We could all use a laugh. Get the giggles listening to the latest audio releases from these hilarious comedy podcasts.
A highlight from Lilly Singh: A Roast of the Jonas Brothers
"It is such an honor to be part of the Jonas Brothers family roast. Man. You know, to be honest, I already feel like a member of the family because at Nick and Priyanka's wedding, Kevin and Joe both said to me, we're so happy you're marrying our brother Nick. If you don't know me, totally understandable. I'm Lilly Singh. What's up? Thank you. I love the Jonas Brothers so much that I came dressed as Kevin Jonas today. As you can see, we both shop at forever 21. Now, I got my start making comedy videos on YouTube. And since then, my career has been filled with ups and downs in an industry that's still predominantly white males. So yeah, I'm thrilled to finally be on a Netflix comedy special celebrating three white guys from New Jersey. Yeah. And the Jonas Brothers are so white and basic. They're like if white claw were a person. I mean, Joe is so white that when it was time to name his band, he couldn't even spell dance right. I did love the Jonas Brothers as a teen. You know, I had their posters on my walls. I mean, come on, they were hot, right? Yes. And they helped me figure out who I was as a person. And I'll never forget being a young girl in Canada, staring at a picture of the Jonas Brothers and thinking, maybe I'm into girls. This is fun. It's crazy that the Jonas Brothers are now under late 20s and 30s, and I can still grow more facial hair than all of you. Weird flex, but here we are. I know my strengths and weaknesses, okay? Speaking of weaknesses, Kevin is here. Kevin, real talk. Kevin is actually my favorite Jonas brother. Yes. Mine too. Because he makes you believe that anyone can be a pop star. When you see a picture of him next to Nick and Joe, you always think, wow, Nick and Joe are really close with their accountant. Nick, you'll always be the baby of the Jonas Brothers. And I don't know if you know this, but Nick can't even grow a beard. Yeah. That's why he married one. But it's hard not to love Nick Jonas. Am I right? Come on, look at him. Yeah. Nick is the dreamer. He's determined. He wants to be the best. Nick hopes to someday have a Grammy, an Emmy, an Oscar and a Tony. And he will, if he adopts four more dogs and names them, Grammy, Emmy Oscar and Tony. Hi, Joe. I didn't forget about you. Thank God. I mean, I did from 2008 to 2015, but not tonight. But it also, I am so honored to be here tonight and to be included as part of your family rose. Thank you so much for having me. Obviously, I'm a huge fan of Kenan Thompson. Thank you so much, everyone. Good night. Watch Lilly Singh roast the Jonas Brothers in the Jonas Brothers family roast, only on
A highlight from Kenny Sebastian: A Joke about the Ostrich
"Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. What are the minimum requirements to be a human being? It's okay, don't think about it. It's not too tough. You just have to be born. Just have to be born. There's no interest exam. There's no waiver. Nothing. You're born and they give you a certificate also. Hey, thank you. Not easy. To give you a certificate. Why does it say certificate of participation? Because he mom did all the work. My dad always and for that, he don't give. He only enjoyed. It. What is the minimum requirement to be a bird? To fly to fly. That's why I want to talk about the ostrich. You think you have expectations? Imagine a whole species as an expectation. You know how stressful his family life is. Ostrich? Yes. I want to talk to you. Grandmother's not well. What happened to her? She doesn't have much time. She has one last request. Anything from she is to me, you know, I love. She wants you to fly. I'll probably had ostrich. A conflict, but. If he tried on. Why not? And why did I give you an education? So you can do what we can't. I can't do it. Then what do you do in your room all day? Your music music are going, what is this nonsense? For your information, my ice cream practicing for the fight came out of town. And the second fastest land animal. Yeah, I still second. Okay. You don't have to be with me. Just this is an enemy from home. Yeah, I don't know. You still come second, you bastard. It's ugly answer. Mother Nietzsche gave him nothing. At least the peacock has something it is bomb embroidery. Somebody's not. Something it is. All she just docks 'cause I see the opposite. I get tired. I'm like, I didn't take a nap. He got into jail because he has four toothpicks for him. That's what mother needs a kid. It's so sad. Watch kidney Sebastian the most interesting person in the room only on Netflix.
A highlight from 282. LGBTQI People in Ukraine with Jessica Fostekew and guests Anna Sharyhina and Vira Chernygina
"Helena warrior to explore stories and ask first those who usually ask last or not at all. This week's episode you will hear from refugees, specifically about channel crossings and it is such a tragic tragic week to release this. But it's never been more necessary. It's a wonderful engaging podcast that the world really, really needs. So please go rate review, subscribe to media storm, and support the new podcasts from the house of the guilty feminist. And now on with the podcast. I'm a feminist Deborah. I am. I'm a feminist but restaurant wise. When someone just decides to choose the food for the whole table, especially if the whole table is just me and them, I get a huge huge boner for that. Even though it's really domineering. Oh, you find it sexually attractive when someone says, we'll have higher order for us, shall I? And I'd be like, oh, you find out a sort of act of sexually dominant. I mean, it's one of those things there's a bit of conflict in my head. I'm like, oh, will we? Will you order for a space? Will you? But my pants go, yes, he will. Wow. And is that only when you say he? Is that only for mine? I just happened recently with a man, yeah. Oh, and you found it sexually exciting. Well, I don't know. Just a vaguely a bit of a single turn on the bossiness of it. Also just relaxing, isn't it? When you got a podcast by eating, people always gonna ask you, I'm eating now. There's a bit of satsuma in my mouth. So sorry. I'm rarely not eating. So people come to me for advice about eating, and it's so nice with someone so confident that they just take over. I sexy. I find it equally sexy. And I don't say I approve of it. I say I'm aroused by it. Yeah. That's different things. I'm a browse by hardly anything I approve of, and it's a real problem. I'm a feminist, but I'm aroused by things I don't approve of almost exclusively. I'm a feminist, but the other day in a restaurant, I came in a little bit late for a meeting and a man did that old fashioned chivalrous thing where he got up out of his seat a little bit. He just did this. He just stood up because I came in and then sat down again. Oh wow. Honored you with a little bit of standing up. Yeah, it's not that's a few steps away from a doff of a cap in terms of it's a chivalrous thing. Quite posh. Men used to do, probably a generation ago where they stand. And I really enjoyed being stood for. It made me feel very lady like. Yeah. I'm sorry, isn't it? I'm sorry. I had a boyfriend once was stature wise, absolutely minuscule. Tiny, gnome of a boyfriend. But he still did a thing where if we were walking along any pavement, he would insist on standing roadside. Yeah, one brother used to do that. So that if a car came on to the pavement he'd be the first to die, but. They wouldn't splash on your dress in the horse and Carol. I see. I felt like it was more of a I'm here to protect you. So it's so toxic masculine. It's so infantilizing of me. I'm in my, I was in my 20s. I wasn't just gonna run in the road. I'm not four. But equally, I just thought what a kind man. Yeah, so he didn't want mods smashing on a crinoline. On your bustle. It's protective whether it's a protective from being hit by a car or mud from a month. I'd rather, most of the time I'd rather get a bit of mud on me than hit by a car. Yeah, always. But I mean, if one has a gentleman caller, let's be incredibly honest about this. He can have the muddy trousers. Yeah. Slash, we run into our car. The patriarch has got to be good for something. Yeah. And if it keeps mud off my bustle. I want that to be an Edinburgh show. Keep mud of Debra's bustle. Is that mud on depressor? Debra's muddy bustle. That's a kids, but that's your first kids book. Deborah smiling. Yeah.
A highlight from Phil Wang: A Joke about His Body
"I used to come for myself with all these old platitudes, you know? Oh, it doesn't matter how we look on the outside. Who I am on the inside that counts. Well, it turned out who I was on the inside was having trouble breathing. So. Even the most well meaning ideologies have the practical limits. And so I started working out and you also started putting some work in started working out and exercising a lot of weight and lots of lots of good bitter right weight reasonably lost some weight. Thank you. I would appreciate it really kind. Made it all worth it. Thanks so much. Lots of wine recently lost a bit of weight. Mainly from my dick, which is a shame. You never know where it's gonna come off, do you? He was hoping to be on your belly or your jaw line. For me, is my penis. This is my body now. This is my physique. I'm content. I'm content with this body. I'm content. I'm not happy. No more. Everyone lost my mind. I'm not happy with my body. But I'm content. You know? I think we are on the too much pressure at the moment to be happy with our bodies. It's not really the job of your body to make you happy. 'cause what is your body? Your body, your body is just a compromise you've made. Between the lifestyles you want to live at the same time. You know? What is your body? Your body's just the inter sanction between your ideal and your effort. Like, this is my body. This is not the body I want. I want a better body. But to this is how much I want that. It's not like I've had no say in the matter. I was trying to look good, you know? Started working out. Going down in the gym. Thank you. Guys, I started doing a Pilates. That's right. Old Pilates Wang over here. Look at lattes. Got to get on the old plateaus, everyone. Pilates for the back is either doing the Pilates. If you don't know what plateaus is, by the way, Pilates is basically atheist yoga. That's all it seems to be Pilates. I've been doing it a while now. That's all it seems to be. It's just atheist yoga. It's yoga without all the fucking goals. You know? Pilates are more like, you know, bend over the stick. There is no God. That's what that is. I think it's German. I think he's German. He started doing plants. He's trying to look better on a little better. Trying to better him, but that is, you know, 31. Trying to catch the pieces as they fall off, put them back in. So extreme Phil Wang, Philly Philly Wang Wang, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Staten Island Asians (w/ Mark Kramer)
"We love having that. We're trying to get to a thousand reviews. If you're on YouTube, hit subscribe, hit like and leave a comment. We want to know what brand a condom you like, okay? I'm a classic guy, okay? I like fucking a good old acme one. Acme. Acme. That's like me. Yeah. That's the shit that they give you at college campuses, I feel like that's the shit that they got the roadrunner got, you know? So that's the kind of like. And if you're checking us out on Spotify, hit subscribe so you can always get the latest episodes. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Also, if you're listening on YouTube, please don't abandon your audio platforms because that's how you mainly make money. So do both. Subscribe, but also hit both download on my phone. The phone thing is a little bit more important. Before we start to show we always give a shout out to a news page on subscribers. What is Patreon, is the best way to support this podcast where you completely independent operation. We're not with any network. So we need money to pay for our producers, editors, all that good stuff, especially now that Mike and I know different coasts. So if you like what you've been hearing, please consider going to Patreon dot com slash Asian dot Asian pod. And give us your money. And in exchange, we give you bonus episodes. We send it to your DMs, and most importantly, we give you a shout out on this podcast by guessing what ethnicity you are based on your last name. Also a quick note, we are getting a lot. So we do like three or four at a time. If you're like, hey, I don't like three weeks ago, where's my name at? We'll get you within the month. So just chill out. Chill out. This would be cool man. It's really not a big deal. All right. So here we go. Our newest subscribers for this week first person. It's a good mix. We gotta get a mix. Here we go. Athena, Chuck E. Tom. ATI and a, CHAI, KIT, HOR and techy thorn. Take a thorn. Yeah, this person is ties shit. This person. You think this is Thai? Are you goddamn kidding me dude? You put a Latina? I've never met an ITW. Okay, first of all, you okay, you're right. You write about a Tina, a Tina sounds like a cyborg name. A Tina battle angel Latina, right? But chaika Thorne, any thorn in there? That's like a Thai name. I bet you this is even the short time name. Probably gonna sign. I didn't think it was long enough for ty. Yeah. Oh, you think this is a British version? Yeah, this is like this is like the little Wayne, you know, the shortened street version, you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah. Of the Thai name. So I shit and also a little wing. So your tie Asian. I love that. Yeah, I love that type people's last name is kind of like the new Taylor Swift song that came out. It's like ten minutes long, but it took her like ten. It took like ten years to release it because people weren't ready. It's like that. They weren't ready. We're not a full name. We don't get the tie version. You get the first. Three syllables. When you're ready, that other 12 will come out. Okay. Yeah. Love it. Next you have Patrick Wen WE. I think this Chinese. I think those Chinese, this is a good old Chinese rolled in heights Chinese dude, you know? It's role the nights. Next, we have V just VV dot last name is chow. That's kind of like a cool pop pop singer name. You know, I'm getting I'm getting like Taiwanese pop surgery. Yeah. Hong Kong Hong Kong Hong Kong HK pop going on V trial. That's cool. I got to see you. I got CD. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for donating until your record label. We said hi. And last but not least, we have, is this Tammy? I think it's Tammy. Shoe, HSU. Tami, Tammy shoe. Chinese. She was Chinese, but Tam Tammy, Tammy. Oh, is this fucking maybe a Japanese name? Like tummy a word? Damn. You make everything Japanese, don't you? Well, 'cause just 'cause it's like the pattern, you know? Yo, I get you. Well, my grandpa's name was Tommy yah. So maybe Tommy, maybe a girl's name? Maybe have Taiwanese have or have Chinese F Japanese maybe, maybe. Okay, you got that hypothesis. I'm gonna go Tammy. This is a good old, this is a good old Midwestern good hearted Christian Chinese woman living in Wisconsin. Tammy. Good old Tamil. Little Tammy. Good old Tammy. All right, get some get some donuts and chill, you know? Go with some fried curd. We love that about Wisconsin. Love it. All right. Well, thank you so much for donating. And if you want to get into this game, please go to Patreon dot com slash Asian Asian pod. Before you bring our guests on, we always like to start this podcast by asking each other what kind of Asian, we were this week to figure out what it means to be Asian Americans. So Mike, what kind of Asian, will you this week? I was crime victim Asian. This happened, I was for people who know I was visiting my relatives in Los Angeles last week. My mom and my aunt, I was staying at my house and my aunt is, you know, she does well. And she lives in a very nice part of Los Angeles. And I was there for three days. I was there, well, no, like, four days. I got there on Thursday and I left on Sunday. In over those four days in Southern California, my mom was a victim of crime twice. Twice. In that neighborhood, in that nice neighborhood. So not so first on Friday, she went to go get me some file. She went to 5 79. It's like one of James beard award. It's the best file. I mean, it's a really good. And so she was in that she was in the parking lot with my aunt. And man has a nice car. And they had their purses in the front seat and my mom is like loading the car with her baby boy. That's me. And loading the car with like in the to go to go. To go to go. She was loading up the car with pho. And my aunt is in the driver's seat and they notice there's these other guys who are parked right next to them in her description. They looked kind of scary. That's what she described the match. She said, they're kind of scary. They're like, young guys. And she was like, what's going on here? But whatever. She's loading the fob. And my aunt notices that she needs some help, so she gets out of the car. As soon as my aunt gets out of the car, the car the scary guy car peels out and drives off. And they're like, what was that? And then right away, they realized they had taken the purses that were sitting in the driver in the passenger seat. So when it goes down. So we're not sure they can't remember if they had the windows down or maybe there's open the door and took it. But they took both of the
A highlight from STFU
"Just because you have zero desire to keep it over your cousin's new gig working at the local ginkgo's doesn't mean you should socially steamroll to talk about your alleged fabulous life. Because you see it as a more interesting dinner conversation. Do you want everybody to talk shit about you? Swallow it down. Scream into a microphone in the form of a one way conversation for obscene amounts of money and realize how luck you are to even have a fucking job.
A highlight from Solder Me with Rosebud Baker and Andy Haynes
"Mega is an improvised satire from the staff of a fictional megachurch. Haya, I'm hali Labonte and this is mega coming to you from twin hills community church where every single week we're given our mega church, a tiny family field. We introduce you to members of our church staff, people from our community. It is a treat and it is a treasure. Will per usual. I'm joined by my co host. He's the youth pastor for our high school ministry called climax. Please welcome grey halves. Ride in a bod with Christ by my side, Hayley. How are you? So good. I was your week how your climax kids, brother? I had the best weekend with my teens who came to climax. We had a lock in. It's been a while since we've had one and that is just sort of the Pinnacle of all youth group activities. And it was just so great to be locked back in the same space. Well, what did you do? We had so many great activities. You know, we started out we watched the new dean Kane movie. The man who went to heaven. Oh, was it good? You know, I didn't love this story or the characters of the acting, but the message was a good one. Yeah, yeah, that's how it goes. Yeah. And then, you know, I let the teens do the favorite game, which is sardines. Oh yes, that kind of see? It is like Heine seek for those who don't know. It's like reverse hide and seek where everyone is looking for one person and that person's hiding. And when you find them, you have to hide with them until everyone is hiding together in the same place. I think it's kind of like trying to remember what it was like to be a persecuted Christian being hunted by the room and said something in hiding. I know. So really fun. It really is. And you know, I did have one thing that was flagged. You know, I don't like to name names, but one team, his name is COVID Lemay. COVID like COVID? Yeah, like it's like a total coincidence, but his mom just like the name, apparently, and it just became, you know, then it became a disease. Okay. Well, what did he do? Well, he's he's sort of my informer on the inside and he tells me all the things to look out for. You know, he's a bit of an arc. And he told me that the teens were doing this thing called no genes sardines. No genes, sardines. Yeah, no genes. Oh no, like taking off their pants? Actually worse, they made. You know, they made this rule. They could only wear thin, you know, soft and stretchy fabric when you play. And I think that's because what they were doing is they were all hiding in a closet and they were stacking on top of each other. And they wanted to try and feel what was in the front and the back. Oh, what everybody had in their front and then their band. Yeah, so I was just, you know, I was wondering why all the guys were wearing spandex bikers. know, and now I had my aunts at the first, I thought it was just a new fashion thing is something. And I was about to go buy some. Glad I didn't. Yeah. You know what, I mean, I did. I have some spandex spike as the CrossFit and other stuff. Anyway, you know, that's basically what went downhill. I'll make sure that my son did as I have any spandex or if I find someone throw them out. So what did you do once you found that out about the sardines thing? Well, you know, I sent everybody home just to put on thick pants and then they came back and they played twister, which is so much more fun. It's not going to put you in a compromised position. So that's fun. Yeah. Well, I don't want to get too personal. But how's it going with Jen hat making? Oh, J hat, yeah, you know, my lady friend, and hat maker and I, you know, we've never been better Howie. I'm just, you know, pretty soon. I'm looking to pop the question, I think. You're gonna get engaged? No, no, no, no. Like, I'm going to invite her to come to church with me and make it public that we're a thing. Because we got to make sure that people know what's what, especially kind of at our level. And I'm just my cloud score right now is going through the roof with us dating and getting married, you know, might hit that, so I'm just kind of slow burning the whole thing. Kind of like playing it out in the meteor and kind of will they won't they of Christendom, you know? So that's really cool. Wow, that's really cool. How was your week, Kelly? Well, you know, grey, I am very proud of my son day. Because he's taking a P world history. Oh, like the college level. Yeah, it's a college level class. He's actually, you know, he's a pretty smart kid, even though he's always saying dumb stuff. But he's taken these AP courses so he can get into a good price. That's great. But I noticed he had put bookmarks in all these like Buddhist things in his textbook. And just in a weird moment of spontaneity, I threw his workbook away. Oh, wow. So then it was a whole thing because he was like, mom. That was for school. And I said, I'm sorry day. I don't want you reading Buddhist stuff. That's within your right. Yeah, and he said, mom, it's not dangerous to study world religions. And I said, I hate to break it to you today, but Buddhism is not a religion. It's some kind of cult of hippies smoking incense or something.
A highlight from Hasan Minhaj: A Joke about His Daily Show Audition
"I walk into the studio and I see that daily show globe. It's so blue. I can't tell you how blue it is. And now I'm like sweating through my suit. The producer's like, hey man, just sit down with me. We'll run it a few times, and I sit down, and I get to the desk. And sitting presidents have sat on that desk. I sit down and we're running it the first time, and I'm nervous. He goes, hey man, just slow down, all right? We run it a second time. Now I'm stuttering. And he goes, hey, man, relax. You're funny. Which is a telltale sign of someone being like, hey man, you're not funny. You probably shouldn't relax. And now I can feel it. I'm choking. We've all been there. Everyone's gonna be like, hey man, how'd it go? And you're like, pray your hands positive thoughts? No, it's not happening. You're not. You are choking, MCAT DAT. You're going to the Caribbean. It's a wrap. You choke, right? Too real? It's real. We've all been there. And I'm like, fuck, I can feel this turtle head coming out of my butt. I'm really nervous. I'm pooping my pants. I'm like, no. We're about to run it for a third time. Then I hear bob. And I know that voice. It's Jewish show. It's John. But he's walking through the tunnel where all the guests come. So he's just backlit. So I just see a giant shadow walking towards me. And I can hear his accomplishments in each step, just like, boom, I am Jon Stewart. Boom, 22 time, Emmy Award winning John Stewart. Boom. I redefine political satire in comedy. What have you done? I'm like, I don't know. Have you heard of Pizza Hut? Then he steps into the light. And he's shorter than I thought. And he has all this scruff on his face? And I look at him, and I'm like, dad? Like, he had Jewish nasby vibes. He shakes my hand. I could feel it. I felt like he had slapped me in a previous life. I was like, I know this hand. We're sitting there, he starts ripping. I start riffing. He starts doing earthing. The prompter guy's like, I don't know what the fuck you guys are doing. I'm like, I got this pumper guy. I had all memorized in my head. One shot. Mom's spaghetti 8 mile, and I stuck my landing, like a motherfucking Russian gymnast. I was like, thank you, sir. Thank you for the opportunity. And I talked to a little bit back in my budget. We're going home. I walked out the door, but then I hear a voice behind me. Hey man, where are you going? And it's John. I was like, oh. I live in LA. I got to go back to LA. Oh, well, I'll see you Monday, right? I was like, why? Well, you work here. So I'll see you later, right? I couldn't believe it, I said, to ask us these go. You gotta say what you gotta say. What I wanted to say was, Sean, this is one of the only things that I've gotten in my entire career. That my dad actually knows. So thank you. But what I said was, Sean, my dad? Knows you. Stream Hasan minhaj, homecoming king, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Jim Norton: A Joke about Conspiracy Theorists
"About it. And I'm like, well, normally, if I smile and she smiles back. That's the tell. You don't need to send in the police big investigation. I'll handle this. Hello. Hi. She's won. I was watching a documentary recently about a flat earthers. That was fascinating. I don't know if anybody saw this. There are people who believe the earth is flat. The documentary is called assholes. But I had to watch him. I'm like, I have to see if people really believe this. And not only do they believe it, they're adamant and they tell people they're like, you've been lied to your whole life. They're lying about the shape of the earth. And all I keep thinking is, why would anybody lie about the shape of the earth? Who wins? Like, when did this start? Years ago, someone's like, look, I know it's flat, you know it's flat, but if we can convince people. I'm dying to talk to a flat earther. There's so many questions like, all right, I'm trying to go with it. Maybe it is, if it's flat, what happens when you look underneath it? What do you see? Just a bunch of Australians and Chinese people hanging by their feet like bats. I mean, if it was flat the water would run off it and the horses would fall off, 'cause animals are stupid. But they have an answer for that. The flat earthers have an answer. They say the reason the water stays on and nothing falls off is because we are surrounded by a snow covered mountain range. And I was like, oh, all right, I was worried you were gonna sound stupid. That makes perfect sense that we live on a serving tray surrounded by mashed potatoes. But they're not hateable. I enjoyed I didn't dislike them at all because a lot of conspiracy theorists annoy me because they're denying someone else's pain. 9 11 conspiracy, newtown conspiracy, they're denying that somebody else has had a tragedy. These guys don't hurt anybody. No one is mad that they're talking about the earth, but they're not like, hey, the earth is flat, there's no one going shut the fuck up. I have been sold a globe in 6 months, shut up. Here's my problem with the whole theory and conspiracies in general. If it's true, do you understand how many people have to be in on the lie? Like flat earth is by far the biggest conspiracy ever conceived of because there's millions of people, not just the government, not just the NSA, not just the FBI, people you wouldn't think of that have to be involved. Both captains, every boat captain who's ever lived has to be sat down and this has to be explained to him. And I don't even mean just naval admirals. I mean every white trash carnival cruise captain. They have to sit him down and go look, you're gonna be sailing across the ocean. You're gonna see mountains. Just around, come back. Don't say anything. Cat, Jim Norton in the
A highlight from Michael Che: A Joke about Protests
"I really needed some shit too. I didn't know I really fucking wanted to be a part of it. I did not lose. That's embarrassing I gotta tell my grandkids about that shit. It's the greatest time to be alive as a black man. I didn't fucking get in on it. Matthew asks your grandfather, hey, what was it like to march and sell him? And he's like, well, actually there was a real nasty flu that summer. So. I stayed home because of germs. My grandfather's the pitch ass nigger, man. Fuck you cool. I had to watch all the looting and protesting on TV. It was dope too, man. I've never been prouder to be a black man. I'm serious, man, watching black people come together and tears shit up. That shit was a sight to see. I was proud. I was calling all my white friends, Colin, you know what it is. Hanging up on her. I was showing off, man. I was excited. I was so excited. I was so proud, up until January 6th. When they stormed that capital, and I saw how real niggas loot. That was incredible. Holy shit. Say what you will, but that was some good fucking Luton goddamn. Black people did okay, we were still in like, you know, from target. We got some Gucci belts. These motherfuckers tried to steal the constitution of the United States of America. I didn't know that she was up for grabs. I was watching this you want to take my book? Can we get another go? Let's get over go. It was like watching supermarket sweeping motherfuckers straight for the caveat. He's like, oh, this thing. Genius. All types of racist white groups. I've never heard of. I was watching that shows roll on the Proud Boys are coming to Proud Boys. Boogaloo niggas. Who the fuck are the fucking names? Party's motherfuckers dressed like Vikings. We're having a sheets. I thought they were sheets. You're too good for sheets now, you're biking? I was embarrassed dude. I was like, fuck that. I gotta stop. I gotta start protesting. We're not as far ahead as I thought. I went to I went to a Black Lives Matter rally right after that to support, but I must have gone too late. It was all white women. Oh, it's good. You ever end up at a white's only Black Lives Matter rally, that's just confusing. You gotta prepare people for that shit. They had signs. Stop racism. I was like, who are you talking to? Each other? Call your fucking dad. That shit was crazy. I saw a white lady there with a sign that said, fuck the police. I wanted to rob out on principle. Just to see how committed she was. Fuck the public. It wasn't all bad. We got some good shit. Black people got some shit out of them protests. We got some good shit what we get. We got to answer my fire. I'll take it whatever. I don't know how to hide that was when a docket, but sure. It's about time, I guess. Some liberated pancakes. What else we can? We got Juneteenth. Oh, yeah. That fucking holiday we didn't definitely just find out about two years ago. You know, Juneteenth, the thing we definitely didn't just see one TikTok video about, and now we want it. We need a new fucking negotiator black people. This is frustrating like watching the Knicks in the off season. Like Juneteenth, who wanted that shit, I thought it was getting Durant. What the fuck is Kyrie? And I like Juneteenth. It's just, you know, it's just not as fun now that white people get to celebrate it too. It's your fault. You shouldn't get the day off. It's like celebrating the day you stop hitting your wife. Watch Michael Che, shame the devil, only on Netflix.
A highlight from A Fond Memory: Chris Fleming Disobeys Bridger
"I was like, what are you doing? I feel like comparing comparing someone to an animal or a bug or an insect is a good entry point to telling them you're not their type. Where is it to start with them as a human and you say you're not there? Really is a harsh way to go about it. Suddenly you're thinking of yourself as a butterfly. Okay, I'm not your type of butterfly. Did you receive any mental health help from this woman? She just hitting on you and comparing you to insects. Do you think that that? Okay, yeah. I've been tossing around. So you think she was just nagging me? Yeah, of course. That's a long thing. Is that us? Yeah. That makes so much sense. That's going to make me sleep easier because my take was she just I thought she was just just stomping me in the mud. Did I get into that? I was open to mental health. Suggestions from her. I don't know if anything worked. She was one of those people. She was more of a mystic, I think than okay. And so it was kind of more like, she's one of those people that, if you ever asked them about being a witch, they don't answer directly. But they don't react strongly either. Certainly. Yeah. The Witcher's answer should never be a hard yes or no. I mean, you're essentially a witch. I don't know about that. But you're living in the business. I just happen. I just did it. So it was so subtle. I didn't even know. That's what we, that's what we were taught at which you. Yeah, you just got wished. That's your prank show. You know her. Yeah, I think the form of many different Woodland signatures. Have you done have you been able to do any type of traveling over the last few months? Or is it have you been planted here in Los Angeles? I have been behind the wheel of a car a lot of I've been kind of locomoting around a lot like that. Yeah, have you? You know, I've gone drive certainly. But I need to do that. I need to do that many hours a day. There are some things that I need to drive for two hours, which I know is not the best in terms of leading a carbon footprint. I'm driving two Hummer stretch homers. Water. Yeah, yeah. One leg through each moonroof. Being towed by a semi truck. And there's a pre prom in each one of mean teens from Laguna Beach. This is a Mad Max prom. And they're all fucked up on virgin pina coladas in the back. They're placebo messed. This is just for you to go pick up a plant at the nursery. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that feels pretty good. Yeah. Are you moving around a little bit? Are you in a saucer of something? I just realized that. I got a new office chair, which doesn't squeak, but it's also a twisty office chair. So my legs are crossed. And so I'm twirling. I'm essentially twirling throughout this podcast. I've seen you up here. Yeah, the line of your movement has been impossible. Squatting in roller skates. Rolling around the room. You got your high up in the corner by the fire alarm for a second. And then you were then you were behind that door. I didn't want to call it out because I know it's not a virtual visual format, but I'm just buzzing around the room like a wasp. Where's the last time you got stung? I actually got stung last year. And for the first time as an adult, for years leading up to this, I was always I got stung as a kid, and of course, it makes you cry. And it's just this horrifying experience. You don't get stung for a long time and you forget, you're just like, did that hurt? What is that experience? And so I was actually curious. This hornet did meet the favor. It stung me right in the palm, and it, of course, hurt. I mean, it wasn't like devastating. It hurts. It's a creature defending itself with what it thinks is deadly force. Have you been stung? Was that the kind that does it? The ones that do it and then die, that's when it's flattering. Of course, you were willing to give up existing to try to harm me? To harm me slightly. Yeah. I guess I think the high or something? Well, I think there's some that are just absolute dicks. I think that's why I think that's lost in hornets. No, I haven't. I haven't been stung in a while, but I was speaking with someone who did and so I've been I've had it on my mind. Because I guess there's a difference between when you get it as a teen versus like you kind of find out every ten years, whether or not you're allergic. This could have been really traumatic for me. Unfortunately, I don't know. I discovered my reason. I'm still bulletproof. Yeah, yeah, so you're fine. You've got to end the palm. That's kind of profound. It is. You got to write the pan's labyrinth. That's such a great word for palms. Right over my eyes. I was doing the pants labyrinth, and the bees were trying to uncover my eyes. Do you ever do you ever I was just writing a scene in this thing where someone crashes what you just said remind me of this. Or someone crashes. I crashed my best but into an Italian restaurant three times in a row. And the third time each time I come out with raviolis on my eyes, I have to peel them. Barnacles. Yeah. Exactly. You were saying renaming palms. You rename parts of your body ever? I don't think I ever have. You get your classic, you're calling your feet your dogs, your paws, your border colleagues. Your board of college, your caucus. I can't be my best and chief. Do you have any other names for parts of your body? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My shoulders are my parent holders. That's so interesting. I was going to ask about your shoulders. And I wonder if that's because of this great shirt you're wearing, or maybe we're just on the same wavelength here. But your parent holders, that's great. Apparently, there are a lot of native parrots to Los Angeles. There's a theory. There's this old wives tale that gets passed around. I used to live in south Pasadena. And they said that a pet store either was robbed or burned down in the 30s and all these parrots escaped and then repopulated the town. And every morning, they scream at your window at 5 a.m. and just cause absolute absolute rainforest. I hope that's kind of like the fun kind of whimsical version of the alligator in the sewer story. Right, right. It's kind of fucked up logic, though, because then wouldn't there be like goldfish and puddles everywhere you went? Right. Adorable puppies everywhere we go. Gerbils and the mailboxes. Where do gerbils naturally exist? Is there a go? They come into existence. That's where I mean, from the cost of raspberries. Yeah. You could get blueberries today or a gerbil. It's like 3.99. Do we want driscolls or the gerb? Have you got a good germ? Have you ever owned a gerbil or a rodent? No, my mom is allergic to dogs, and I was a real am a real dog head. And so I researched all these breeds that were hypoallergenic. I spent my entire I was like, I had beakers and everything and I was doing all these experiments. So I was like, ten, just like going through New Guinea singing dog, all these dangerous animals. But the one that we arrived at was a hedgehog that didn't cause her any hour. So which actually isn't a rodent, right? It's like some other marsupial. Is that right? Yeah, do they have a pouch? I don't know. You might have there are a lot of things that I have a pouch that probably don't probably shouldn't have a pouch. I feel like a pouch on a marsupial, they're dragging that along the ground. It doesn't feel really evolutionarily correct to me. But I'm pretty sure you think that's some animals have pouches that don't deserve them. Is
A highlight from Jo Koy: A Joke about Ladies Getting Free Drinks
"This guy's getting mad at girls when they go out with her girlfriends and she's like, stop, stop being insecure. If she goes out with her friend, she goes out with her friends. And the guys always get mad. Yeah, but every time she goes out, guys, buy her drinks, and then she fucking takes them. No shit. They're free asshole. Would you take a goddamn drink for free? If a girl walked up to you, hey, I like to buy you a drink. You'd be like, what the fuck? Do you buy my Friends? And if a guy is buying your chick at the club a drink, that means she's one of the hottest chicks in the fucking club. So you should be proud of that shit. And don't get mad at her for getting free drinks. That's her hustle. She's hot and she's getting free drinks from a dude at a club. You don't have to worry about it because she has your back. Every girl that has a man and she's at a club has their dudes back, swear to God. And you know what I'm talking about. She'll keep getting those drinks for free. She'll get them. She'll get them as many as she can. I'm gonna drink free all night. And then when that question comes, hey, do you have a boyfriend? Yeah, he's at home. His name's Johnny. He's black. Bye. Bye. Thank you. Because that's what women do. They get your back and you know what I'm talking about. Every guy's bought drinks for a girl that had a guy and you know it. They drop it on you in the last second, 'cause that's what we're gonna do. So don't get managed to grow when she goes out with these guys. Let them go. Let them have as many drinks as they want. Let them fuck you get tore the fuck up as many drinks. Let her get them as many drinks. I think you all fucking night. She's gonna get fucked up. And then she's gonna come home, drunk, and then she's gonna wanna suck your dick. On his tab. What? Just blow job is free? Stop eating and secure and let him go. In fact, when you're a girl goes out, you go out. Don't stay at home, go get fucked up too. That's the best sex you'll ever have. You both ignore each other all night. You both get fucked up with your own friends, and then you both come home drunk as shit. That's the funniest shit. And the guy's always the first one home. Then. Nobody's home. Then all of a sudden she walks through the door. Drunk is shit. I mean me. She's limping 'cause she has one heel on. I mean. I've been. Why didn't you why didn't you text me all night? I don't know my phone was. It's a fucking square right here. That turns her on. Your phone is right there. It's too big. Your phone's right there is stupid. I'm gonna infect the shit out of you. They're drunk and horny. I'm gonna affect this shit out of you. I mean, in fact, to share, and then he's like, fuck this shit out of you. I don't like to see I over fuck the shit out of you. Then you guys walk towards each other about the fucking each other. But it's not even cute. It just looks like two zombies about the fuck each other. I'm gonna fuck this shit on you. I'm gonna talk to you. Yeah. Probably book that stood up. I have a book. Stream Jo koy, live from Seattle, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Throwback Episode! Comedian Brad Williams
"Yes, one revolution, the revolution continues. It does. Thank you Eli Braden for that. Yes. By the way, I saw that Eli brayden was the closing theme song. I didn't Joe McHale for the German camp. Yeah, Joel McHale. I just watched a bunch of them. Did we talk about this? No. Did I did we? Do you remember anything? I must only remember things when I talk about it. I think it was because I was I said it. Yeah, I tune out. I'm trying to the next thing. Fair enough. To save you. Yeah, fair enough. Well, welcome back to our podcast, which we're going to have a bunch schedule. I know we are sporadic. Yeah, I've got us a bunch of great guys, have you? No, that's right. I have to bring one guest to I have some really good people. I'm sure. His name rhymes with beven bilberg. And he will be coming. Yeah. I can't wait but speaking of great guests. Would you like to next week? They're coming up for now we have somebody but pretty good. Yeah. I would say we have one of my very favorite stand up comedians actor. You've seen him in little Nicky on Netflix? The little evil. Which one was that? Lil Nicky was the same movie where he talked like he had a mental disability, not that one, the other one. The other one, a little evil, I apologize, 'cause I never even saw a little Nicky. I didn't see what I'm making either. I think when I saw the commercial for it, I was like, pass. Tell me more about tell me more about this favorite comedian. So this favorite comedian of mine, his name is Brad Williams. Oh, there he is. Audiences that are crazy. How did you book him? And the answer is you go to his party, you get him really drunk and then you say, hey, I'm doing a podcast tomorrow. You want to come, and he might drunk and Steve braver. Yeah. And then he and then yell at my wife across the party and go, hey. Are we doing anything tomorrow? Were you a podcast? Were you at the house warring board? Yes. I didn't know that. My book, our guess. You drink with them. I drink with them, I get them hammered and then I trick them into college. I used to wake up with numbers in my phone that I didn't recognize. Now I wake up with plans to do people's podcasts. But I did like that you were actually like, yeah, I'll do it, but you were gonna have to text me later, 'cause I'm not gonna remember. Oh, I called it out where I was aware of my mental state, which I appreciate it. Because I definitely had a situation where I've received a text at like four o'clock going, hey, where are you? We wanted to start the podcast at three 30, and I'm like, oh, I agreed to do something today. I thought you said it was at this Starbucks. You weren't doing it in my living room. No. I've been sitting here waiting on you, where have you been? Sick. Just so there's no confusion. So you were not in the Adam Sandler movie. No. Although if he wants to put me in one, I'm cool with it. I have a perfect Adam Sandler movie. I should pitch him. Okay. I only have, but it's basically it's Adam Sandler playing identical twins, but one gets really fat, and it's called bud is thicker than Walter. And I think I could just sell that in the room. I think you just pitched that like man. Pretty much you just reenacted one of my favorite scenes some South Park, which players are Cartman is the asimo robot. That only has one function and that's writing Adam Sandler movies. That's exactly right. And he just keeps pitching these things. And the thing about Adam Sandler movie is you hear it and you go, yeah? Yeah. He'll make that work. Yeah, and when you when I saw funny people, some of the fake Adam Sandler movies were like, oh, you could totally make this. When I watch funny videos, this is not even parity. This is like this is like the Adam Sandler movies where it's like, well, I was making love. Yeah, so I couldn't do the mermaid movie. That's what I'm excited to be here though. I'm gonna kiss up to you guys. You guys are two of my favorite writers. When I met you, I remember. You said you wrote on Modern Family. And I told you my favorite Modern Family joke, which you wrote. Which one was it? It was the follow the flag. Oh, the birthday flag. Yeah. What did you call me? Yeah. That's my favorite Modern Family. Remember this. And honestly, I was it's like, honestly, as much as I hate Donald Trump. Sure. If he told me that was his favorite Modern Family joke, I would join his cabin.
Have You Been Crying?
"When i get really intimidated by someone's confidence. I have this little thing i'll do is like when they're talking to me. I'll just interrupt them and be like have you been crying. Really works no matter where their had is at. It really brings them right back down to earth. I feel like when girls are super confident. Like walking around with confidence most of the time. It's because they think they're hot. You know like i'm hot. This is my world. And i don't relate to that because that's just never been my full identity like when i was a kid for example girls that i'm talking about. They were princesses for halloween every year. They were like a princess pocahontas marine. You know like. I realized the other day that one year as a child for halloween i was an old man. I had like some stringy ray. Here my dad's old shoes. Everyone's like you're weird. I was a tarantula on your okay. Just painting the scene okay and then me and these girls we just go off in different directions. Our whole lives like out into orbit. And then when your lives intersect later it's it can be very strange because super hot girls don't understand regular girls lives so they'll give you very shitty dating advice for example like they'll be like okay. He's playing you hot and cold okay. Okay chelsea they knew it you can do. Just ignore him. Just ignore him for a little bit. Trust me okay. Just thinking are hem chelsea. Throw a little bit like all right well. I haven't heard from him in five months. Thanks for the hot ugly. I hate when female. Comedians really ugly garbage. I'm just saying that like when. I get super dolled up like the best i can hope for. Is someone like maybe. She's a
My Son and I Are Failing Math
"Thirteen and it just keeps getting harder and harder so hard. My son is in seventh grade. I want all you new parents to know this right now when you were in the seventh grade and you weren't smart you're definitely not going to be smart when your kid gets to the grain. Is harder my son. And i are failing math now gonna see minus that see in in private school. That's not good. That's failing so. Of course she brings me in for a parent teacher meeting five at school. That's what they do. These sits you down because they're concerned. Mr cooley mister. Clean pleads down on i don't want to nip this in the bud to twenty. You know mr coy that your son has this theme arniston math. I'll that's not good. What are we gonna do is solve that mr koi. Will you need to help me help him. I can do whatever. I can over here at school. But when he gets home you need to crack. Open that book and start working on the question. Bring that great back couplets to the team. That's two quite. And i was like you know. I'm a comedian and i hired you to teach my son. Oh
Fancy Some Anxiety Without Action?
"Just bringing awareness by saying the names of things with ice sort of the whole awareness trump though you when they sometimes people what they want and they go go awareness and i'm like but awareness without at least. Yeah no no no. Yeah thinking about that if they can do. Gosh i mean the oceans on thia. No look at the pictures and be aware to be aware of things. Help with i really do. I'm not wrong about that. It causes depression. The yeah yeah. I good anxiety without
Downward Facing Log
"Week's guided meditation for the constantly constipated the digestive warriors struggling for regularity and release the gluten go-getters. The defiant lactose intolerant. The horse lynn princesses. It doesn't matter that you're filled to the brim with undigested food. You still reach for that. Grew yay cheese. Canape and glass of temper neo. And that's what. I love about you girly if you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed by the state of your colon. This one's for you. If you find yourself cradling your belly like your the fucking octo mom but instead of eight babies your pregnant with a penny. Ar abbiati this one's for you if you're five laxative. Sti writhing in pain over your toto toilet rain. Too sweet baby. Hey seuss for even a micro bowel movement. This one's for you. I'd like for you now. Throw yourself on the bathroom floor. Preferrably close to a toilet schussed in case the syrupy smooth textures of my voice act has a natural auditory stool softener.
I’m What They Call Subjectively Hot
"That. i think i'm ugly. I think i'm pretty cute but in accessible way like when you see a shower curtain at target and you're like i could afford that. That is coming home with me. I got a gift card. Hey i'm what they call subjectively hot not everybody's cup of tea but some slurp from this hosts note saying we are fine with the right lighting and bible verse on e. harmony. Please who are good. We are fine. But i've never been like a hot chick and i have a lot of resentment towards women who have always been hot their whole lives. They get too much handed to them. Like i watch horror movies. Because they're the only place. Hot chicks treated poorly run for your life. Jenny should invited assault of the pool party. Name's not jason. It's carmo run as not even her fault. It's my own insecurity. Because i was not cube growing up as a fact which is so much harder than being fat adult. Because you don't have a car to eat in you. Just gotta do it in the road. Now you to work for it. I was an old soul. Which is what adults call you when they don't want to say loser in front of your parents what that means if you don't know if you were a loser in middle school let me help you out. You can tell if you were based on how you react to one key phrase. That phrase is all right for this next exercise we're going to partner up. Ooh couple people felt it. Does your heart skip a beat. Your stomach titan. Maybe a little bit. You were a loser. I'm sorry you had to build your volcano alone.
A highlight from K. Trevor Wilson: A Joke about Dog Parents
"Unless it is a business for dogs. Don't bring your dog. See, I grew up in the 80s. The strangely enough back then, we had this thing called common sense. If we were going someplace, we left the fucking dog at home. We just knew. You don't bring your dog to the laundromat. That's where people are washing things. No one wants a fresh layer of pet hair all over their newly washed unmentionables. And if you need that explain to you, you're a fucking idiot. Here's some other places you don't bring your dog. The grocery store, the doctor's office, a flight. I can the list goes on. People have a tough time hearing this. I can sense in the room right now. Some people are very angry that I am telling them not to bring their dogs everywhere because they don't feel like this is their pet. They feel like this is a part of their family. They're not a pet owner. They're a pet parent. If you have ever referred to yourself as a pet parent, I want you to find a dark corner, and I want you to punch yourself in the genitals.
A highlight from Episode 286 (I Smell It Too, Baby) w/ Matt Weir
"Take three stories from the news, write three jokes about each story and decide who has written the funniest jokes. My name is Jeremy Martinez. My name is Ricardo Leon. Still the wrong fucking camera. God damn it. I am bob Timmons. I'm Carly castner. And I'm Aaron. Oh, my bad bro I forgot about you. Actually feel like Matt did the correct thing, which is forget about Aaron Kraft. No, no. Aaron Kraft our resident judge. Me, yeah. All right, enough Aaron, we have a guest. Joining us by the zoom like an idiot. Our guest. Also, Erin is here, guys. He's not always two places. We're not going to get to our guests because we can't stop talking about Aaron. I think we're not going to be turning around to look at Erin. I think I want to look at the evidence right there. Then why have him on screen? So you're not looking at him there. I'm there. Apologies to our guest Matt weir. Oh, no worries. Very funny comedian. Yeah, and I'm looking right at you, Matt. Matt, listeners, we're sorry, we're really focused on the visuals today. Well, that's why the listeners have to check out our Patreon page. Our guest Matt weir. Please tell the people a little bit about yourself. So yeah, I do comedy around the Phoenix area at various open mics, dive bars, coffee bars, you know, just venues like that, big, exciting venues like that. So you don't do the birthdays, bar mitzvahs, you dive bars. No, that's for what I'm in my 40s and my addictions have really taken hold for a little can't wait. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. I'll find a way. When you're addicted to kids birthday parties. That's another issue. It's my only vice pedophilia. It's my only vice. But that's it. I thought it was for free cake, but. I don't trust the man without advice. That's true. From one pedophile to another. It's a great way we could bridge the gap between pedophiles here on one second jokes. If we have one mission on this show. The pedophile community. Matt, sorry about that. Sorry about all that community and then Matt. Speaking of which, man, Matt are you excited to do the show? You haven't understanding of how this all works, right? Any trouble right in the jokes. I mean, I was writing them as you guys were figuring everything out. And I was writing them at my house, so now I think I'm good. I think I'm good to go. Should I just told the teacher I did my homework right in front of before class. Well, I'm anxious to hear what these jokes are in round one. Should we get into it? Let's get into it. Oh. Yeah, let's hit round one. Here we go. Carly your TED Talk is gonna suck. Shit. My TED Talk is actually gonna be about how to save it for many questions. PowerPoint presentation. Oh, I will, that's good. What would you give a TED Talk on? Think about that. It's Ricky, so you actually have an answer this time. All right, round one. Alleged pizza roll pooper apprehended after Oklahoma grocery store incident. Shirley Wright Johnson had a crappy shopping experience literally right Johnson said she was picking up some items a grocery at a grocery store in more Oklahoma, with her two daughters when she reached for a bag of frozen pizza rolls. She quickly discovered that something else was in her hand. Human excrement. I pick up a pace of roles and there's literally human shit. Does she call him Pitts and rolls? Pizza rolls. This is a completely new accent. No one's ever heard. It's a bit. It's a character I'm doing. Cave like new. She said this in a TV interview. It's literally human shit. Excuse my language. She said that. She says, excuse my language. She said, shite. Apparently, did you just take a fucking photo with me? The flash was on. That's not the issue. There's no flash photography. Apparently when a show always has to tell the cast, please no flash photography during the performance. It looks like you're about to take a picture too. This is a false video. You reminded me because you were like holding your phone up weird. Let's get back to the listeners. Check out the Patreon. All right, should I complete the story or what the fuck is happening? Go ahead, keep making fun of this woman. My language. Yeah, we're trying to run a professional show here. Hurry. Apparently someone defecated inside a supermarket freezer. I don't even know how this possible. Onto a bag of totino's pizza rolls. That covered the mess with another package of the treats. I grabbed the bag, I fell something smooshy on the bag, so I turned it over and there was. Right, Johnson said, how was upset? I was just gonna sit. I'm feeling violated. I like the lyrical quality of her accent. Listen to this lady talk all day. She does. She's not this one though. No, as soon as they get her to restore, we have grocery store lady back, please. What? I don't know what you're talking about. It's been me the whole time. The ride home was miserable. She said, even though she quickly scrubbed off her hands all the way home, my kids were still like, mom. I can smell it. I just smell it. I want us to baby. She was excited. Yeah, baby. More police using surveillance video from the scene of the crime, this actually, this article says, you know, the grime. Because this whole area is a good one. They flushed out advantage identified as a person of interest. He was booked into the Cleveland county detention center on unrelated charges while the poop probe continues. The man was also reported taking pictures of women in the grocery store. He takes a woman doing this now. Yeah, pictures of women during the show. Wait, what's that? Nobody else. Buying groceries here. So it's totally okay. I smell the too baby. Too bad. I'm an episode title, I think. All right, so Matt, as our guest adoption of going first or last in this round. Oh, I'm gonna go last. Okay. I'm going last. Jeremy, you want to go first? Quite the gorilla marketing campaign for a new totino's extra stuffed pizza rolls. Oh, nice. I don't think I'm gonna like this round. I'll go. That's not the right story. Look, they aren't great, but a little ranch in their find. French does make shit tastes better. It tastes better. I put that on every shit.
A highlight from 281. Food Glorious Food with Jen Brister and special guest Katy Wix
"And finally we released a few days ago, a podcast version of a live stream we did with Sarah mardini and Shawn binder, who were two search and rescue volunteers who are facing trial this week for trumped up charges of trafficking in Greece, their humanitarians, we need to support them. We need to tweet the Greek prime minister and tell him we will not stand for it. Please go to free humanitarians dot org, all of the information about how you can support Sarah and Sean and the others who are up on these ridiculous charges will be their plus you can donate to help their campaign. This is really, really urgent and scary, so please help if you can in any way possible. And now the podcast. I'm a feminist but recently my friend asked me if I'd go on a gay cruise with him. And I absolutely it's absolutely my milieu being surrounded by hundreds of gay men adoring me, of course, and he said you could do comedy on the cruise. And I said, you know how much I love gay men, you know how much I love. I've surrounded myself. I love. I love, I love. I love a love. But I will not go on a cruise with you because birds of a feather are cunts. Now that's funnier than you gave a credit for, but some of you are uncomfortable laughing at the word counts. That's not my fault. Can't this is a beautiful part of the body. Say Dix, it's absolutely fine. So I'm going to go again. And I want you to laugh as if you're not sitting next to your mom, okay? Because your mom's not here unless she is in which case I was anyone's mom here. Actually, your mom is here. Your mom is actually here. You've been on the podcast before, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I wish I could do this in my stand up. Sorry, could you just stop? Because that joke I just told you was fucking brilliant. Yeah. Go back, here we go. Laughter. Do you remember those teenagers that were from Wales who were on the podcast talking about up skirting at school and trying to be feminist as young teenagers? Yeah, one of them's here, Amelia. Yeah, hi. I'm Bailey. It's the only one with permission not to laugh harshly at this joke. She's actually sitting next to her mom, and she's 13. The rest of you know absolutely no reason not to laugh. Except discomfort that really is in the audience. I see that now. I see that now. She's had a lot worse for the school ground. Did you not hear the episode? No, I won't make you doing it. It is true, though, for me, I just don't like big groups of the same sort of people exacerbated each other's worst traits. That's what I'm saying. I can agree with that. If I have two gigs, I am a lesbian. I love the lesbian. Do I want a room full of lesbians in the audience? No, I don't. Because it's very hard to make a room full of lesbians laugh. 5 or 6 sure, 20 of them they're like no. Why, why, why? Surely your jokes are all bespoke for them. Well, you would think. I have had an I have come off stage thinking well, I have died an absolute horrific death. And then a lesbian will have come up to me at the end of the show and I'm like, we'll tell you face love because I can't. Wow, that's what I'm referring to but for the ages, tell your face love. Wow, I'm a feminist but. That's my first one. There we go. Okay. You got retrospect look back into when I'm a femmes, but I can't retrospectively save it. My first one. You were just second ago, telling them to laugh at a joke. Fine. Fine. Tired. All I'm saying, all I'm saying is a gay crew is wonderful except I know it's going to everyone's going to exacerbate your child's worst qualities and I don't want to be anywhere with a punishment for leaving is drowning. That's still unreasonable. There's no reason like that. She's very reasonable. If I get a pride and it gets all a bit out of hand, I just can jump on the tube home. Do you see my point? Do you see my point? Not on a cruise, my friend, not on a cruise. If you want a ten night cruise, you are on a ten fucking night cruise. Gets a bit too. I don't care who it is. I don't care. Big groups of anybody. It could be China naturals. Oh, whooping groups of heterosexuals are clearly awful. Have you had a dinner party with a big group who had sexuals? No. Awful. They all talk about their accountants and their extensions on their conservatories and things like that, don't they? Because big groups of lesbians have done this exactly the same thing. We should probably stop stereotyping people. All right, I'm a feminist, but recently, when Netflix broadcast a transphobic, Dave Chappelle, comedy special, my good friend Hannah gadsby I wrote this on Instagram. Hey Ted sarandos, who I see him runs Netflix. I mean, I didn't know until she said it. Just a quick note, she probably knows him because she does special still all the time. Just a quick note to let you know that I would prefer if you didn't drag my name into your mess. This is because he released a statement going oh, but we've also platformed Hannah gadsby. So it's their end. For balance, you know, and to name some other people. Now I have to deal with even more of the hate and anger that Dave Chappelle's fans like to unleash on me every time Dave gets $20 million to process his emotionally stunted partial worldview. She put this on Instagram. You didn't pay me nearly enough to deal with the real world consequences of the hate speech dog whistling you refuse to acknowledge Ted. She's named him again. Fuck you and your a moral algorithm cult. I do shit with more backbone than you. That's just a joke. I definitely didn't cross a line because you just told the world there isn't one. And I read that and thought I would have done something similar if I'd had a Netflix special except mine would have been a bit more like Netflix have been very good to me.
A highlight from David A. Arnold: A Joke about Getting Older
"It takes time to get comfortable in your skin. That's what it is. You know, I'm 50. I'm so comfortable in my skin right now. Here's how long. A little while. Okay, I'm a petty individual. Shit that shouldn't bother me, destroys my soul. You understand me? You know what I mean? Like, you ever be so petty that you only want to say it out loud? 'cause you know it's benched. Right? You're like, this is petty. I'm not gonna say that. I say it. I don't give a fuck. I got somebody has to know. Let me tell you, my cousin came to stay with me. I was living. I live in LA. My cousin came to stay where he was moved from North Carolina to LA. They caught a furniture was on the truck behind about three days. They said we need three days. I said I got you. A day and a half in. I went taking a moment. I need you to get your shit and go. We understand. It ain't for a reason you put people out. They didn't like they was running up bills and they went chipping in on food. That ain't a problem. This was a problem. The problem was, the nigga was using too much ice. That was the problem. It was too much. I'm ice man. I bought a brand new standard art refrigerator to make sure I get a fresh glass ice every time I go to get some to drink. But I notice. That ever since him and his girl have been walking around this house, the ice in here being real scares. That's all I'm saying. You ever go to your refrigerator, expecting you to get that hand, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Two cues on ice. Chris walk out with two fresh tumblers full of ice. And I'm like, nigga, you gotta go. I told my wife, I said, Julie, christening gotta go. She said, what is wrong with you? I said to you using too much ice. She said, are you crazy? She's gonna put your family out because of the ISIS ain't just the ice usage. He disrespected my ice functions as well. I'm a cute nice man. He obviously is a crushed ice guy. But it seemed like to me after you get your crushed ice, you put the function back on cue dice as not fuck off the only two cubes you obviously think I deserve. You ever seen with two kids of crushed ice look like? The shitty evaporate for you feel your glass side. Get some shit. You gotta go. No, no, they leave my eyes here, but I need you to go. Okay. That's why I am, and I'm fine with it. So don't bother other people don't bother me. My grandmother died. Everybody was upset that I wouldn't have said that grandma was dead. And it was like, she was your favorite. How could you not? What did God say? I said grandma was 92. It's over. Let me tell you something. When my grandmother died, just how I knew it was okay to let grandma go. Last time I saw grandma live, she was pissed off she was still alive. And the nicest one I think, grandma, what you doing? Nothing. Just sitting here, David? I said, why don't you turn on the TV? I've seen all the shows. I don't want to see the whole show. I gotta get the fuck outta here. I said, you know what, number two, I don't want nothing to eat. I don't want to see no shows. I gotta go. I said, yeah, damn. She has had enough. So when she died, I knew my grandfather had been dead 20 years. He was waiting on he'd been waiting to hear for years if it's where you at. I've been laying here for 20 years. Are you? They finally got the chance to be together. You know what I'm saying? I'm not people Nick. Oh, God, uncle Joe. Uncle Joe died, 106. Whoo. That's what you say at the funeral of somebody that's a 106. You whoo, damn, wow. My dramatic ass aunt, he went too soon. How's that with a fuck saying that? Too soon this thing should have been there 30 years ago. I should have never met uncle Joe. You ever say who should have just missed each other? That's all I'm saying. He went too soon. They said, they say that a natural causes. I say he killed herself. Did you figure out a decision? The lower forgot me, huh? Guess how about to do it myself? Oh, good Joe. He jumped to his death, too. 106 ain't gotta jump on the window. Let's make a jumper off the bed. That was it. You said it to a cloud of dust in the literal. How backing them up? Which is. I love how y'all laughing at old people died and slowed in the dust. But I'm frozen with the problem. I need my credit. That's what I'm at that age of my life. I leave my credit. I didn't even credit for everything. You know how people would be like, you ever hear somebody say, I did it because it's the right thing to do. You ever hear that? I don't give a fuck about the right thing to do. I do so 'cause I need you to know I did it. You know what I'm saying? Like if I feed a house full of homeless children on Thanksgiving, when they say the grace, I'm gonna be standing at the table. Looking at them going little niggas, it was me, you know what I'm saying? I need you to know. You know what I'm saying? That's what everything, not just at work. In my personal life, church, when I tied, I don't use no envelope. I don't want no envelope. I need everybody in my room to see what I'm giving. You know what I'm saying? Me and my wife, we had church the other year, right? I'm sitting down to play. Now your business. Now you're busy. Jesus know my heart. You know what I'm saying? I was at church. That's the point. The play came. My wife was like, David, you want to envelope? I said, I don't want to know envelope Julie, I want them to see this hundred. I'm about to put on their ass. I put the hundred in the plate to plate move when the plate moved a hundred blew out. You know, the next to me picked up the hundred, put the hundred back into play. At that moment, I see the pastor, see her, put the hundred in the plate. Look at her gave her a knot like thank you very much. I went, oh, hey, oh no, this can't happen. I need my credit. Are you out of your mind? Soon as the surface is over. I feel like it's back when I was like, where are you going? I said I'm going to talk to the man, Julie. She said, David, don't embarrass a woman let it happen. You understand? I went into the back, I said, excuse me, your honor, can I talk to you? I notice that you know this. Since the bad way, put a hundred in the plate. And he said, well, that was a very generous offer. I say yeah, but I don't want to be petty. But I'm the one that gave the hundred. You understand? And he said, we want me to do David. I'm just saying. You talk to God. Let him know I'm the one that gave the hundred. Because I'm about to do some foul shit tonight. I made a $100 worth of forgiveness. It's all the same. Watch David a Arnold fat ballerina. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from #Blessed
"Shoes. That's where rothy's comes in. The number one word rothy's customers use to describe their shoes is comfortable. Let me tell you something. I am a fashion icon and legend. And there is nothing cooler than a beautiful white sneaker. It goes with leather pants. It goes with dresses. It goes with everything. And we want to keep our white sneakers white. That's why I love rothy so much because they're machine washable so you can keep them sparkling clean and perfect throughout the fall, winter, any type of weather, terrain, travel, et cetera. The classic white sneaker run don't walk. Plus, nothing says fall like soft plush merino wool for the third year in a row, Roth uses launching an exclusive autumn collection featuring washable, Marino wool styles. They're so comfortable. They're a 100% machine washable. They come in a variety of colors, patterns, and styles. Like I said, I die for the sneakers. If you are, you know, hitting the town, dancing, walking to work, going to a festival, whatever. Rothy's baby. And any men listening, hot tip, rothy's shoes aren't just for women anymore. They also have a beautiful selection of men's footwear. If you're looking for driving loafers, sneakers, whatever. They're offering the same level of craftsmanship, durable, washable and better for the planet, okay? Plus, they're rigorously tested for a perfect fit, wash after wash. To help you welcome fall season and style, rothy's is doing something special. That's right. They gave us the chance to share the super rare opportunity with our listeners for a limited time. Right now you're going to get $20 off your first purchase at rothy's dot com, Ford slash no soul. That's our OTH. YS dot com slash no soul had to Rafi's dot com no soul to find your new favorites today.
A highlight from Millennials Who Simp For Gen Z (w/ Dana Donnelly)
"Welcome back to another episode of Asian nut Asian podcast, a podcast for two agent guys, not from Asia, talk about American issues. Don't break and cares about I'm your host, funny, I'm a and I'm like Gwen. Today is Saturday 13th. We hope this podcast finds you with a lot of money. I don't know. I don't know what you've been up to, but there you go. That's good. That's good. The Chinese thing to say. Is it a lot of money? Yeah. Not even close. Okay, yeah. Yes, it's in February. I'm an idiot. Today we're coming at you live from Los Angeles. We're all based on Los Angeles. Me, Mike and our guests. But we Los Angeles. Still do it on Zoom. So we still decided to do it in zoom because we didn't want to physically meet each other, which is such a 2021 time. Mike is visiting LA probably not even going to see you before you leave, which is hilarious. I swear to God, everybody's like, oh, you're going to go see fu me and I'm like, no. I legit, I'll be honest with you. It's not even because I don't like you or something. I talk to you all the time. Oh yeah. All the time. 100%. You know, why would we? I did a show off and talk about it later, but I saw I saw one of my Friends a dentist and he I see him once every other year. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't need to talk to me. Anyways, if you're checking if you're listening to us on Spotify, please hit subscribe so you can always be kept up to date with the latest episodes. If you're on iTunes, I'm sorry. I don't have iTunes anymore. If you're on the Apple podcast, app, please hit 5 stars, leave us a review we've been getting some nice reviews. We're trying to get to how many thousand? I'm gonna do this right now. Whoever is the thousandth review, Mike will get that tattooed on his thigh. That's all we're gonna do. We used to say it was the best one. It's no. That was the thousandth. Whatever is one that the south's review. Yeah, and then if you're on YouTube, if you're watching us on YouTube, you know what? Hit light hit subscribe. And also tell us where you know what, no, no. Tell us what happened to your childhood best friend. I want to know. What happened to him? What happened to what happened to him or her, you know? Did you guys did falling out? Maybe to join the military? We should do a whole episode about childhood best Friends. We should both bring on our childhood best friends and just be like, I've always wanted to know what happened. I said, I remember his name, Jason Labeouf. I remember his name. I love this kid. He was so nice. Oh man, I hope he's okay. I don't know. I feel if you're a white dude and you didn't grow up super rich, you're in bad shape right now. You know? Hope you're doing all right, Jason. Well, maybe he donated on Patreon, which is a great transition to what I'm about to do right now. We can before we start the show, we always give us an opportunity to do this Patreon. What does Patreon is the best way to support this podcast? We're a completely independent operation. So we need your money. So if you like what you've been hearing, please go to Patreon dot com slash Asian dot agent pod. And in exchange, we'll give you bonus episodes.
A highlight from Self Helpless with Lisa Lapanelli
"It's a treat and it is a treasure. Well, per usual I'm joined by my co host, he's the youth pastor for our high school ministry called climax. Please welcome grey has. Water into wine, feeling fine ally. Oh, I'm so glad to hear you're feeling fine. Well, actually I'm not feeling fine. I'm feeling a lot of distress, Howie. Oh no. There has been some issues in climax with my teens. In fact, it has been an outbreak. What? Yeah, of lesbians. What? We just swimming in lesbians right now, Hallie. Oh no. And I don't like to name names, but selwyn bigsby and Lana Del Rey and we're caught behind the snowplow storage shed doing some lesbian staff. Oh, what were they doing? Well, they were kissing. They were listening to kesha. You know, wearing Beck and stalks with socks. So I'm just freaking out a bit. I know it just makes me feel like I'm going to black out and be sick. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I know. So what'd you do? Well, Hallie, I did the only thing I could think of doing. Okay, is I created a tribunal? Oh, what's that? Well, myself and some of the other guys in climax we basically created kind of a council, a tribunal and made all these ladies come before us and testify if they, anyone they knew has ever done any of this lesso stuff. Oh, wow, how'd that go? Oh, it's a total nightmare, Halley out of the 200 teen ladies in climax, a 198 of them said, you know, they had done lazzo stuff and I'm saying leso not lizzo. Which is, I guess, also, the same thing. But yeah. It was like the great lesbian roundup, which sounds like a musical is something. Oh, really? Is it a musical? Apparently, I guess my lady friend Jen Hannah loves musicals, and she said that's one of the favorites. Anyway, yeah, I'm thinking they all just, you know, realized that if one of them was gonna be accused, then maybe it was just better if they all were lesbians because we're not gonna be able to punish them all. So I think they all just made it up. It's like the crucible is something in there, you know? Like, hey, well, I'll be witches. That'll be cool. My daughter was asking me about that recently. She said, mom, why were we all taught to be afraid of the women who were accused of being witches and not taught to be afraid of the people who just murdered them? Can you imagine 200 witches hanging around Halley? It's like 200 lesbians. It's like a little affair. Anyway, it's just everything. It went kind of from bad to worse because then they started making fun of the name tribunal because they were like, trib you know, tripping. That's what lesbians do. And I was like, what is that? I've never even heard of it. What's tripping? I guess it's how they like read each other's minds is something. Really? I guess. They can do that. I think so. Anyway, it's just, you know, cloudy with a 100% chance of kombucha. If you know what I mean, how we? But it's fine. I'm going away with my lady friend gym this week. So I'm just going to get as far away from the lesbian stuff as I can. What do you do? Oh, you know, I think we're going to go to a Brandi carlile concert. Awesome. Yeah. How was your week? What a week gray, I got interviewed by the police and I also had a clip of me on Fox 59 news. Kelly, congratulations. Huge. There have been a string of burglaries in my neighborhood. It happens every year in between Halloween and Christmas. They start coming after your stuff. Right. And so they're trying to crack down, figure out who's responsible for all these intrusions, break ins. And thefts, burglaries, robberies, and so I went out and I talked to the cops. And when I knew the news was come in gray, I said, I am not ashamed of the gospel and we are to proclaim the name of Jesus and I said love it. If you can like that. And if I'm gonna be on the news, guess what I'm bringing. The good news of the gospel. Good news to local news. So I kept saying that I was a Christian and so that, you know, people would understand that they could really trust my judgment. Good idea. And so when I talk to the cops, I told them, I know who did it. Right. And it's, well, we call him the Granger stranger. Okay. Because I live on grainger ass. Okay. And it's this guy who's always walking up and down, Granger avenue, and nobody knows who he is and he has long hair and he has a long beard. Well, how do you know that he did it? Well, because I'm a faith based person, and I believe that he did it and when you're a faith based person and you believe something you see evidence all around you. And so I was the evidence I said, look at the evidence. What is very, very clear. What evidence? He's the grain you're stranger. Nobody knows what he's up to. What he's doing, the more I believe that it's him as a faith based person, the more I see the cut and derive evidence that it was the Granger stranger. I said, you need to go talk to him. And then once the news came, and I got a clip on there, which is really cool. That he caught it on the DVR.
A highlight from Norm Macdonald: A Joke about Hitler's Dog
"Listen, this is all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I've said really is of substance. I find. That's just the me. I find like most of my act is just, you know, gossip and trickery. Like some cheap magician, you know? So I'll tell you the only thing I know for a fact and it's something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it's harder to act on it than it is. But the only really true thing is that we are must love each other. And it's very difficult, you know? It's very, very hard. Hey, what about this? A dog loves for you. You think it's hard to love people. A dog loves every like a dog. Like, my dog, right? I've never seen such a no judgment. Like my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up, I think he watches me sleeping. Because when I wake up, he's right there. And he's like, I love you. I love you. I love you. Jumps up. He's licking my face and he's like, I love you worry. You're the greatest. I got thanks, Taylor. You're cool. I love you. I love you more. Mary yesterday we strive to be a rubber bonus. Yeah, it's a joke. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, right? I was laughing. It's funny. Ah, you love me so much. And I love you. This is the greatest thing. I'm just gonna kiss you and kiss you and kiss you forever. I go, yes, you can do that. I just keep kissing you. And I go, okay, get the fuck away from me, all right? Leave me alone, would ya? I got a right shit into a magic phone and stuff. I got no time for this. Fucking dog Seth. Then my dad goes, you're right. I find it. You know, I love you, but I just push too hard. Push and I push and I push and I push you away. I'm no good. I'm no damn good. But what say, what say, I just stood here and stared at you. Completely quietly. Until finally you looked at me again. With some look of love and egg, jump up and love you again. Yeah, yes. That would be fine. Do that. They don't judge guys. We judge you know all our love comes with caveats, you know? There's no such thing as unconditional love with human beings, but dogs, they don't care. They love Kepler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I know a fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn't like him before. It was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning, you know, where's Hitler? You know? And Gary, or something? We go like, he's not here. He's doing some evil stuff. That explained to you. He spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can't see him that often. He goes, okay, I don't know. I'm not trying to listen, Gary. I love you. You know, I love mingle, I love everybody. All of you guys are the greatest. But it's just Hitler. It's the greatest man who's ever lived. This is why we ask that you don't use recording devices. Stream norm McDonald, Hitler's dog, gossip, and trickery, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Iliza Schlesinger: A Joke about Generations
"I worry for our country. Is anybody else really worried for our country? So I'm worried and by the way, I am very proud to be an American. And I love my country very much. And I want the best for it. There's no joke there, just a statement. I love being an American. What I'm scared for when I'm scared about aren't so much the nightmares clawing at our front and back doors both politically foreign domestic economic ecologically, whatever. What I'm scared about is the fact that my generation is supposed to be grown up in mature now. I represent the millennials, perhaps you've seen our Instagram pages. Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We're the worst. We did it. I will say this as the lorax of my generation. Mustache. We. Didn't ask to be spoiled. Our parents loved us and they gave us everything. That's the job of the generation prior to give the next generation a better world than they had. So I'm going to apologize to my grandkids for the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke that they're going to inherit from us. But that's what the people before you do. And I believe that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents. Our grandparents were called the greatest generation. And I believe that they were. They selflessly gave and they made this country the idea of America that a lot of us miss. White people. The rest of us was horrible for most of them. Okay, but in general. The main points of it, okay? Your grandparents had to fight. They had no choice. Grandpa had to fight in World War II. Grandpa was straight up drizz after, okay? He had no choice. And when he came home from the war, all he wanted to do was have a family have a job, be like a little racist and live the American Dream. That's it. He fought, he got right to work. It's not like guy say he'd be like, oh, I just want to backpack around Oregon and find myself. No. And they're allowed to say that because whether you like them or not, our military does such a good job of defending us on a day to today basis. And I know that TSA blows. But they do such a good job that you're allowed to mentally check out. Like if you don't like the war going on right now, unlike it on Facebook. You're allowed to do that. There was no concerted effort. You didn't have to fight. My point is there is no day we all gathered in our town squares and through our iPhones into the center so the military could use the scrap metal. What's this a droid? Take it back freak. We didn't have that. And I think it's difficult to conceive of a world where you have to sacrifice so much and to understand what our grandparents did because now they're old. And you look at them and when you think old, what do you think? Cute, right? Your grandparents are cute, because they're tiny, shrinking every year. Pick them up, put them down. They don't like it sprinkle water, get it off me. They don't like it. And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you've developed some weird pejorative kitten like nickname for your grandfather. Oh, it's not grandpa anymore. It's like, this is my nim Nam. This is my nippers. This is my pip pop. A pepper doesn't give a fuck. He's like, I was a prisoner of war for 6 years. Call me pip up. I've had worse. Oh my God, you guys, my hip hop is so cute. Oh my God, he's so cute. You guys, sometimes, at Christmas, when hip hop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with Christmas bows. Isn't that funny? Silly pippa. Pippa's got 53 confirmed kills. Don't think for a second pip hop, doesn't remember how to repurpose that Christmas boat around your neck to get the Intel that he needs out of you. Sit the fuck down Colton Caleb Ashton crashed and crandon whatever your fucking hipster name is. Sit down. Hip hop came home from the war and then they had our parents, our parents are called the baby boomers. They're called the baby boomers because hip hop came home from Normandy and he was like, I'm not dead, boom, Gladys, left. Fuck. And then. The baby boomers ask your parents were the first generation. They were allowed to be artists on a mass scale. You didn't have to work on your family business. You could go out. You could take drugs, rock and roll, you could do and be what you wanted to be out in the big city. And then the baby boomers had generation X and I don't care about them because I'm a millennial. We showed up, got a trophy for breathing, and then we invented Instagram. Watch Eliza schlesinger confirmed kills only on Netflix.
A highlight from REVIEWS SPECIAL
"I have many cookbooks and cookie magazines, and because I'm this person, I have a cookie cookbook database site to organize my recipes. And I have 8390 recipes in my on my shelf. And I looked it up today just for comparison. I have 470 all in recipes, 264 walnut recipes, 245 peanut recipes, a 107 pecan recipes, and only 84 pistachio recipes. They don't do shit. Pistachios are the muscles of nuts. But instead of a beard, like mussels have that you have to peel off, you have to cut your finger by getting out of the gum out of their stupid shells. Pistachios one star. Every week, our guest editors bring in something to review out of 5 stars. James colly, what have you brought us in today? This week I thought I would review having a mustache, which has been a new acquisition of mine and one I think it's particularly fun to announce in an audio format because as a listener, didn't just change your opinion slightly. It always jokes were coming through a mustache. You could hear the slight pop filter that was coming from over my leg. Yeah, it's nature's fuck filter. It was actually also part of the motivation behind getting a mustache because I thought these modern times what is the most upsetting thing I could reveal while taking off a mask? Would you take off a mask and reveal a mustache like the PH level in the room changes? Like everything is just a little bit different. It's like a drag queen taken off her wig and then there's a smaller wig underneath and you're like, yes, queen. In many ways, isn't a mustache really just the original mask you will underneath your nose. Exactly. It's why the Groucho Marx mask is the most famous mask. It is a mask that comes with a mustache attached. I thought the other race I really liked it is that you can't be shy when you have a mustache or someone is calling the federal police. They're kicking down the odor and they're searching your hard drive. You have to move forward. You have to be outgoing. It's a real pitting an intimate event myself. We can not be shy and hide it anymore. You're out here or else. So I've stayed so far. Mustache, four stars. Do you know what I would like if I had the ability to wear a mustache is the feeling of, you know, having a super 12 o'clock in a day, but then getting a gentle reminder of a four p.m. in the afternoon, you need that afternoon kick and you have that sweet Santa soup coming in to your mouth. You know, it's a flavor saver. It's a little, you know, it's a little bento box for food particles. Of course with the beyond blue initiative for men's depression. It's always really nice to see someone who cares about male mental health all year round. And it is actually a fun, particularly as it's very new to me. It's a fun surprise anytime I go to the bathroom and look at the mirror I'm like, oh, oh, wow. Yeah, okay, that's still on my head. I recommend four stars. Benjamin cartridge, what did you bring in to review? I'm reviewing the experience of capping a duckling in your hand, which is something that I did this weekend. I'm going to break it down into the classic pros and cons format. So pros first pro, it's relaxing because you can't focus on anything else apart from not accidentally crushing the duckling. In much the same way that we'd all drive more carefully if we all had a baby structure the front of our cars holding a duckling at all times would provide a useful solution to the modern cluttered brain. Second pro is softness. These things are mondo soft that I can almost unbelievable level of soft. In fact, when you're holding what it takes almost all of your willpower to stop yourself wiping your ass with it. Third pro, it makes you think about the duck that it will become when it grows up and just how delicious ducks are. For me, is definitely a Hall of Fame In the cons, there aren't many cons to be honest. One is that without your glasses on it can look like a disguise of tennis ball, do not repeat do not hit it with a racket. The other is the magic on the only one major con. It's the same kind of applies to all living creatures, man and beast. No matter how cute it looks, it has an anus. And this, many potential Vesuvius will leave your hand looking like the smoldering remains of pompei herculaneum unless you are careful. Don't make the same mistake. I did this weekend. So in conclusion, cupping a duckling in your hand is the ultimate metaphor for life. If you grab it with both hands, it can be wonderful and transformative. But you have to make sure you grab the right end with a duckling as with so many things in life when you hold on to it, make sure the anus is facing the other way, four stars. Alison spittle, what have you brought in to review? I've reviewed a pigeon's this week. And this comes from being a lockdown as well. My bedroom is right next to a balcony. At the start of lockdown, my boyfriend got COVID and he was away for a couple of months in another room. To be honest with you a first month was for safety and then the rest I think was just him being happy on his own. But I started making friends with these pigeons that were on my balcony I thought I thought I was Snow White. I thought this is a pandemic. The birds and my friends now.
A highlight from Jon Gabrus Disobeys Bridger
"Welcome to I said no gifts and bridger. Weiner. Here we are. It's you, it's me. We're dancing. We're having a wonderful time. You're listening. I'm speaking. And we're going to bring in our guest almost immediately. We've got to get to the guest. You're dying to hear the guest. I'm dying to speak to the guest. We're all going to have a fantastic time. It's John gabris. Welcome to I said, no gifts. Hey, thank you for having me on I said no gifts. This is thrilling. John, we don't know each other, but I know you go by gabrus largely. And I feel deeply uncomfortable calling you John. Oh, whatever you call me is kosher. John or Gabriel, I'll answer to both, I would say if I were introducing myself to you, I'd be like, hi, John Gabriel, but everybody calls me gabris. Right. And you may do the same. Yeah, I just feel like we share enough mutual people in our lives that I never hear of you refer to as John. And if you were like, I had John on my podcast, people would be like, you gotta get mulaney. Then set up for a letdown when you're like, no, gave it. Absolutely. Absolutely not. But yeah, I think just for the rest of this recording, well, who knows what'll happen? I may just go back and forth. I'm gonna refer to you, however I want. Please, and I will answer. It is just the two of us, so I'll assume if you're addressing anyone, it would be me. You might not even ever need to use my name again. If there's another name comes up, maybe some things there's someone behind you. All right, fair enough. If there is someone behind me, please let me know. It's like a horrifying zoom movie. Oh, I would love it. Halloween is just happened. Did you do anything for Halloween? I hosted some friends at my house for a little Halloween soiree. It was a delight, you know, it was just like ten 40 plus year olds having a vegan stew that my wife made for dinner and you know, just getting wasted and talking about hardly anything Halloween related happened except for scary movies and candy. There was a we had to dress everyone had to dress up according to my wife and all the women were just variations on a witch or a goth woman. And all the men were actually, we had two of the guys where barb and star, which was pretty tight. And I had like a real low rent last minute costume because my wife sprung the hole. No, you have to wear a costume at the last minute. I was like, for a dinner party, that's different. So I went as sexy Michael Myers, which was just a coveralls unzipped, no mask. Just happened to own coveralls and never getting rid of them for that reason alone. I like that when Michael Myers is feeling sexy he takes the mask off. He takes off the real iconic part of his well, he's feeling himself. He doesn't need to hide himself. He's like, this is what my face looks like. I'm just a normal psychiatric patient. That's the pure embodiment of evil. That's all. I feel like the mask is the last thing that comes off of Michael Myers when he's feeling sexy. What scary movies did you watch? We watched exorcist, poltergeist and rosemary's baby, but they were just sort of playing. Everyone down for 9 hours. Gave them black bean stew and then spent 9 hours farting watching horror movies. Okay, so was the volume even on? We had the volume on and then we transitioned to spooky music and just some visuals. My wife and I have been watching as we call it a spooky movie every night for like since October 1st or whatever. So I did not care. I did not we already had them all saved on the fucking Apple TV. So we're just like, well, let's run them through. Shutter has a cool shutter as channels, the horror movie app and they have channels that'll just play movies back to back. So we had that on for a little bit. It was a good time. How many channels the shutter have? They just have two and one is called slash X and one is called it came from shutter, and it's just like arbitrary delineate. One of them was playing the Halloween movies as many as they had the rights to back to back to back on Halloween, which was kind of thrilling. Oh, that's fantastic. I was picturing kind of like an NBC style app where you've got like a sports channel. You've got everything. Now you've got like a great selection of movies and then just two no pausing, no rewinding, just two channels running, that are just playing. So if you just want to because I missed that feeling, I mean, as I've mentioned earlier, I'm 40 39 to be honest. 40 by the time this comes down to 39. Please, it's the last couple of months. I'm a 39 year old, so I miss clicking through and catching a movie or being like, oh, this is on. I would never have picked this on demand. But I want to watch it from the middle on or like, oh, this is my favorite part of Goodfellas. And I want to leave it on. So that is kind of thrilling to me. I think every app should have a channel that just plays their shit in random rotation. The luxury of just dropping in halfway through moving, not having to make any decision and just figuring it out. Oh, it's just so cute. That you know your life is pretty privileged when you're like, thank God, I don't have to choose a movie. The biggest stress in my day. I'm speaking for myself, not you. I would not assume. Please do. Please speak from a throne. Did you watch anything particularly scary? Do scary movies actually scare you? Not really anymore, but I do really love and I try to let myself get scared by them. So I get very high and kind of like allow myself to get caught up in the moment. You know, a couple that I saw that kind of affected me. I saw a possessor uncut directed by something cronenberg, David cronenberg's son. And it was a really fucked up. It wasn't fully scary, but I was unsettled after I finished it. Because we went away for our ten year anniversary to an air-b-n-b. And that changes the entire vibe if you watch a scary movie, not in your own house. It adds a whole layer of like new sounds, new creeks. Oh my God, the air conditioner came on. That's louder than I expected. And that was really fun, that was part of the fun of watching possessor there. I was kind of fucking unsettled sleeping in a random bed that night. What is the general plot of possessor? It is sort of in the near distant future there is a way in which you could take over someone's psyche, like possess them via surgical means. And control them and a company is using it for assassinations, where they like, take over bridger, invites gave us on his podcast, bridger shoots gabrus, bridger shoots himself, cut to Joe Rogan waking up in the past. I'm trying to think who would be rivaled by our podcast notoriety and I guess Rogan is the first one that comes to mind. Oh, bro. Broken rogue and broken. I do feel like I can see that chain of events leading to Rogan. All kind of adds up for me. Are you a scary movie person? I like scary movies. Almost none of them scare me at this point. I feel like I'm my nerves are fried. One movie that I at least remember scaring me was the strangers. Oh, that one fucked me up too, and that came out long enough ago that I was like younger and that now we've had so many home invasion harbors, but that one fucking hit. Those burlap sack masks. I've only watched it once and it was like the month it came out.
A highlight from Tom Papa: A Joke about Being a Person
"You gotta be nicer to yourself. This is hard. It's hard what we're doing, isn't it? It's hard. It's hard being a person. Yeah. It's hard. When I was little, I used to look at grown-ups with money and cars and think, wow, that looks fun. I can't wait. Then it was an adult for 6 weeks. I'm like, this blows. I have to pay for everything. Just the physical maintenance of you every day, right? It's endless. Just the brushing and cleaning and wiping. Hopefully every day. It's like you're your own pet. And some people don't take care of their pet very well. You see him on the sidewalk, their hair's all mad, it looks like they just ate out of the garbage. Where's your collar, Dan? God. Just the checklist of stuff you gotta do get out of the house, right? I mean, look around tonight, right? Look around. No one's killing it in here. Now you look all right, you know, it's like, wow. Look at that guy. And still, so look like this. Took some doing, didn't it? Yeah, you made choices, put things back. I was walking in 6th avenue down 6th avenue in New York. This businessman, walking the other way. So well thought out. Everything immaculate. Suit, tie leather shoes, matches briefcase, glasses, not a hair out of place. Fly open, one ball out. I understood. He did everything on the list. Didn't check that one box. Just on his way to a meeting. Probably on his way back from a meeting, actually. No, that's the other thing. As an adult, nobody cares. Nobody helps you. They probably looked him right in the eye in the meeting. I'm not telling him. I got my own problems. I think I'm aware of my wife's underwear today, I don't know what the hell's going on. His wife probably kissing goodbye in the morning. So, honey, what a jackass, he'll figure it out. Well, if I got to see associate everybody else. When her to get a little son of that guy once in a while. No one cares. We're totally alone. You are. Even the people closest to you. You only get so close, right? The people you sleep next to. Only so close, right? You gotta give yourself little pep talks in your head. All day long, like a crazy person. 'cause you're the only one looking out for you. I got my wallet got my cell phone. Okay, okay. Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Where are my keys, okay? All right, it's going to be a great day. Gonna be a great day. The only difference between you and a crazy person is they say it out loud on the street. I got my wallet. I've got myself phone. It's gonna be a great day. You're looking at him across the street. This guy's nuts. We don't yell like that. No, we don't. We should get some ice cream. No one cares. Even my iPhone turned on me. My only true friend in the world. It's taking all the photos I take and putting them in categories of its own choosing. It considers my fat face and my normal face to be two different people. And there's a lot more of the fat face guy. Apparently he owns the phone. You ever catch yourself on the phone that undershot? You don't even think you're fat. You're like, I'm a monster. How are they not just hitting me with a dart when I come out of the front door? And taking me to the zoo to be identified. It's hard. I don't know why we don't feel like we're doing great, right? You work hard. You do all the stuff you're supposed to be doing. You're doing your best. And still, you feel like it's not enough. I think it's social media. I think in social media came out. Before social media, I thought I was kicking ass. I really did. Now every time I open my phone, someone's in my face. Are you killing it today? Are you living a 100% maxed out energy? Are you living your best life? No, I'm not. I'm not doing any of those things. 'cause that's not normal. I don't care what The Rock's Instagram says. That's not normal. You know what's normal? How you feel right now? Right now, in your funny little gassy bodies. A little achy, a little tired, lightheaded. Take a deep breath so you don't pass out in front of your friends. Worried about your bills, worried about how you're getting home, worried about that thing you found on your ass. That's normal. And it's exhausting. And that's normal too. Being tired, which I know you are all the time. That is normal. You don't need a 5 hour energy drink. You need to lay down once in a while. But we beat ourselves up about it all the time, right? Well, my Friends. I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me. Two o'clock in the afternoon every day. I get so tired. What's wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing. You woke up in the dark. Went to a job you don't enjoy. Already put in 5 hours.
A highlight from Jimmy Carr: A Joke about Porn
"I've looked at so much Internet porn, the virus, my computer has is HIV. We had a proper serious grown-up discussion about pornography recently, and my girlfriend said, well, some of you may share the sentiment. She said I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch two people have sex? I said, two. People. No, you've lost me. Has anyone here ever looked upon online? I really about 15 people. Well, what a statistical anomaly you are. It's always looking at some gentlemen's special interest material recently on the Internet. And this ad popped up for a penis enlargement cream. I thought, well, I'll read on. I'm not buying a fucking Aldi. Basically, he said, rob this cream on your penis, and it'll get bigger. I thought well I'll stop you there. Rub your penis without the cream, they'll get bigger. That is the nature of rubbing and penises that they bloody love it. Second thing, if this stuff actually worked, wouldn't the guy in the after photos in the advert also have massive hands?
A highlight from Ari Shaffir: A Joke about Kids
"Every time my sisters and my brother show me videos or any of my friends like, hey, look at a video of my kid. I feel like I'm Dexter. And I have to fake the emotion. You know, what a normal person with feelings would do, in that situation. I'm always like cute. How do you do this? And just the dumbest, like, look, he's walking. I'm like, yeah, well, they all do that. I can go on YouTube right now and see a video of a 5 year old hitting a golf ball 215 yards. You're showing me walking? Fuck you. Your child is unimpressive. Okay, he said, Dada. Well, that's not the way to say that word. Congratulations. Your videotaped a mistake. I'm sure the very embarrassed. But just annoying. Like you ever see this, you ever see this? Who's got kids here? How many people have kids here? A few of you. How old are your kids? 5, 5 years old. One. And then you stopped it after that? Yeah. Okay, good for you. Did I chasing the dragon like a lot of people? Maybe that 8th one I'll be good. You can't ever do this but they're playing. They're on the ground playing and having a good time, you know? And then they fall. Nobody deal. They should go back to the fire, you know? But if anybody's watching, they're like, oh, oh, you saw that? Okay, it's gonna get really bad for you right now. But I just want you to know, you did this to yourself. And then they start crying, but they don't really cry 'cause they're not really hurt. So they do their impression of what they remember a cry sounds like, you know, from memory, but they're not good at it. They're not actors. They never took classes. They don't know how to do it. They fall and they just go, uh. It's like, dude, you're doing ghosts. You're not doing crying. They're not even upset. They just think they can get upset. So they try to make themselves get upset. They're like feminist bloggers. Nobody feels less joy than a feminist blogger. Like, fuck you, I hate you. You suck. You're like, why are you so upset? It's a nice day out. Shut up, man. Don't tell me how to feel. Parents don't even wake up the same way non parents like it. I think I'd be okay with the two of parents like give me an honest, like an honest account of what parenthood was like. But a lot of parents just like, say, it's a beautiful blessing every second of every day. It's always a beautiful, beautiful blessing. Every single second, I'm like, every single second, then why are the bags under your eyes twitching? That low and they're fucking twitching. Like they're about to pop. My friend has two kids in front of Avi's got two kids four and 7. Here's how he wakes up in the morning. Here's our parents wake up in the morning, okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off. He's sleeping peacefully, right? The alarm goes off as soon as it goes off. Vegetates, clothes, food, go. Love. Now. Go. Go. Go. It's fucking Afghanistan and bombs are dropping. Every single day. Sleep with your boots on. How do you live like that? Not single people, man. That's not how we wake up at all. You have no kids. Here's how I wake up on a Sunday. First of all, no alarm clock. This whenever it happens. Whenever the fake shall be time. Yeah. We're sleeping peacefully, right? After a while, just kinda like. Remember that parents? Remember going back to bed? Remember those days? I mean, that two hour blink. Were you looking at a cloth like 9 30? Okay, that's 1115. I didn't that just happened. My time traveler, what just happened there? I don't think I got 1245. What's happening right now? Can I take it to that two o'clock? There it is. Remember sleeping so much that you physically can not sleep anymore? Or you're laying that you try? Sometimes you're drawing, but you lay there with your eyes closed for like 45 minutes. Are like, yeah, this is not going down. I'm doing everything in my power to make this happen and it's not happening, so may as well get up. Sun's going down. It's probably get some vitamin D before and commit suicide again. And my Friends are like, and this is one thing they got me on parents coming on. They're like, don't you get lonely? Don't you get lonely without children? And I'm like, yeah. A deep, deep loneliness that you could never even ever experience. It's a fucking vast emptiness that goes on for millennium. It's super lonely. Yeah. But then I call my Friends and I'm way less lonely. No, but there's something to be said for having cute things around you. You get it, right? You have this, it feels a void that your Friends can't feel. I have nieces and nephews when they're around. I feels that void, you know? It's great to play with them and teach them stuff, but I don't live in the same city as them, so when I'm not in their city, what do I do? I go to parks and play with randoms, but. Parents frown on that. Parents always like, get away from my child, and I'm like, I'm not a child molester. But if you even bring up child molestation, that's all they can think about. So what do you do? How do you fill that void? How to sing people fill that void? Dogs. That's how we do it. You see any single person over 30 around a dog, they get weird. I love dogs. I don't like a dog in his mouth you guys. I don't give a fuck. I'll give him that talk. He's a good boy. He wants that dog. It was a good boy. He's got that talk. I'll get in there. Like, you get one. Hey, good boy. And then. Yeah, owners look at me weird. They're like, aren't you afraid of getting a disease? And I'm like, yeah, depression. Please, let me have this. Watch Ari shaffir, double negative, only on Netflix.
A highlight from 280. Checking in with our Bodies with Cal Wilson, Rachelle Panitz and April Hlne-Horton
"And finally we released a few days ago, a podcast version of a live stream we did with Sarah madini and Shawn binder, who were two search and rescue volunteers who are facing trial this week for trumped up charges of trafficking in Greece, their humanitarians, we need to support them. We need to tweet the Greek prime minister and tell him we will not stand for it. Please go to free humanitarians dot org, all of the information about how you can support Sarah and Sean and the others who are up on these ridiculous charges will be their plus you can donate to help their campaign. This is really, really urgent and scary, so please help if you can in any way possible. And now the podcast. I'm a feminist, but at my dance studio this week, I went upstairs to use the loo and I walked past an open door, and there was a man sitting on the floor with a circle of young teenagers and young women around him, and he was teaching ballet. I was watching a man teach ballet. And oh my God. It was a man, and he had the energy of a straight man. I don't know if he was a straight man, but I think he was a straight man. He was teaching girls and young women ballet. So what was the bit that you loved the most? Was it that it was a man teaching a traditionally feminine art form perhaps to girls or the fact that he was very bendy? It's beyond language. It's above language. There isn't any way to articulate it. It's a feeling in my soul and my loins. Is it like you've gone for a walk outside and then you've just accidentally found a swan and some signets and you've just become transfixed. It's by the swan. It's beyond language, and it's beyond nature. There's no natural equivalent or metaphor for this cow. He was demonstrating things to them. He stood up and was demonstrating things to them and they were all looking up at him adoringly. It was the ballet. It was the man. It was the teaching roller was the status gap and none of this is feminist, like all of this is very un feminist. I see women teaching ballet in there all the time, and I'm like, yeah, it's a ballet class. it. It was just very sexy, watching a straight man, I assume teaching ballet. What I'm loving here is that you were talking about it. The way I talked about seeing Wales when I came back from we were watching. Like it was just so majestic. We didn't know if we were going to see one. It was just so beautiful. It was slightly felt slightly dangerous. What if he had fallen and crushed you? All of those things. All of those things. Did you end up surreptitiously creeping into the class and joining the circle? It felt very inappropriate because they were all 17 year old ballet dancers. So no. If I could have slipped in unnoticed in my leggings and t-shirts, sure. But these were 17 year old girls in leotards, with the figures of ballet dancers. So I would have been extremely it would have been like Stonehenge wandering in. I think maybe no one will notice me. No. No. Obviously. Also, you would have just made it into the circle, and then you have to put your hand up and go, come back over to the toilet, please? Yes, that's the other thing because I was on my way. But can I say on the plus side for me, that's the I'm a feminist butt side. I was like, oh, the way I'm watching feeling and you did find a metaphor in nature, you did. You absolutely did find it. Thank you. Well done. I thought you wouldn't, but you did. Good work shopping, everyone. Never underestimate how Wilson. She had another go, she thought you can't tell me I can't. I'm a feminist, and she had another go and she nailed it in one. It was whale watching, although just in spirit. But on the way back, and this is in the plus box of my feminism, I didn't look. I was so tempted to just look again and I thought, just keep this is nothing to do with you.
A highlight from Barbara Carlyle: A Joke about the Military
"But I had all kinds of jobs. I was in the military in the military of people. Okay, what was your answer? Army. Be all you can be. Oh, fucking target. That's all the fuck you can be. We don't kept on fucking around. We would be an army of one. Why was your rain? Sergeant. Oh, I dated a stale son. Hey, dumbest shit. He thought he was a staff son, he couldn't get gun a real. Carson was a disease or the prophets. Oh, he was going home. He loved the middle child. He don't tell me. Because of the privacy aid, I got to tell him every man I ever slept with. I said, because of the you didn't catch me nay. I ain't got to tell you shit. They just passed that actor of the day. Anybody in the navy? I like the name because I like playing with semen. Air force. Anybody in air force ones? Being on no limits so time. Marine Corps, that's me. I was in a Marino. Yeah, I was looking for a few good men. But a lot of bad ones who I realized I wasn't that many. I went to war, did you go to wall? Which one? Which one?
A highlight from Rub Salt On Your Yoni and Heal! (w/ Kulap Vilaysack)
"Stand up comedy show hack city is back. This month we're at caveat in the lower east side in Manhattan. It's on Tuesday, November 23rd, doors at 6 30 show is at 7 o'clock. Come through if you're in New York City and for the first time ever and for this show only, there's a live stream option. Tickets available in the episode description in our Instagram bio and on Asian Asian pod com. See you there. I'm looking back now at all of the things that my parents went through and some of the behaviors they had and I'm like, oh, was this depression? Was this their form of depression? And