens absolutely stayed downstairs so like the behavior fix the behavior and then moved to consequences.
What To Tell Kids When The News Is Scary
"Auntie whether it's a tornado or a terrorist attack whether the kids heard about it on the internet or on the playground six takeaways to help you and the little people in your life make sense of a world that can feel really overwhelming takeaway number one. We can control the amount of information we can control the amount of exposure rosemary. Says for starters trying to let your kids watch or listen or browse the news without you and try not to stream it or leave it plan on the background all day long because my parents had twenty four hour news just kind of on around the house throughout the day. I absorbed more news as a child. I probably should have. Molly lewis is one of the many folks who share their story with us. She was six years old when the one thousand nine hundred six murder investigation of jonbenet ramsey was getting wall to wall coverage. Joe ramsey and i were pretty much exactly the same age and i knew that murder was a thing but i had assumed up to that point that murder was just a thing between adults and suddenly i was learning that children could also be murdered. And what's worse. That could be murdered in their homes. Potentially by someone that very much trusted my gosh. That is such a heavy thing for a six year old absolutely and i mean but it's going to happen if kids much time with content. That's not meant for them. And i remember corey a couple of years ago. Common sense media reported that forty percent of parents of young children say the television is on always or most of the time in their home whether anyone's watching are not forty-two percent. Yeah yeah appearance of kids under eight right. Yes without realizing right. So it's pretty common. So i asked his about this. So concretely. should we have news on in the background when our young winner kids. Young kids are around. That's probably a good rule of thumb. Because you can't control you can't control these breaking stories which are always breaking so that's priority number one. But what if you did your best and your child's still sees or over here's something on playground or online. Yeah i mean you. And i both know when you can get a little older. You cannot control everything in here and so something's gonna come up. It's going to upset them. They're going to have questions and you're going to need to talk about it with exactly and that leads us to take away number two when you do have that conversation with your child about something. They've seen or heard that scared them. You need to begin by asking them what they know tear conley. The media researcher says to choose a quiet moment when the phones are down the. Tv's off maybe on the way to school allowing them to have that space where they're asking questions about what they're seeing how they're feeling and what do they think who they think. The story is talking about basically giving kids espace to reflect and she said this also gives them permission to bring up something that may really been bothering them. Also asking what kids already know. It's really important first step because anybody who has kids knows that kids often will develop these wild misconceptions when they don't know the full story and they have very little background knowledge and very little understanding of the wider world to help them here right like alison docker really warfare. Involved like hairy apes or the story from emily pro cop from connecticut. When the monica lewinsky scandal happened. I sincerely thought the whole thing was in the news because she got a stain on her dress. I was terrified that any stain. I may get on my clothes would end up being the laughing stock of my middle school. Die still get an uneasy feeling when i'm at a party and spill anything on my dress. I feel so badly for emily. That sounds
How To Respect Your Kids
"You also urge parents to respect their kids some parents. This is huge. Because i think this is the relational breaking point when a parent can't developer chooses not to develop respect and there's maybe some good rationalization right if you if you saw the way. My child does not clean. His room does not do these things. I expect him. You wouldn't respect them either so speak to me. Is that dad with that attitude. Well absolutely so we like to say relative to the marriage relationship if if a man isn't respecting his wife he's in the process of destroying his marriage in. It's absolutely the same in with your kids. Don't learn to respect your kids. you're actually creating distance. And i wanna tell them myself so. We had a men's meeting yesterday morning in our church and my the older sons that are at home attend and we were going around offering prayer requests. But i've got we've got this. One is pretty stoic. Doesn't say much of anything. But he's a very loving child but he's just not very communicative. And i turned him and i said hey sonny he got something you wanna share anyway. I put them on the spot he. He's eighteen hundred nineteen. But i put him on the spot in front of all the other men the next morning we had a conversation and he said down. I didn't feel respected by you In that moment. And that's interesting and and so. That's the last thing i want. My kids to think is that. I don't respect them so i got to apologize to him. And ask forgiveness and so But it's it's super-critical to especially we're talking about those intervening years where they're transitioning to adulthood. They're gonna make a ton of mistakes and remember how perfect you were as a parent at that age number. How far along you were right. And so we shouldn't expect our kids to encounter life and respond to it as we do as mature adults. Yeah le- let me ask you real practical. What is that respect. Look like what. I mean again i could. I could easily fall into the same trap that you had. Because i'm trying to pull him out. I think i'm doing something good. I say to him. Hey do you have anything in front of everybody else. And maybe he'll step up and have the courage that i'm helping to develop To say something in front of a or ten twelve other guys so how do you matt. What is respect towards your kids. What does it look like. What are those things that we should the first the first thing that we would tell our kids you. You don't get respect because you walked in the room. You get respect because you earned it okay. So when they respond to maybe a large job that they're given when they're faithful with chores that they've had and damned out. They take care of him when they do really well on their schooling because they've applied themselves and they've studied and they've worked hard and achieve something that those are all moments big and small and and if it's a toddler and he said take the cup and put it in the kitchen you know you affirm him in that but telling your sons the word seat we all have these deep wonderful feelings for our kids right but they're not worth anything if we don't actually communicate to them those deep wonderful feelings so personally. I'm looking for opportunities all the time And if it's a specific compliment or if it's just a an analysis that one of the kids made of some news story they saw uh-huh. I'm affirming that i see some man i really respect. Tell you think. I really really love the way your brain works just looking for opportunities to give respect and one of the ways to give respect to. Your kids is to stay out of the way of their sometimes good and sometimes bad decisions.
Dealing With Sensory Processing Issues with Laura Benanti
"How is managing a with your daughter. You know it's really interesting so right. Before we went into quarantine she actually Was diagnosed with sensory processing issues. So that was crazy. Ms it was like we were supposed to start occupational therapy a few times a week and instead they were like you're the teacher and the Let's go so that was a challenge but we left new york city and went and stayed with my parents new jersey in the house. I grew up in a full nine months. But my dad my stepfather. But i call that cheese psychotherapists in a holistic health counselor so that was kinda outweighs al. Yeah and then my mom's voice teacher in it's just like my daughter's obsessed with them so weirdly. She had this beautiful lake villa. Like italian experience. Living with your grandparents such. It's not in our american culture and the way it is so many other cultures and so she got to have this beautiful experience with them. And i got to work because my parents took on like four hour shifts each day like my mom four hours. My dad each four hours husband wear which was. Yeah it really was. It really was audible and my daughter's thrived in a way that i am just so grateful for and we ended up actually moving out of new york city because she seems to be doing so much better with more room and more space with being able to go outside. It's interesting because occupational therapists said to us Has happened if you think of her brain as a bank is. She wakes up with one hundred dollars in the bank. A costs for ninety nine dollars to take the subway will mom. She's got a dollar left the rest of the day and that was such a perfect way to put. It made it so manageable for me to understand like she's just not in a place where that's healthy environment for people who are listening on. What a different things. That you've learned That you feel other than that. Very great big piece of advice as a great way to think about it. What are the things that you've learned work well for her. So there's a book called beyond behaviors because Sensory parents really for me. Based i'll say it's challenging for me to understand the difference between behavioral moment and a sensory She's in a sensory overload or behavior might might not great but she literally cannot help. It is not a thing where meeting on account to three. And then you're gonna stop. It's it's not something that i kept logical. It's not a it's not logical. That's the perfect word So for me distilling. That has been really helpful in. That book was helpful for me with that. Also just sensory play so lake Shaving cream in the bath. Tub kinetic sand touching different textures. We play a game where i've put her on the bed Ocean and i like swish her fourth inside langat and it gives her sort of cozy dark movements and she really loves that. We noticed that mccarthy fight or flight would be a little bit off. She'll be tantrum ing because she wouldn't go through the flight. Art shoot only. Get to fight so we learned circuit being like okay. Let's play hide and seek. When she started to tantrum. It would break her out for us. We discover that refined sugar is really challenging for her. We remove that from her diet and and that has been like incredibly hopeful. Gino subaru lates in the morning is not great for her zoom. Can't handle it So really just understanding what works for your own particular child then needing them where they're at
Janet Lansbury's Daughters Weigh In on Respectful Parenting
"That hera charlotte madeline hi. I'm charlotte i'm twenty eight years old. I'm madeline and i'm twenty four years old. We have a younger brother but he couldn't be here today. Arman gave us some questions that people ask on facebook will get to some of them and use that as sort of a guide to our conversation but overall we will be discussing. Our experiences being raised by. Ri- parents i guess here. We go when if ever did you become aware of differences between the way you were parented compared to your friends or peers. Did you have any thoughts on these differences at the time. What's something you noticed. Your parents did differently than others. That you're thankful for or didn't mike. While i think definitely was aware in a school setting as far as being able to choose activities that we wanted to do. We were never made to do anything. I i think. That's pretty fundamental to the philosophy but we were never made take piano lesson. Everything was totally organically. Had to be our idea and we did take piano and sometimes our ideal was to take piano lessons and it would be for three weeks and then we'd be over it. Read enough to take them anymore. I think actually maybe there was a moment of try to persevere a little bit but for the most part we were allowed to do whatever hobbies we wanted to. And so i think madeline was interested in mad science to dig mount zion. Yeah i feel like. We got to explore a lot of different interests which helped us gain a ton of new experiences. Even if none of those ended up carrying. I still now. If i'm doing the crossword. I know some of the music answers because i took music either in school and a little bit out of school and i learned certain things that add to my knowledge of the world but at the time i was like i don't wanna do this anymore and i just sort of through that way but i still gain stuff from it and at my own pace. Yeah i have friends. Now who say pretty confidently that looking back. They wish that their parents would have forced them to do the violin or some sport because now they would be really good at it. I strongly feel totally the opposite. It's much more important to me than my parents raised me. In a way that fostered the sense of we trust you to choose your activities and pursue the day to day basis. Yeah passion of the day. Well yeah yeah. I feel like i'm one of those people who says that sometimes kind of jokingly but like if i actually think back in valuate do i wish that i magically had some skill. Yeah but that totally discounts. All of the time. That i would have had to spend doing something i didn't wanna do instead of being able to explore stuff that i did want to do But something that we've talked about recently. Is that when you're a kid. You don't really know how other kids are parented. You know you can go to a kids house and they have different foods. They have different toys and stuff like that. But you don't see the differences in the parenting until you're older and you can talk to them about like. Oh what were your parents like when you were younger. Whatever is in your household you consider normal for a long time. I mean i don't know that much about how the brain develops but there's got to be a critical period for like when you start comparing yourself to others. It seems like middle school. I remember in middle school. All of a sudden everything was like. I was self conscious in a bunch of different ways that i wasn't before then including like what was at my house and what other tatton stuff but that point which is arguably the more important part in terms of the philosophy that our parents us before that point. It's not something that you notice every day. You don't see other kids with their parents enough to understand what's going on in their household and you don't care if you go for a play date you think of it more as like oh catherine's brand is to have a bunch of cheese it s- there or they always have this particular game but like you don't feel that you're less than because you don't have that in your own house. Yeah so. I don't think you have to worry about your kids comparing themselves to other people in like preschool. Like no no child. Is that aware
Our Weekend and Holiday Routines During A Pandemic
"Twenty eight is going to be in the books soon. Which i know. Many people are grateful for although you know it's been in my case watching henry grew up this year. It's been his first year of life with all the stuff happening in. So i wouldn't want to wish it away because i've really enjoyed seeing that kids learn grow for that first year although weekends and evenings in such babies are very challenging. Sarah how is our weekends holidays going for you with kids these days. Yeah and in full disclosure. This question came from it. Cut this intro. Inspiration came from instagram. Or someone just wanted to hear. How are we days with kids. We're going these days. So i thought that would be fun to talk about. And i wanted to know from laura's perspective if her number of inker events has changed at all since she had a baby. So we'll see what she says. Ours have changed recently. As i mentioned that jimmy has stopped napping so we have this built in structure of leg in the morning rush. Home get asleep. Relax take a nap while she takes a nap. And then get up and figure something out and now all of a sudden it's like oh that's structure doesn't have to have to constrain us anymore. Necessarily i still would like to have some kind of afternoon. Quiet time which i mentioned previously. So you know. We're working on that but you know if we're both off. We try to do some kind of outing most days. I know some people are able to just putter around the house. I think the ages of our kids were just not there yet. It's not very enjoyable to spend all day in the house into the weather is terrible and we're forced to than that it is what it is but otherwise we are either going to a park. We're trying to go hiking or we are trying to check out the zoo or some other kind of like attraction since it is a nice season and because pandemic so that's kind of our current structure and then we either eat lunch on the go or eat lunch at home although eating lunch and the goal has gotten harder recently because again pandemic but then when we get home we are a little bit more lazy in the afternoons. Some screens typically come on and then we've still doing a very regular rotation of night on saturday and sunday. i typically. that's like our family. Neil where i cook something and it can get a little fancy last week. Cameron requested crab. Again so i cooked a bunch of crabs. We had the little things to open them. Made corn potatoes and beans and stuff they. It was like a nice family dinner. That sounds really awesome. I wish my kids would have crab while samuel eight lobster and crab so yes. He's he's that kid. I'm the others. Don't know what they're missing well with a baby who is crawling everywhere and up on furniture and such. There is no puttering around on weekends. Or here's there could be one person puttering around on the weekends but that means that the other person that needs to be watching the baby And if that is not mutually agreed upon that can lead to resentment on one part or the other so we really have to kind of trade off and say okay. Here's who's doing what at what time so each of us can get our exercise in or any trips or other such things. We need to do figuring out with the other kids activities. Henry is still taking to naps at this point Trying to figure out okay. Will the morning nap the afternoon nap. It's kind of hard to go anywhere. But then again with the pandemic. We have not been doing that much anyway so probably by the time things really start opening up for that possibility. He's gonna be in the next stage which will be fine because then we can go do a morning activity come home to the afternoon nap and have that time that we we know will be quiet because the older kids can generally disagreement. Alex is a bit hit or miss. Although usually if we get him on the computer he will watch it for hours So kind of think of it as camp youtube but The only promise of the other kids decide they want the family computer so we make sure that they do not want the family computer. Please watch something on your phones. Watch something on the ipad. go do something else. Do not take the one computer that alex wants. You know kids do grow up. I had this great idea back in early. Twenty twenty and i had hired basically a second part time nanny partly to help with driving in the afternoons and then to do saturdays as you know full day of childcare so that we could do the older kids activities. Not have the stress of having somebody home for the baby's naps or somebody having to watch the baby on the sidelines of games and things like that and then of course with the pandemic we did not that was not able to continue. That particular person didn't actually want to keep coming whether that was allowed or not. She was not comfortable doing so. So that was the end of that. And so we've just been on for weekends and you know i mean it was probably something i will look into again as things scale back up because we haven't had as many places to go but when we do again i think we're going to like we will have to have somebody home in the afternoon while the baby naps. Possibly as jasper is fourteen. Maybe that person can be hemmed so yeah. I haven't entirely thought that weekends are not exactly relaxing. They says
Healing a Child's Anger (a Powerful Success Story)
"Hi janet. I have a success story. That i wanted to write down for myself and then thought i should share this with janet. It was a textbook. Janet moment for me at a low point last january after my five year. Old boy hit my mom. I read no bad kids and started a deep shift in our family. That i'm incredibly grateful for. Thank you so much for your profound work since last january. I've read something of yours several times a week. Awkwardly trying your approach wondering if i was doing it right with small successes and some hopeless moments but today it all came together. I'd love to share that story with you. My son and i had a conflict yesterday that we didn't quite resolve. I still felt disconnected from him this morning. So after i had done some self care a workout and felt well resourced. I saw that he was driving by himself and i went over and sat next to him. My closeness started bringing up the feelings. I want space go away. I felt the doubt slip in. He's asking for space. Should i just give him space. But then i remembered that he was pushing me away when deep down he probably wanted to be close so i stayed there quietly and just looked at him with. Love is feelings started escalating which unexpectedly made me more confident. Leave me alone. Go over there. You never learned how to listen when you were a kid. You're so mean he screamed for dada to come save him from me. I let him scream. He ran around the yard. I calmly followed then. He tried to throw something at me. And i held his thrashing biting hitting bodies strongly and calmly. We were really in it now. He knows just what to say to knock my confidence. You're hurting my wrist. Me am i hurting him. I'm hot me. Is this cruel. I need space me. I've taught him to ask for space. And now i'm not giving it to him. You're listening to me me. My supposed to listen to him like this. This time i realized that's what was happening. And i leaned in instead of backing off. I held him as lightly as possible but was quick and ready to keep our bodies safe and carried on. I felt so clear about was happening. I trusted what was happening. The next layer came up. I don't like any of the christmas presents you gave me. I only love data. Not you i wanna kill you. I'm going to tell dotted to chop your head off with an axe. I hate you. I felt some of my own sadness. Well up and just allowed it. My eyes brimmed with tears. He made gagging noises and said he couldn't breathe. I trusted all of it and just let it flow up to this point. I had said very little. I'm going to stay close to you. I'm going to keep our bodies safe. I'm right here. I love you but here i added. I know this is so uncomfortable. I'm so proud of you. I felt inspired by the deep work. He was doing all those really scary feelings to come up. That's hard for me as an adult to do. And here's my now six year old really going for it. Wow now. I felt like his cheerleader. Then the intensity just past. He tied my shoelace in knots which felt like an acceptable and shifting expression of wanting to hurt me. I rubbed his back a bit. He was able to make eye contact with me. Is is were big soft pools. I told him. I loved him and he said i love you to kind of a couple more minutes. And then he was in my lap. I was kissing his face and neck and we excitedly set off to draw monster trucks together. I know we have a lot more of this to do together. But now i don't feel scared of it. I often brace myself for these sessions. But today i felt in my body what it feels like to welcome the messy and uncomfortable feelings to trust that they are good that he is good and that this is what really deep emotional healing looks like. Ps in our family we call this. Russia feelings. A wave because that's kind of what the energy feels like it's doing an ocean wave crashing to the shore. I love that. It doesn't have a negative association. I'm in a wave year in a way. It feels neutral. thanks again for all your clear wisdom. It's fun for me to be able to share how much it's affecting our little family
Help! My Wife and I Disagree on Co-Sleeping
"Doctor meg. My wife. And i have four kids recently. We've had a lotta disagreements about how to parent and it's driving us apart. My wife allows our four year old to sleep in our bed. And i moved to another room. It just feels like we're not compatible anymore. What should i do. Well i want to tell you. K b just gonna use your initials instead of your name. Your wife needs to get your four year old out of the bed and you need to be back in your bedroom. This is really inappropriate and very unhealthy for your marriage. Not only that. It's bad for your child sending your child a terrible message. I feel that you guys need to come together on some big parenting issues which you know and tackle these long before you consider separating or getting divorced. I know you're considering divorce. But i think this is at this point. This is much more harmful for your kids. Here's what i would do. I would tell your wife that. There's some parenting things that she's good at and that you want to be sure to support as your kids get older then i would ask you to write down four five parenting issues. That she feels are most important to her to Succeed at as your kids grow older. Then tell her you will support these but that you need her to support your four or five most important parenting issues. In other words you have to negotiate with her. And i talk about this a lot. But it's very important for parents to do or not the same page with discipline co-parenting And many other issues. I really encourage you to find a marriage. Counselor as well to work through your issues and honestly. I'm not so sure that these much parenting issues as either personality ones or merita ones.
Queerwords & Queer Families
"Are we doing. Oh seven seasons of this podcast jamie. What have been no. I said at the other day to someone. When i was blubbering through trying to explain. What my podcast. All god. Jerry explain our podcast which is ridiculous hard. But i was shocked when i said season seven. Even i was taken. Because it's all new for you. You're like you know how they say that. Defray go song talks about. Cassius cassius every time that's like working with jamie. She's really it'll make jimmy. We talked about this literally yesterday really. I don't remember. But i believe you. Thank god you actually. You don't get all like. I don't think that happened because we worked together. At least. you're i believe you. i believe f. Forget everything. I know i just forget things. So let's talk about our first little news item. We got an email from an amazing listener named kate from new zealand. She also emailed. She said what she says. I mean she was a winner in my book from the get-go on our good side all you have to do is say something like she said. Which was i think she said. Hi ladies hi jamie. Helen doesn't get a hello. We were like oh i. That's hilarious like baby baby. Somebody emailed and talked about helen. And my wife's always like okay. Nobody cares nobody. And as i say i said it's an tier and i was like. Oh that's cute anyway. We'll so kate. Kate was emailing us about her story because she's making babies a new new zealand and she was like we're cast. Yeah yeah and then we headed up and then she was like you know what it's my kids story to tell my story and i thought that was such an interesting point i mean. Of course we respect that. We were like sad. But it's your child story to tell of course hundred percent using our kids are to jamie because we i was thinking. We don't give our kids that level respect. We're like that's your story right on. Say about it. I was just talking about this last night with my friends. Like are they going to hate us. We'll say you're going to be like a lot of reasons. Not just that right but so like our point is we totally respect that decision and we totally understand it and we second guess ourselves all the time with what is appropriate to share and what is not appropriate to share. I think i try to use a filter of will they be made fun of in high school and middle school for this or is it like i think when they get older. I'll i'll be like okay. I'm not talking about them. Yeah i reserve the right to change my mind but so did want to give us some points about what it's like in new zealand. We share those jamie. Yes so she said that here in new zealand it is illegal to pay donors for sperm or egg and surrogates. Instead they have a super lengthy wait time through facility clinics and there are only two companies in the whole of new zealand. that stinks. I know and government funding is available but there are strict criteria pretty much. You have to prove that you are infertile by spending a ton of money there. I which. I think we all know that that all heard that one so ridiculous and these obviously these processes are very discriminatory tort are lgbtq folk as often in order to qualify for funding. You have to have been quote unquote trying to conceive for a set period of time. It's very much like our insurance here. A lot of people's insurance some crap is it's just hard. It is just hard across the board. Sometimes we have to be inventive when we make these families we do. We have to jump through hoops but we make them. You know we're still doing it. We're still making our families and they're beautiful. God damnit so larry spacey of beautiful. Our publisher came across. Someone's ebaying our book jamie. It has over utah things. We learned about family. Somebody has ebaying a promo copy of i mean. Listen i hope they read it. I feel like they read it. They loved it and then they wanted to share it with the world and make fifteen dollars maybe but first of all it speaks to two things. It doesn't speak to. It speaks to the fact that obviously we're famous now obviously everywhere. Yup also that people get and he's just not nailed down. I by the way. I use my son to selling things and he had some stuff in his room and i was like you because he always wants online money for minecraft and i. I really limit the amount of money. He's allowed online gaming. And i was like if you generate. Selling some of your. You know he's got all these like nerf guns and the like all the crap that he never touch just like we start generate selling some of that that can be on my money and he was like suddenly just turned into mr wheeling and dealing sixty bucks on facebook marketplace good for him spent an off day. Don't let that kids start. Gambling are any who fire book rate reviewed on amazon. Google good reads. What have yep join. Our patriot community got a special. Thank you to our newest patriot members. Sarah sheehan you. Sarah sarachan thank you. Sarah join our patriot community whatever. Let's get to work guest wayne goodman. Let's talk about wayne. He is the host and the producer of queer words and he had us on to talk about our book and we loved him so much in the middle of the interview he was like oh he was like. I have a story to tell you about habits. You want to hear it and we were like we want to hear it. Yeah obviously helen. Helen ellen wake up let people hear it helen. That was literally have to press a button. Helen that's it. It's like right before the interview jimmy. I literally sat down with her and said helen. I'm going to say and we want to hear it and then you're gonna roll all right way. Let's bring him in. Oh hi wayne hi wayne. Hi jamie and rob welcome to our ovaries. It's so nice to have you on our you. It's it's
166: Using your Own Stories as a Parenting Tool // Elizabeth Pagel-Hogan
"You're listening to three and thirty takeaways for moms episode one sixty six using stories as a parenting tool. Welcome to three and thirty podcast for moms. Who want to create more meaning in motherhood each thirty minute. Episode will feature three doable takeaways for you to try it home with your family. This week i'm your host rachel nielsen. Thank you so much for being here. I have loved writing stories. All my life even remember that one of my favorite christmas presents as a kid was a little become an author kit where it supplied special paper for me to write a story and draw the pictures. Then send the pages to accompany that would bind it as a real hard cover book. It was magic when my book arrived back to me in the mail. I felt like a real published children's book author today on the podcast. I get to interview an actual real children's book author. Who has a unique message for us about how we as parents can use stories as a tool to get to know our kids better
Why Shame and Guilt Doesn't Work
"You're authentic transparent and not always politically correct lance dante guys. We're going to look his dad's lance and always not always but most of the time i'm joined with my partner dante what's up You know a eight week old puppy in my house. A golden retriever. Shorthair that You know ask myself. What was i thinking. that's key. Oh man i'm telling you i. It's like two o'clock in the morning. Five o'clock in the morning. I'm like i feel like i'm a young data. Young parents all over again. It's just the score. I think in between the accidents in the house versus outside is puppies. Got me like sixty forty right now. So he's winning the battle right now but he's so cute. That's what did you get him. I didn't even His name is maxwell regard And we call them aka max Nice yeah nice. Although the kids are like why would name. Buddy like the l. from You know the christmas movie. Yeah and then you guys You and your son ticket trip out to Colorado right you guys. We you know we went to went to the bars. The large box doors and the distilleries and so yeah we we both smoked vs then we went to the bars you know and then we went to the big box stores and realizes long as your big tax income for the state They don't shut you down baby no but on a serious note. We did College tour we saw like four three three colleges. We went through Three of them all one day and then we realized that we weren't that far from cheyenne montana. You know we went to go say hi. To our friendly's chain up there just wyoming yet wyoming cheyenne wyoming yup. And then the next day on Sunday we Did a little church online and we both to my old stomping ground vail colorado. We launched their showed. My boy were dad. You know spent his bachelor. Spring breaks for ten years and then Hey what's the I i just saw this. What's the it's the smaller vail resorts. It's still a vail resort but it's like a smaller resort up there that you can. It's really nice. You can sell go skiing. I just saw somebody went there And they were saying like it's it's it's still like considered under the vail resort but it's a A separate mountain or separate chain or something like that trying to think of what the name was but they were saying that's like it's just as good as vale but it's like smaller crowds and smaller people at a little less money. I was trying to figure you gotta give the name of that one and then he talked me into driving all the way out west to grand junction. Not really sure why. We drove that far but then he goes eight dead. Were only fifteen minutes away from utah so we went up in a got some great sightseeing up in. Utah's just road trip. yeah yeah it was. We definitely cover the state for sure and got to other states along. So what did you think he does. He do like colorado is he. He's he's already made up his mind. A few of his educational grandfather trips. Somebody other grandsons He loved he loves a colorado and he is determined that he wants to go to school. There he is landing there And when it's all said and done he wants to have a ranch and whether it works out in the city or the area that he has a ranch or a goes to a major urban area remains to be seen but hey god bless he's got his heart set yeah buffalo buffalo sunday leagues or bicycler bison as very call them here in the absence. Yeah in america. We don't have buffalo. In america we have bison have to be What is he zoological correct. I don't know if that's what works. Yeah i i think we go with bison bison burgers yeah no because. I've heard that. Because i know like we. We a lot of times. We'll say it's buffalo but technically it's not a buffalo buffalo's like water buffalo. You find in asia where we have american bison so so there's your Bison lesson for today hey guys. Legacy dad's is wrigley does a biblical manhood. This podcast man husband all stages of life word promote and advocate proven biblical principles for leaving a lasting legacy and we talk about bison. apparently so so dante. Okay we're gonna talk about today My wife actually brought this up. Phil's view that don't know my wife say A licensed clinical Mental health counselor. She works with families. Parents and kids and You know sees a lot of different things a lot of different. What's working what isn't working families going through struggles Bringing families on struggles those types things. So she brought this topic up. 'cause i kinda ask her a lot of times like hey what. What are some things you see in her what her parents struggling with. or what. What are you seeing in your work. So i want to ask you this. So what what do you think. What motivates children to behave morally. Both both and i'm talking both on the religious side of the house and senate lucic's what motivates our children To behave and learn self-discipline What would it take to sufficiently motivate moral sympathy. And i'm an again broaden. Your i'm not just talking about kids. I'm talking about across the board even with this with people as well. So if you go to the world's experts human secondly secularists Try to tell us that you know we have to believe that. It's our recognition. If we just recognize the dignity of others or if we just recognize inequality the that should somehow be enough motivation for us to change But we often see. I think that's not enough And when that fails to motivate us morally to behave For example or to treat others with equal rights dignity or opportunities You know or even members of our family What can we do about this so christians. You know the mechanism we most often use. But i think this goes for christians and for the world and jennifer seculars the mechanism.
Yeet, Elbow Scarves and Tiffany Struggles with Keeping Contact
"Her review reads. This podcast seriously brings me joy. Meredith and tiffany. Gimme all the laughs and make me feel like. I'm not failing as a mom. Their reliability and transparency is so refreshing honestly. Their episodes are like sitting down with my favorite girlfriends. Every week persuading marie. I agree with you. Marie we are the best globally rated. Podcast i appreciate you Reiterating that okay. I'm your host meredith mason. He and i'm your host tiffany jenkins this. Podcast will discuss all things marriage motherhood and everything in between please remember when it professionals anything you may actually need though so any advice we give. You can take or leave because it might be crap on today's episode of take it or leave it we are going to be Kind of having a little hodgepodge potluck buffet. Oh conversations so just strap in and make sure that that seat belt is ready for takeoff and cool sentence meredith really good. That was something a potluck. And oh boy. Today we have jessica from knoxville. Things up for us be sure to call us at three one. Five eight three four two six nine six and leave us a message so you can open the show for us. Hello my name my stuff. That and i'm from knoxville tennessee. I have three children My thought of your own my youngest. He suffers autism. My fix euros. She has since reprocessed behavioral issues. And then my twelve year old. She's twelve years old but anyway Let's this show with aim on the moment. We are all here because we all struggle as mom does they haven't is definitely a big all live eker and i cannot believe that actually does that right like i call it a year ago and i couldn't get the thing right and i kept leaving messages but i hope you'll use us for your opening and i love you guys so much and listen to you and ball y'all for years now and keep on doing what you're doing by oh type type. She's not done. O oh now. I don't know i love it. I love that when she got her twelve year old. she was like she's twelve. I felt that i felt that in my soul. Well she's a human. Well it's tough. It's tough just. I mean i know you should never say to a apparent. Just wait but lou. That's the worst thing i know but it is. It is a tough these teenage years. Dave is struggling. We both are. But dave is struggling so hard with sophia right now really so hard. I wanna to take everything away all of the time. You're i literally will say. Hey put your helmet on okay. She'll get on a bike and ride away without a helmet serious. Oh my gosh. It's like she's four or five again. It reminds me khloe every every day. No something is getting taken away every single day and it's just exhausting. It's just gonna be her his sitting in the middle of a room on a mattress. Everything's gone he just and it's has how quickly the mood shifts right like you disagree with him by the way you're talking it's almost like you're not on. The same page is him. No i just don't i mean puberty. Puberty is tough in general. They're a ball of hormones and emotions and feelings and it's like they're not human beings. I've said it time and again they become these hormonal beast beings. And i feel like they don't they don't have control. I don't feel i just don't feel that. She does things purposefully as often as he thinks she does it. Purposefully the issue is always pick your battles while we got pick at least one. She's picking every single one. I i pick my battles because parenting is exhausting. And if i fight with them over every single damn thing. I just may as well throw myself into the ditch in the front yard. Because we done. I can't he just gets so worked up and it's like i mean she's not i don't know anyway. It's tough it is. this is this age stage. Whatever has been tough. I will say the last couple of days. She's been really good. Did you tell her that yes good. Well she found. She found a girl on the neighborhood that she's really been like clicking with. And so it's been nice because she's kind of found this friend and she is also. She has a horseback riding lesson. Today you did. I sign her. I finally got. It wasn't nearly as expensive as i thought it was going to be. So i was like okay. All right we can try because what they said is if you do like a month or two months of the private one on one lesson because they ha you have to literally teach kid how to be around a horse so they don't you know like get kicked in the head after that you can move them into a group lesson and it gets even cheaper and then they can ride with other kids and get more riding time or whatever but the first few lessons. I don't even know if she ever sits on a horse because it's about like getting the horse ready to get onto the horse and like how to be around a horse and where to not stand and where to you. Know like all of that really important stuff when you're okay. I'm going to say if she goes to a horse lesson today and doesn't ride a horse. I'm not dealing with her when she comes home. She's going to have to understand that. Because how much does a horse way. How many thousands of passions it will probably not thousands. It's probably several hundred pounds. But it's a big damn animal. You need to learn how to be around it before you can just jump on. I mean i think just make sure she knows that going into it like set. Set the bar low. Yeah no i agree. And i told her i told her because i drove out there yesterday to get registered and i was like. It's only thirty minutes. We bought the short ones. Because you this is just about getting acquainted. But you know she she. She has black. Most women an expectation in her head. That's most likely not going to be anywhere near the reality. She loves that.
EP151: Got Mylk? The Real Deal with Milk and Milk Alternatives with Brooke Rewa
"I am a momma to a beautiful baby boy born in august. I work fulltime wall so caring for my son. My name is pleased. I am hello. Welcome back to the miraculous mama's podcast i'm your host elizabeth joy and we believe in empowering women through storytelling and a k shen philly. We're already learning so much this year. I had so much fun last week. Talking with chelsea it was really great to be able to open up to her about my postpartum journey and just to get really raw and share some things that i haven't shared things that feel scary to share out loud like hey. Maybe i'm a bad mom for saying this but this is how i feel But she made it such a safe environment for me to be able to confide in her and she is a postpartum coach. So if you're struggling postpartum Definitely getting contact with her or if you just want to prepare beforehand. Get in contact with her. That's something that we don't really prepare for. You start preparing for baby and you know for having the baby and you get the baby clothes and set up the nursery but you really have to take things that are ation. yourself postpartum. It's really important for those first few days to try to do as little as possible. Just to nourish your body and take care of your baby and your self. I know when you have other kids. That might seem impossible to do. But it is really important to care for yourself and then the mental load comes with it. It's pretty i mean. It's i keep saying motherhood trip because it's changed my life drastically But it's beautiful. I'm having a great time with it. I think also. I shared last week. Job like wasn't sleeping for weeks. She was waking up six times a night but this last week she's been waking up once or twice a night and i know that some people are against sleep training and some people are four it. But i've been working with asleep training coach. Because i didn't feel like i could just let her cry it out or anything like that. I you know. I had a really hard time with some of the methods trying to To figure out what to do what worked for me. But i've been working with the cradle coach rachel from the cradle coach and we came up with a way that it was gentle that That wasn't very rough. I guess like it was a couple of nights. And jovi never screamed. She wasn't you know. I didn't feel like i am band. Her was very gentle and she's sleeping so much better. Which means that. I am sleeping so much better. I feel like it just got so much easier We drove down and then veto on. I watched a movie like cuddle up on the couch and watch the movie and and it was so nice because for a while like for over a month we'd put her down within thirty minutes to an hour she was up again and it was just so hard like trying to get those things at the end of the day on or just trying to connect with vito and i usually shower at the end of the day and get ready for bed and then i was getting ready for bed at like eleven o'clock at night i'd be going to bed at midnight and now i can actually go to bed at ten o'clock so it's it definitely. I feel like has gotten easier. Thanks to though cradle coach helping us out Sleep really does make a difference. And there's so many different resources out there and i know it can be overwhelming and that's why i just really loved talking with chelsea last week. Just how she was saying the importance of validating your experience. And i just want to remind you guys if you have a mom mama friend. Who's sharing with you. What she's going through just to validate her not to immediately be like. Oh yeah i did that like just kind of sharing your experiences definitely space and a time for that but making sure that when she sharing hers that she feels heard and validated. Like oh yeah that formats sleep. Progression really sucks. I remember that. How are you doing you know. And and then even being like. Can i give you some pointers to help me. Get through it or you know. Then you can kind of connects but being able to validate somebody who's in. It is so so important. Because i feel like in this motherhood community we often. It's we shared it last week. Like community by commiserate like you know building relationships in our community. Oh yeah this sucks. I've been there. Oh wait sold this this wait till the six month whatever then it really sucks than you know an and we're just trying to take it one day at a time. It's lemme rejoice in my victory. Right now that. I know there's going to be nights where jobe doesn't sleep. I know that you know she's already started teething. she's gonna have other sleep regressions but let me just rejoice in the fact that she is right now and be and feel good that she's sleeping. I'm sleeping. I feel like i can take care of Other things get some stuff done around the house then some work done and and be proud of that before the next you know sleep progression poop hits the fan so just a reminder to like. Nobody's done not to me. But i just know that it happened. So just a reminder to be validating other moms and connecting with them and helping build each other up in that community and it's not a comparison for who has it worse or
16: Fart Protocol & Imagination Games
"So he turns around and says this might toot whole point that his but it just cracked up for probably a good twenty minutes. He just kept doing it. We would laugh like perfect comedic timing. He turned around again and be like sh- is my to hold and it's funny right because it's two tall and is located talking about far. It's also think it's fascinating because not neither of us taught him that. No i mean. I didn't tell him that you didn't tell him that we do call them. We call them to write in our house and it is a whole i mean you know he knows what holes are right but then he just magically put to do together one day and called it his to toll could have just easily call it his bottom hole or his his tutor. Scooter or his to trumpet. I mean with it was like it was. It was at the same time so hilarious and also a fascinating moment of toddler brain development where he created his own word for something so it was so funny. Just like a portmanteau of two other words that we use to talk about l. My gosh you know. I don't think i've ever said like that's that's your anus. Which your butt hole that leads me to an even bigger question of like what do you call is like anatomical things. I know that you your dad's a doctor you grew up with like penis and anus and maybe not amos. But maybe but holiness wasn't really discuss. Yeah we didn't say like we we right. We said pain. Yes you call it a pain Hangers now wizard. Pena's because i don't now. My dad was a doctor. And i guess that's like his goto saying the real word for the thing right and your mom's also a teacher so right probably thought okay. We're gonna go with the like the real word but we have decided that we're going with you know like our own words for things kid. Words for words. Yeah her gone with we penis right and and to which like farts isn't even like a bad word. But now i just actually. I got the word to from a from a friend of mine. Who i i was like in her house. We had our kids together. Young and One of farted. And i was like oh and she goes. We call them. Toots we call to. it's now too. I like that. Thank you deborah but Yeah so yeah. We have these cutesy names for things. Yeah and now. West is taken the cutesy name and turned it into the actual anatomical word that he uses for his fascinating and he's so funny also he's obsessed with toots right that's true. He's going through a phase. Yeah i mean maybe a lot of parents out here are listening have experienced the to phase but he's such a boy farts and then he laughs and then he goes. Did you hear a toot. Looks at me and ask me. If i heard him fart. Yes i'm like. Yeah i heard you. But i wonder if that's like a small way that us as a society and us as parents like start to like unconsciously enforce gender norms right. That's like we just laugh. We're like that's hilarious. Your tuten you're laughing. You're saying it's youtube whole but like if if were a girl would we like. Hey oh you say you shouldn't fight at the dinner table. Say excuse me manby. But i think probably that is really really interesting. I mean i struggled with ibs. And i don't think you've ever talked about before the you wanna i
Ep. 42: Representation, Storytelling and Motherhood with S. Nadia Hussain
"Where we look a parenting through a political ends diana angie. I'm super excited to welcome a bad ass. Mama who i admire so much that i'm totally fan girly her all over social media today. My guess is nadia hussain. Nadia is a senior campaign director moms rising and a little bit. We're going to hear all about her work there. But i want to give you a little of her background because it's impressive. Nadia serves on the national board of directors the aclu as an affiliate representative the new jersey chapter and she is a proud bangladeshi american the co founder of bangladeshi american women's development initiative of which is a community initiative empowering bangladeshi women and girls in new jersey. Welcome nadia. i'm so here. Thank you so much for that warm. Welcome and i'm very excited to be with you. It was mutual found girling. It wasn't just used also me so so we always started the podcast with the question. Parenting and politics What what comes to mind. I know you have a lot to say. Well you know i i. Can't i always think the parenting is political. And i feel like politics even before all hyper hyper partisanship in all and frankly drama like all over the place you know it it blew. Politics is seen as this ugly word. It's a bad word. And you know. And i say if you're part of society you're part of the political whether you decide to engage with it or not then that's a decision and breaking it can be a privilege to not everybody has access to the same spaces right but but regardless regardless if you're interested or even if you have the access you get impacted by politics and so i can't imagine something more political than parenting.
The Key to Kindergarten Admissions + Listener Q and A
"Welcome to raising good humans. I'm dr eliza pressman and today's episode is about kindergarten admissions. That's right kindergarten admissions because it is really intense in some of the cities in this country and in other countries getting into private school has become a really big thing and so this time of year a lot of schools are making their choices and parents have to come to decisions about whether they're sending their children to school and many of them haven't been able to see the schools in person so we're going to talk about making that decision and also for those of you who are going to go through this process in the spring and fall. to give you the benefit. Of jamie mccall who is an educator and top school consultant now if you are not thinking about private school and this seems totally irrelevant you can skip this section and move right to listener q. And but i did want to answer your questions and make sure that i got the best information to possible. So i hope you enjoy this episode with jamie and i always want to hear from you. So the questions. At the end of this are from your. Dm's on instagram. And i really love hearing from you. So keep those coming and i really do try to get to them and as always if you enjoy the show. Please don't hesitate to subscribe at rates and eden right a little review if you have time this year in particular people right as we speak are about to make their decisions for what schools to go to not been able to see those schools so i want to address that like choosing the school the kindergarten. That's right for your kid. Can you know what kind of learner they are. At that age men we can go into the process for people who are going to go through this next year. I believe that a large majority of foreign five year old kids will do fine in any kindergarten environment. It really comes down to what parents want to provide for their child. Obviously as a child gets older it becomes very obvious who they are how they learn what their interest started cetera. Now that said there still are a good handful of kids that do need something more specific they might need more structure They might need something. That's more rote memorization. They might need need something. That's more experiential hands on but overall at a kindergarten model. The vast majority of kids will do fine. Anywhere really comes down to what parents watch provide for their children. What can parents do now when they're thinking about what they're looking to like what i guess when you say what. Parents want to provide for their child's de mean. What kind of school environment. They want to provide what they're responding to in the particular school. A community teachers head. Gaji earning approach learning philosophies. How much arts. How much sports. How much well rounded different things. Is there a foreign language in elementary school. Is it a k. Through six decatur eight is it a k. Through twelve all the different factors that play into it and what everyone wants is different as it should be. Because it'd be pretty boring if we all want same so our people just looking at catalogs right now and trying to assess. What's real versus. What's in the catalog. it is and it's hard because not everyone practices. What they preach of is just copy on a piece of paper but i think that the best advice i can offer people as Figure out a way if you can't talk to parents current parents at school imperiling to be honest and talk to you about the strengths of the school as well as the challenges of the squawks no schools perfect. You know end. All the schools are meeting for the right kid in the right family. And if you talk to parents who are in the experience and i wouldn't talk to a kindergarten family whose only experience has been since september having their kid thereon. Zoom talked to a family. That's been at the school Really experience a swollen experience. The community teachers administration guinot. Ask these parents questions. How responsive is a teacher or administration. If there's an issue. How much is the learning differentiated for the kids. You know how how our field trips structure Our social situations fostered. Do they preach kindness. Do they teach kindness. What is diversity equity inclusion. Look like at a school all of these things matter. But i think the perspective of a parent who's lived it is going to be more real than a website. And can you tell the kind of academic experience that a child will have from the. Are there any like codewords in the website that will give you a sense of. It's more if it's more traditional or more progressive and also let's define traditional versus progressive so traditional progressive are pretty broad terms. I think in the sense of what most people think of when they think of traditional in a classic sense said from an older time where a lot is learned through rote memorization. On kids are lectured. They take notes. They memorize the information. They're tested on friday and may move on. I think there are fewer and fewer schools.
#437 Matthew McConaughey
"Buyers. Club you've seen him another smash hit movies like magic. Mike interstellar lincoln lawyer the wedding planner in so many other hit movies. He also started in the smash at hbo drama true detective. He's won all the major acting awards including the golden globe award mtv movie award people's choice award the screen actors guild award and on and on and on is one of the most recognizable actors at all of hollywood but more importantly he is a class. Follow all the way. He has got a new book out titled green lights. And if you guys are a fan of matthew mcconaughey. I highly recommend you. Download the audio book mcconnell. Hey narrates the book and it is extremely well done. I've listened to a ton of audio books. I knock them out at least one week and this was quite an experience that i really enjoyed the link to the book is in today's show notes. It's an honor to have on the podcast today. Matthew mcconaughey will be here with me and just a few minutes so please stick around for the interview and today's interview with matthew. Mcconaughey was recorded on video and is available for you guys to watch on my youtube channel. And you'd like to watch today's conversation between the oscar winner and myself. Please get over there and hit me with a subscribe on youtube. The link to that is in the description of today's podcast episode. All right and i do understand that having matthew mcconaughey on the podcast will bring many first-time listeners. To the show here. And i'd like to say welcome to all of you that tuning in for the first time my mission here on the podcast is to celebrate fatherhood and family life and hopefully change that negative narrative that so many young men have about fatherhood and starting a family. I do this by bringing on men who have just crushed it in life yet. They testified that it's been through the experience of becoming a father that has given them a true sense of fulfilment. So i'd like to invite you to stroll through the catalog of das- that i've interviewed here on the podcast including skateboarding. Legend tony hawk. Ufc president dana white nfl goat. Tom brady navy. Seal jaakko willing backstreet. Boy nick carter. And hundreds of other dads. I'm sure you're gonna find one. They will be interested in listening to and make sure you guys have follow me on instagram at alec on the school as where hear all the upcoming guests announcements and so much more next week on the podcasts. Wwe superstar aj styles and comedian mazda. Brawny will be here with me if you guys do. Enjoy the podcast. I asked that you do hit me with a rating review on i two or spotify. Wherever you're listening it really goes a long way to help me out. And as always i asked the dads please me spread. The podcast. spread the message every father. That's in your neighborhood or in your contact list. Let them know about the showed it is. He is celebrating fatherhood family life. Fatherhood rocks family values rule and every day is father's day right here with me and i'm going to be right back with academy award winning actor matthew mcconaughey. Hey i'm alex and you're listening to first
Helping Your Child With An Unwanted Pregnancy As A Pro-Life Parent
"I wanna dig into a couple of components. What you've told us one your parents. You've mentioned that it wasn't as bad as what i thought it would be with. My parents Their parents maybe today who are listening right now that later going to get a call from their pregnant teen daughter or they're gonna see them at dinner and this discussions going to happen. What kind of counsel do you give to parents about how to react if this happens. Well i just believe that guide is the creator of all life and so he knew what he was doing when He blessed this girl woman with an with a baby even if it was unplanned by her. This baby was planned by god. And so we've seen girls that are almost about to kill themselves suicide or on drugs or just going down the wrong path and all of a sudden find out. they're pregnant and this is the thing that kind of gets them back on the right track and so to look at the bigger picture of what god might we doing here and leading his daughter back to him and then the other aspect of what. You said that really catches my attention as your christian convictions. I mean you're nineteen eighteen nineteen at the time. And so you know you're you're getting to the point where that maturity is happening and yet You know when the moment came and of course we understand passions and those things. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about realization. That i'm pregnant and now what do i do you know. Some people may be have never had to walk that difficult decision and even though your church you understand christian values you're pro-life in your heart now. The pressure's on you because you know this the situation and you've got to make this decision. Why do you think it's not automatic. Why do you think the girls are second guessing everything they've been taught for seventeen years eighteen years nineteen years in your case what what is missing in their worldview construct that they even go that direction. Well i think it's two things one as i said before. Fear fear is the biggest reason why women have abortions. You're scared and it does seem like alluring to have a quick fix of z z. Right even though it's a trauma that is a lifelong yes for sure But the other thing is i grew up in church my entire life and i never knew there was a pro-life movement ever. I never knew. I would stay outside abortion clinics with my parents sometimes and we would prey. But i didn't know there were all the resources like i had no idea and i remember when i wrote my first book even writing that book. I didn't think i'm writing a pro-life book stories of girls with unplanned pregnancies and as we started embraced grace. We didn't think i'm going to start a pro. i was like i'm going to help with planned pregnancies. And it wasn't until the first conference. It was actually care net conference which is pregnancy center training conference. They asked me to come speak. And it'll give me a booth in this like an exchange and so in. So we were like how to do some brochures and things and i had never heard of care net. I've no idea. I show up and there are hundreds of booths organizations of people that are ready to assist at a moment's notice for women with unplanned pregnancies. I had no idea that there was that out there. And i think the mainly the church in general is the same way when i talk to people. They've gone to church their whole life. They don't know a lot of them. Don't even know what a pregnancy center is and that's plague the one of the most important things we need in our communities you know. That's the first response team in the churches. The hospital and we gotta have. We gotta know what's all in our communities to help. I think when we talk about with the opening comments that you made in terms of where the churches at these are some great gains over the last forty forty. Five years at the church really has stepped up. It's not the same as nineteen seventy-three. The church is far more sophisticated and far better equipped to help. Young women are share and a woman of any age who's in that position to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and that that is the good news and i encourage you to get engaged with your local pregnancy resource center and volunteer support them financially That's what focus does and there's three thousand four thousand of these clinics around probably right in your neighborhood so look for one and join in the part of it. Most of them are volunteer run. So that's a good thing to do. They do need each one of us.