Addiction and Sobriety
Listen to the latest on recovery, addiction, rehabilitation and substance abuse. Compiled to inspire and strengthen your sobriety. Aired from leading talk radio shows and premium podcasts.
PROMOTED TO CHRONIC
"Career girl preferred solitary drinking the blackout. Kind often hoping she'd stay that way for keeps but providence had other ideas. I wasn't always alcoholic. In fact it has only been within the last fifteen years that i changed from a fairly normal control drinker into an alcoholic. I don't mean that. I went to bed one night. A normal drinker and awoke the next morning as an alcoholic. It wasn't that simple. I started drinking socially and at parties. And proms when i was about twenty years old. I didn't like it particularly at first. But i did like the effect i got from it. It made me feel quite grown up and mature. And i think another added attraction was the fact that so far is my family was concerned it was forbidden and it had a special attraction for that reason after a while i really did enjoy drinking and what it did to me and i became dependent on it for every occasion eventually. The day came when i was dependent upon it even when there wasn't any occasion when i didn't have anything else to do a dull evening at home i'd sneak a few drinks upstairs in my room and that began to be a habit in nineteen thirty nine. I went on my first weeks. Bender of solitary drinking locked up in a hotel room because my family opposed my coming marriage. I figured that. Perhaps if i went ahead with that marriage which i was sure was right for me. That would be the answer to my drinking problem. I thought i would be quite happy. And never would i drink too much again. So i that i think my first feeling of fear came with my first week. Solitary drinking locked up in that hotel room. The hotel management knowing that something was wrong sent for doctor. The doctor apparently realizing that one thing that i certainly needed was sleep. Left a bottle of sleeping pills there and in my drunken state i took them all instead of the one or two he had prescribed. If it hadn't been for an alert hotel made. I might have died then from that time on. Fear was with me. Because i realized that not only would i not remember what happened to me while i was drinking but apparently i couldn't control what happened and there didn't seem to be anything to do about it. Having passed over the border line the next five years were filled with fear failure and frustration tragedies during those years that were caused by drinking such as the breaking up of my marriage. The death of my child other things had little restraining affect in fact. Sometimes they served as good excuses to drink more to forget it was in washington. Dc that this transition took place and that the really bad part of alcoholism began happening. The last christmas i spent in washington fourteen years ago comes to mind only a few days before christmas. I went to the dentist for periodic checkup. X-rays show that a couple of teeth had to come out. I hadn't been drinking much about that time for. I had begun to realize that there was something abnormal about my drinking. Although as yet i didn't realize that it was so out of control on the day set for the extractions on my way to the dentists felt a little nervous so i had a couple of drinks and after the teeth were out i was very nervous so i had a few more when i got home. My mouth was very painful. So i got an ice bag and went to bed the next day the ice bag and i were still in bed but we had a bottle to my pattern of drinking at that time had reached the point where once i really started i would retire to my bed and drink myself into oblivion. The rest of that week is pretty hazy. And so it went. I remember vaguely violent quarrels with my husband. His finding my liquor supply time and time again and throwing it out. And then my waiting until i was sure. He was asleep and stealing money from him to replenish the supply. Then i remember him coming into my room one night with a friend and telling me to get dressed. We were going away. I fought and struggled but to no avail. I was taken out of the house and put bodily into a waiting car with nothing on but a robe and gown.
People, Places & Things
"I want to start with. I wanna play this snippet for you of matthew mcconaughey. And a talk he did. He is an amazing speaker. And any of you that have done my mindset makeover video series. He's in a couple of the videos. I share with you during that mindset makeover and that's totally free five day of video every day to your inbox but i wanna play the snippet for you because this is exactly what we're talking about in. This is what i want you to think about is just as important where we are not as it is where we are. Look the first step that leads to our identity. Life is usually not. I know who i am. I know who i am. That's not the first step the first step. Usually i know who i am not process of elimination defining ourselves by what we are not is the first step that leads us to really know who we are a group of friends that you hang out with their they really might not bring out the best in the gossip too much kind of shady Gonna be there for you in a pinch about that bar. We keep going to that. We always seem to have the worst hangover from over that computer screen right. The computer screen keeps giving us an excuse not to get out of the house and engaged with the world. It gets real human interaction. I bet that food that we keep eating stuff taste good. Going down makes us feel like crap. The next week we feel when he put on weight will those people those places those things stop giving them your time and energy. Just don't go there. i mean. put them now. And when you do this when you put them down when you quit you quit giving them your time you inadvertently find yourself spending more time and in more places that are healthy for you that bring you more joy. Why because you just eliminated the who's the wears the once in the winds that were keeping you from your identity. Trust me too many options. I promise you there's too. Many options will make tyrant of is. All i get rid of the excess wasted time. Decrease your options. If you do this you will have accidentally almost innocently put in front of you. What is important to you process. Elimination how about that. I love this thought process in. This is so much what i think about. When i'm thinking about changes that i wanna make or when i'm thinking about if my anxiety is extra high or i'm feeling uncertain which guesses anxiety to right but this is what i think about like. What are there things in my life that are causing me more anxiety and discomfort in disease and this is people places and things we talk about this in twelve step programs a lot and again when you want to change something when you want something in your life to be different. Then you have to do things differently and often times. That's going to mean making decisions differently. It's going to mean different people. Different places different things. Have you ever thought about it this way about moving things that don't serve you rather than adding more things. i think. We have a tendency to add more things. Like we're always in this quest for happiness and it's about stuff and things wanting to add things to distract us right in. I'm all about distraction especially in the throes of a craving or high anxiety or when. You're super upset. I think in those moments one of the best things you can do is kind of distract yourself until some of that emotion comes down in then. You can figure out really how to cope with it and often times. That quest for happiness is more about removing things. That aren't serving us. And that's really what i want to get into in some changes that i did in twenty twenty. That made a big difference for me and it just food for thought some things that you can think about again especially going into this new year this fresh new perspective the next version of you that you're going to build the next level of your sobriety your life your relationships. I want you to think about some of the things that you can take out of your life. That just don't serve you. Well the first things that i really started to cut down on in the beginning of corona virus was news in negative information. And this isn't just about corona virus but also this kind of place together but also the political part of everything. The last few years has just been super toxic and weird and divisive and i. I don't like divisive anyway. So i don't like to play into that. That news just got super overwhelming to me now. Obviously i check in. We have a
Interview with Angela Deem
"But today i'm indulging with from ninety. Fiance angela deem angela. Welcome i just love you. I'm a big fan of yours. Well it turns out my wife on arabic fans of yours to and that's very kind of time so so she may actually zoom in here. I had to call her and go. Listen i don't want to keep this job. I've got your friend angela. Coming in and i gotta go to the doctor. I'll zoom and later. We'll see if she shows up my honored say. Merry christmas tour. It's so funny she is She's a big fan of michael's too big fan. She just thinks he's not far away about itself to adjust grow on you. Yes so how are things going. Where where do you stand right now. How much can you talk about. You know really. I can't talk about much because we really don't know where everything's at and it's still difficult being apart from each other. We still have our ups and downs. And you know our problems probably as bad as people that live together problems but when you're a far apart i think that's what breaks relationships because you can't get there and hug and salaries you know what i mean. In general you know we're we're trying to work things out in Who are still at the same level. How about that. that's good. No that's good. That's kind of what. I figure you could say i know you have a tlc. Brass sitting on the line here monitoring us and by the way to the to the tlc people. Why are you not having me do the reunions. While let me do the reunions for these shows i. I'm an avid fan and listener. Viewer of all the united fiance's step. You bring me an at least as a consultant for those reunion shows right angela. Thank you great honestly. I love all routes. But you know what i think. You'd be great because we all need therapy on that stage. Oh i understand trust me i. I've taken notes on you guys but but it has been great entertainment during the lockdown. Right it has been one of the few things my wife had looked forward to at the end of the week on sunday nights and things and you start to pull for people you start to get very attached to you guys and your relationships and all the stuff you're facing and it's kind of in a way it's sort of good for americans to see the different cultures and how much americans Take for granted spoil. Yeah and then what how you stroke are spoiled because you know we have systems. Yeah and. I'm actually impressed with how well you got along in africa. You really just you jump right in. You seem like you're embraced his family. You embrace everything about his culture. Maybe not the food so much. The little day in the man's dominant will dash. But that's but that's the other thing so so you went toward you. Brought them pizza. Which i guess they already had it but you were sort of emphasizing pizza and and you took issue with the. I found that very interesting it was. This was my jiri right. Is that where you guys were. And there were three versions of marriage. Options in nigeria. Right right am i wrong. And that was kind of extraordinary they're all highly codified by the state. Like either you are committed to your partner and love and if you have any misadventures you've broken the law right. Yeah or or or you can go. Do whatever you want or this marriage or you can do the muslim marriage. Or it's the call your cultural marriage the muslim arabs. Or i what we call our regular marriage You know we can't she meet and all that and thank you know here. We don't go over there if you're caught with another woman. If you're doing the marriage that we picked out you can go to prison for five years. That's so crazy to me. It's really very interesting. And yet at the same time they have marriage that's essentially open but all of it seems to favor the male. Yes sir josh. I'm favor you know us being equal. You know some things you know. Of course. he's got to be the man of things but Michael shakes extreme. When i say. We're fifty mickey like if i get mad at hang up on him he'll call me back. Just hang up on me. That's not what. I mean. When i say no i think he knows it you mean. He's he's a pretty enlightened guys very smart. what's his what's his quick fairwood. His his professional background is he sold cars. But when i tell people this thinking like our sales people over here it's totally different. You know it'll take him all day to go so one car he just gets a percentage on it and he might not even sell it. So that's when. I told you know you're spending more gas. It draining your body every day to go. You know our just drive there back not might not sell car this message and even work. You know what. I mean because it's like it's not balancing or making nothing to me. I said i rub you. Stay home and take care of your mom. Your mom why you can and we take care of her together in. Would that make him dependent on you financially as the okay with that given this whole sort of male dominant kind of society he's grownup grown up in. Well you know. I think i really think i'm his first real relationship not girlfriend but real relationship. I am a song minded person you because i'm experiencing owner and that's what i try to tell them. I don't try to like. I know herbs because i honestly don't have done all this stuff you're due at your age and this is why when we first got together. I let him know how i am. No no flaws. No
Healing Your Body After Alcohol with Bryan Bradford
"Hi brian how are you doing good tricia. Thanks so much for inviting me tonight. Of course i'm so happy to have you. I know we go back a long long way. Known your family for almost thirty years and talk. Yeah your sister definitely started working for you guys twenty years ago. I miss you guys all the time. But after knowing you guys for so long and hot in for shopping at this flower shop for so long i know you are the guy to go to when it comes to talking about like more natural solutions for for repair essentially and for just for overall health. So what i did was like crowd sourced. And i got all the best questions from everybody and they are dying to pick your brain how they can recover in sobriety so i have won the honor of being the biggest erred so yes definitely be happy to answer those well. Let's get the party. Started the number. One thing that people want to know about is sugar cravings eliminate alcohol and then all of a sudden. We're dying for sugar. How can people deal with this in a healthier way. It's a great question. Tricia in is not just for alcohol. I mean this is type. Two diabetes is probably such fast growing disease in our country. Right now and so really. It's blood sugar. Prominent everybody is happy and so when it comes to that question. I always like to talk about the chemistry of the body a little bit and some people get bored with chemistry. But it's important understand our body a little bit more so you can understand why we do this and not that and so i like to talk about the hormone cortisol. Most people heard this hormone. Because it's your stress hormone so when you're under stress your body produces more cortisol. The problem is actually to other things that drive cortisol to go high in the body beside stress. The second thing that drives cortisol is is inflammation. And we know that alcohol can be one of the contributors of inflammation and the third thing that tribes cortisol up is drops in blood sugar. So when we were going through drinking binges or maybe eating too many carbs sugars you were just causing your your sugar to spike and crash throughout the day and this also made this hormone cortisol do the same thing so when this cortisol mechanism gets engaged. You're basically engaging most people know asked the fight or flight syndrome we talk about fight or flight all the time in recovery for sure. That's right. Because i like to talk about it on the chemistry level because we all heard the term stress did no one knows what that really means to the body. So i'm gonna put it in trying to pitch this through our audio here. What cortisol is that fight or flight hormone which means you were designed to run away from danger but you really weren't meant to eat and run at the same time so what the body does particularly what cortisol does is that when cortisol goes high is suppressed Digestive function. so this is a lot of people are not hungry when their cortisol is. Hi how many of you are waking up in the morning and you're not hungry till eleven twelve clock. That is not normal. We've most of us should be hungry as soon as we wake up. Because we've been fasting through the night but that's not way most of america's going right now so this is leading to an issue really of this sugar dysregulation so maybe night we had too many carbs. We are chocolate and popcorn and glass of wine percent people then basically. We spiked her blood. Sugar up in when that blood sugar starts to crash. Cortisol starts to go up so when we are suppressing our digestive system with this cortisol hormone. And now you decide to eat that piece of chicken or that hamburger whatever it is that protein yours. Your digestion has an acid in your stomach called. Hcl that's supposed to break down these proteins but when it's under suppression. The food sits in the stomach. Too long inserts to ferment. And so a lot of people start experiencing some bloating or belching or more gas sometimes. If it goes on long enough it turns no heartburn indigestion and then these undigested proteins that undigested piece of chicken that did not break down very well starts to go into your small intestines and now your small tested that proteins too big to be absorbed properly so your immune system starts to attack that piece of protein. It basically treats it like an allergy and so in other words now it starts to create an inflammatory response in the gi track and that can lead towards more that ibs type symptoms. Now we're dealing with constipation loose bowels. You know if it goes on long enough to really call so law. Problems with diverticulitis crowns other big problems and long term. But i just want most people don't understand let's back up for a second cortisol. Goza suppresses your digestion. We sort of lose appetite food that we are eating or not digesting. That will so now it's going into the small intestines undigested causing an immune system attack. Eighty percent of your immune systems in the gut. So that's why these proteins enter the g. I tried harshly. Undigested your immune system sees those as allergens and it will tack that protein to get out there any protein while your body is in fight or flight for long-term you're gonna have trouble breaking down those proteins without support
NEW VISION FOR A SCULPTOR
"And now part two story twelve new vision for a sculptor. His conscience hurt him as much as his drinking. But that was years ago. I think that life. When i was growing up was the most wonderful life that any kid ever had. My parents were very successful every new luxury and every new beauty that came into the house was keenly appreciated by all of us. We didn't have things thrown at us. They came little by little. My parents were both jews and in my family life we were always keenly alive to the beauty of religion. Although we were not orthodox. I always saw god as a wonderful force. That was a great deal. Like my father only magnified to the nth degree. I wanna ask my grandfather. When i was little boy what god was like. He asked me what my dad was like. I went into superlatives about dad. Because i really loved him so much. He was such a friendly wonderful father. And so my grandfather said well. Your father is the head of your family. God is the head of the entire human family and of the whole universe but what makes him dear. God is that you can speak to him just as you would talk to your own dad. He's not only a universal father but an individual father too. So i'd always had that wonderful comparison of my own father with god when they found out that i could create sculpture at a very early age. It made both my parents very happy. My two older brothers were not artists but they were very good students. I was very bad student and very much of an artist instead of resenting that they encouraged my art so my childhood was really art and music. And i got along at school usually by leaving the day before examinations or getting measles or something else like that and being put in the next grade for trial. The teacher of the grade. That i left would never take me back. Under any circumstances i was ecstatically. Happy my brothers and their friends lived on horses as i did from six years old on. We did everything. All of our playing in wild games on horseback. This was up to world war one. I was about nineteen years old. Then i don't think i had any fears at all up to that time. We were very close family. Everything was very vital. Anything that happened to one happened to another when war broke out. All i could hear in my heart was the echoes of what my father and mother had me so often how grateful i should be to. The united states. Grandfathers had come over from the other side. One from bohemia and one from prussia because at that time there was persecution in those countries and they wanted to live and be part of the land of the free. They both had magnificent lives and were able to pull themselves up and live happily and die in luxury. I was very grateful to the united states for that. I loved my grandparents very dearly. And i had watched my father's great financial success so i felt that i didn't want either of my two brothers to go to war. They were both married but certainly one of the family should show what we thought and felt about the united states. So i told my folks that i was going to join the army and that scared them to death but after a while they heard that a nearby hospital was forming a unit and i think my mother had a picture of my going to war with my personal family doctor. Nothing could be more luxurious so they gave their consent that i should join the unit. Never realizing that you could transfer when you got to the other side. I was a terrible soldier. As far as drilling was concerned but i had been studying anatomy and dissecting for my artwork so a hospital was sort of a second nature to me. I got along very well in that part of the army. Very well indeed. I went through world war one without actually getting drunk. I did learn to drink heavily in france but it didn't do anything for me or to me. I mean to say. I didn't drink for relief or escape and i was always flattered that i could out drink almost anybody and take them home. Many of the patients insisted that when they got well they were going to take me down and get me drunk and appreciation. It was usually a hike of two and a half kilometers to get the patient back to the hospital. These were the walking wounded. I had one bad experience. In which a truck that i was in was blown up and i woke up in vichy a couple days later in a bathtub i thought i was in heaven. The whole room was full of steam. An enormous sargent came through the steam. And said don't move young fellow. I said where am i. He told me. I started to upgrade him. Why should i move. He said don't move. That's all i did and found. It was very painful. I had an injury to my spine when it was time to get me out of that bathtub that enormous guy just picked me up as though i were a baby and put me on a stretcher that was about three days before the armistice on armistice day everyone pushed all the hospital beds onto the street and had a grand parade of them. Everybody hugged and kissed us and gave us candy and drinks and the sergeant came along with a glass and said the doctor said your to finish this right away. I turned it upside down and believe me. The bed swam from then on. It didn't last very long. Because as soon as i got something to eat a god over that but i think that was my very first feeling of being dizzy or drunk
Habilitat Creating Community with Jeff Nash
"Hello everyone welcome to the addicted. Mind podcast today. My guest is jeff. Nash and he is going to talk about habilitated and their model for sustained recovery. Jeff thank you so much for coming. Onto the addicted mind podcast. I am really interested to hear your story but also to hear your model of addiction treatment. Thank you thanks for means a pleasure to be here this morning. All right so tell us a little bit. Where does it all start for you. Oh wow that's a long story like a lot of people. I ended up getting involved with drugs alcohol at a very young age twelve years low and it got really bad really fast. By the time. I was sixteen years old. I was shooting heroin and other substances saw and renew sleep and of course that brought a lot of legal problems and now jail lots of treatment and i was raised in texas dallas texas and i went through fourteen different treatment programs throughout my life and continued really struggle in and out of jail in and out of programs so the age of thirty actually twenty nine years old is when i finally got it together and for me rui. I realized later that i needed. I needed more than just. The normal substance use treatment. I needed a life. Overall are some point hind landed in. Hawaii ended up in trouble ear in jail and eventually ended up in the village. And i kind of took to habilitates philosophy like a duck. They helped me find a passion. Nail figure out who i was and on the final i had a knack for helping other people. They put me through a lot of training. They sent me to school to learn about a substance use treatment and administration and things like that and eventually i became the program. Director for tat. And i did that job for about sixteen years. I was very blessed. I was trained but actually the last person that was trained by the people who founded the program unfortunately our founder any marino us. Since passed away. But i was very blessed to be trained by heaven his wife and then i did the program director of the program for about sixty years and the ultimate two thousand fifteen. I became the executive director. So i've been with a village out now for about twenty four years. I think and different abilities very much. Enjoy what we do and this is so you know. I found my niche. I guess and got a nice life. Now been clean and sober for about twenty four years. That's awesome that's career. Comedy story pretty similar to people's stories right. Tell me a little bit about the fourteen times of trying treatment so here you were addicted pretty early. I guess you know. I think he said thirteen or fourteen years old drugs. By the time. I was sixteen hours using obviously right so using some really hardcore drugs at a very young age very young age of development and you into fourteen different treatment centers. I mean. that's really like someone who is trying to get help ya. Well i think to me jimmy rule honest. I think my family wanted me to get a lot more than i really. Did you know. I had a lot of people i mean i have some childhood traumas that were unresolved goes very angry. Disenfranchised with life you know the family was dysfunctional. Common themes wait was substance abuse on trying and trying really. It was when i got to be a little bit older and how to jail and withdraw in jail and watching life pass me by and to get a little bit more motivated like i need to give together. This is not fine. I was actually of a lengthy prison sentence that i was facing drums now for for drug for drug possession. That's what prompted me to trying. Really dig down deep and try and overcome all these issues until you know certainly wasn't fixed a thirty day curated took me a few years therapy Few years of mentorship but there was a it. Sounds like there was a change in you where you said. Okay i gotta dig deeper here. Something's gotta be different. I can't keep going like this really crazy to say i was on about ninety milligrams of methadone back in the nineties. And i i went to jail overstated. They didn't give me the doses. Methadone so i ended up withdrawing older. Eat from both methadone in heroin on the floor. Wow jail and it was a newsroom experience. I mean it a really miserable experience you know. It was in that fog than i decided. you know. this isn't fun anymore. And you know i mean most of the reason that i was using drugs to escape age of of that i created for myself really but it was a coping skill. Drug use was a coping skill. Not not a very resourceful coping skill but it was yulong and you know the payable. That really made me decide that. I needed to try something else. I was very blessed. Because i i was in jail here in hawaii. And there's a program here old milita which is known as the long hard core long-term aren't or program and the you know. The word on the street was that if you really wanna get your act together. That's the place that you go. And i didn't have anything to lose. That's for sure. So i reached out to them in jail and call them. They came to visit me in jail in a few weeks later. They got me into the program so they are able to to take you in and you really wanted to to get some treatment. It sounds like you were kind of ready at that point. Yeah find the right place in the right place mentally and emotionally that i knew something had to change about jails institutions and death while i was facing all that and it became very apparent to me that the gig was up and it was time to make a change are the only alternative was either gonna die or overdose. Several times nearly died but is facing lindsay incarceration because of by drug use.
12 Ways to Light a Path to Peace in Any Moment.
"Hi everyone by the time. You will be listening to my voice in this moment. Twenty twenty will be in our rear view mirror class. Hey or so we hope it has been a tough one and you have made it. That's a strength and strength is what we're going to talk about today. Strength in peace and trying to find both through the mucky muck of years like two thousand twenty. How do we make this transition. Where do we go from here. All of these thoughts are percolating amongst us right. Really trying. I did a podcast on hope last week. About really digging in to our inner strength which includes hope and i'm going to go further with that this week and talk about how we find the strength within us when we don't think we have any. And how do we find a pathway to peace within ourselves whatever you are struggling with addiction or depression or god bless america and the whole world. All of us are slightly anxious these days. Whatever it is you have with a new two day means to make it better. We have to dig deep for that. And i'm encouraging you to turn to others in your life and reach out your hand reach out your hand so someone else can help you. It is not this life about helping other people all the time we need to receive it as well so twenty twenty one here. We come in my weekly readings. I came across a new website that ooh got lost in a little bit. it is gail brenner. dot com. that's b. r. e. n. n. e. r. Gail you spell it. Well i guess. I should spell gale g. i l. brenner. Dot com. dr gail brenner is a licensed clinical psychologist with twenty years of experience offering psychotherapy and she digs deep in to the sacred space in us. The tagline on our website is sacred space for awakened living and what that means to me after reading a little bit about her and her writings is that she got very curious about what causes human suffering while a subject to we all are pretty curious about but don't tend to spend a lot of time on researching and she developed ways of looking at things for herself and then went on to get her Degree her doctorate in psychology clinical psychology and now helps others transition journey into that well of wisdom deep within ourselves in her bio she states. I'm a psychologist. Who loves this human life and the freedom that's possible to live it fully so good in one of her blog. Post twelve enlightening ways to find peace. In any moment she starts off by using a quote by gandhi. Truth is by nature self evident as soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance. And i'll slow. Roll the word ignorance. A lot of people get triggered by that. That's one of those words. My dad used to us. It's okay it just means not having the facts having the knowledge so he goes on to say as soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surrounds it. It shines clear. Truth is by nature self evident as soon as you remove the cobwebs of ignorance that surrounded it shines clear. Love that quote. Because it's at the very heart of how i work with people to become aware of your inner world to the extent that you don't let these automatic thoughts rule your behavior your emotions and continue to trigger you being this loop of of action reaction action reaction he c- inner peace is not religious or spiritual choice. It is something we all have access to no matter our belief system.
Expectations Are Premeditated Resentments
"Okay my lovely friends. Let's dig into this topic. Expectations are premeditated resentments. This always strikes a chord for me. When i hear it of course because there's so much truth in this simple statement when i started this journey of recovery. This is yet another piece of my puzzle that i didn't understand a recognize. I had zero understanding that. I put all these expectations on people and outcomes in situations and then i ended up mad when it didn't go the way i thought it should go. And i know you're going to relate to this too because it's human nature it's something. Everyone does addiction or no addiction. These expectations are out here. Running wild in the streets people. Let me give you a simple example. I caught myself on this one many many years ago when i was just learning about expectations. Okay i'm driving my boyfriend's house and remember many years ago. I did not pick the best boyfriends right in. This was definitely one of the best ones. So i'm driving over there. I'm excited to see him. He was in a pretty good mood when we were on the phones. I'm thinking i'm going to get there when walking in he's going to give me a fantastic huggies going to be really sweet and it's going to be this magical moment and it didn't happen that way at all. I walked in. He was in the middle of something else and was kind of dismissive. Like he didn't care if i was there or not. And he was gonna finish. He was doing whether i was there or not. And of course my feelings were hurt. And i sat down just got quiet doing a little pouting now. I didn't take it to any extreme. Like start a fight with him or anything like that. I'm not really a fighter like that. I think it's kind of a waste of energy and most of the time you end up in a fight because you aren't really listening to your person and they aren't really listening to you and on top of that. You're usually arguing over opinions. Which to me is really silly because opinions right or wrong. They're not facts to fight about. And there's no law that says you have to agree right like we're all allowed to disagree. Everyone is perfectly allowed to have their own opinion in. It doesn't make them wrong but when we fight were typically fighting to be heard in try to make our person agree with us instead of hearing each other out figuring out the compromise and respecting one other thoughts and opinions and sometimes a good fight is just what you need to get everything out on the table and you come back stronger than ever as long as no one is pulling any low blows in the fight and name calling and things like that. This is a good example to you. Go into a conversation with someone. And you have an expectation of how they're going to respond or react you expect. They're going to be understanding and kind and loving and totally hear. You agree with you and you're gonna walk away from the conversation with a smile feeling really good about it but really that expectation is that you're going to get your way so when it starts to go a different direction and you see you aren't getting your way you start to get mad if you're person isn't just agreeable unwilling to do what you want. The tone starts to turn to anger and resentment we fight. I think special occasions fall into this too. Have you ever had like the birthday party that you plan and invite all your friends and you buy a special outfit for it and you're so excited you spend two weeks thinking about all the fun. You're gonna have fun. Your friends are going to have in. It's going to be epic. Then the day comes and it falls totally flat like your new shoe breaks before you ever get out of the house. Four of your friends text at the last minute that they can't make it. Your hair won't cooperate and then it rains like it's a mess. I get tell you how many times this has happened to me. Not just birthdays but even just nights out right you get so excited and those expectations are going up and up and up in some point. That level of excitement creates an expectation. That just can't be attained. You know the really bad thing about this is when our expectations aren't met. It leaves us bummed sad mad disappointed and then we can't even enjoy the situation as it is because we just feel disappointed and let down expectations. Get us in a couple of ways. One is the expectation we put on others right expecting a certain response from one or a certain greeting when you walk in the room like i talked about expecting an outcome that you predetermined in your head. The other is the expectations you put on yourself. Sometimes we even combine the two. And that's a real disaster waiting. Let's do another example husband makes a surprise romantic dinner for wife. he shops. He cooks before she gets home. He has her favourite flowers candles lit. He's being amazing and thoughtful. Wife comes in the door not in a great mood and says thanks babe. I've just had a really horrible day. I want to take a shower and go to bed.
Interview With Dr. Stephen Porges
"Welcome to dr podcast today. I am very excited. I am privileged to welcome to the program A gentleman who has eye doctor porges. Are you there. i'm here yeah. I want to gush about you for a second because i am a giant fan of your work and the observations that you brought to light. I thought it was time we took your material to the public. Which i know is going to be a little bit of a task because it's very physiological and very technical but this is the future. Are we off line. No we're on. We're on the rock. I know it sounds like i'm not talking. Okay then go ahead and gosh yes. Dr borjas develop. Something called the polly vega theory. And it is that may not be a term that is immediately apparent what it means everybody. But he basically has shown how a part of our central nervous system that has been ignored for longtime or at least marginalized. Maybe at the core of understanding. How i describe this. How are emotional. Landscapes work I i came to work. Dr portas through alan shore. I may humble disciple of his work and his his work informed. Everything i do and he is backed by the Will be on in a couple of episodes to talk to you about his work But he has been able to show you know how the emotional landscape is built how the self is built and how this is a a. We've missed the fact that this is a bodily based experience and that the auto onomic nervous system sort of breaks accelerator of our system has been marginalized in our understanding of this thing. We call motions and feelings. Is that a good way to sort of bring it start actually going if you don't mind me dancing in spring it I actually Realized i finally realized that you were trained as an internist. And what i would say is to start this. I would say that. What i do is really the interface between internal medicine and psychiatry. Yes so You should find yourself feeling very much at home. With the linkage of the on a nommik nervous system to behavioral mental health disorders will and it. Maybe that's why you ended up in addiction medicine too. Because that's a similar crossroad You know it's it's very much you know medical. There's a lot of medical stuff going on. It's there's neurobiology that's completely out of whack there's interpersonal there's dynamic issues psychiatric issues but ultimately it is about the body and the body's relation to the brain and that is something that i think has been when people talk for instance talk. I'm getting off topic completely right away here but whenever hear people talking about you know Computers or artificial intelligence. I think wait a minute. Humans have this all other thing that they're embedded in that informed so much of what they're experiencing maybe it's all of what they're experiencing but it also informs what they're thinking how they remember things and how they process information. It's why there's things like intuition and why we have insights those actually our bodies creating those those sorts of moments. I suspect well. We are biological. I mean that's what we are and whatever we do whether it's art or music or social interactions. It's really based on our biology. And this tends to be you know marginalized this importance and as you've already realized that we live in a world that is very i'll use the term cognitive centric or cle biased. It's being the same thing that this little part of the brain that deals with our awareness and our alertness in our consciousness is the major role of our brain and it's not really To help our body run and the way. Our body is functioning also feedback and provides porto's of accessibility to different mental competencies.
It's a Wonderful Life With Gigi
"All right. Today's interview is released. Special gee-gee langer has been sober for thirty. Four years used a twelve step program but what is so wonderful about. Her story is all of the other resources that she's used to do. Even deeper healing. We talk about energy work. Inner child healing topping Rural linguistic reprogramming. Meditation cranial sacred healing and outta jillian really incredible books to read all of which are linked in the show notes. This is proof that healing goes on forever and that your recovery won't look the same forever. Either she is the author of the book fifty ways to worry less now and is retired in florida with her husband. It was an absolute joy to get to know her. Here's digi langer hygiene. How are you. I am great. I'm so glad to be here. And yeah i'm so excited to be having recovery. Happy hour with you today. Thank you for taking the time to to share your story of recovery. I'm going to start this interview. The same way i start every interview and that is what is your name and your sobriety date and would you have described yourself as a high or low functioning drinker when you were drinking langer smy name and my sobriety date is february. Eleventh nineteen eighty six. And i was still a high functioning. I except in the area of romance in the area romance. I was extremely low functioning. I mean are we ever high functioning their love and logic those two things. Just don't mix well well. Why don't we just say that to other people. It looked like i was high functioning dairy cow. Mary go. I think i'll i think all of the above is super relatable before we get into your story. Tell me real quick just about what you're doing right now where you live. How old you are what you do for a living family hobbies anything like that. I'm retired. And i'm a little over seventy and i live in southwest florida. I grew up outside of chicago area and then travelled all over in my rambunctious years twenties and thirties. And most of my time. I've lived in michigan for the last several years just this summer. My husband and i moved down to florida. We have a little condo here. We have our kitty with us. And i don't have any children. Because i couldn't stay married long enough and snow grandchildren. So yeah life is good. I don't know what else you asked me. I think that hobbies. What do you like to do for fun right now. In south florida. Play a little golf You know. I have a blog and a lot of service work and a a nonprofit. I'm on that helps. Connect women in sobriety and i do a newsletter and i'm working on another a workbook for how to worry less and my husband and i play we. We just have a good time yeah. I'm very grateful that is fantastic. We'll let's get into your story and in five ten minutes or less. Tell us how long you drink. Tell us how long it was a problem and why you decided to stop you know. It really wasn't a problem for a long time in high school. I got drunk really drunk once and got deathly ill and had a blackout and everybody said how fun. I was a couple of times in college. I got drunk and did not stupid things. And and then i got married and started a teaching career and and he didn't really drink so i drank very little toward the end of that that it. It's kind of a long story about that marriage. But anyway i was very desperate at the end and i discovered marijuana so in my you know. Twenty three or so. I discovered that marijuana killed the emotional pain that i was going through. I really preferred marijuana. I could drink about six. Or seven beers. You know and i got through grad school by getting high and at night to ease the stress and it was really when i was around thirty four years. Old let's see. I had already been divorced twice. I was finishing my doctorate. I had gotten through that with the aid of drugs and alcohol just to calm anxiety and And i lived with two other guys long term. And so i met this guy who was different from all the other guys and i thought. Oh this is. The john and i moved to michigan and we got married very fast and within nine months of marrying him. I went to a bar picked up a stranger and he had marijuana and i started having this affair. You know with this guy. And and i went out to bars a couple of more times when my husband was traveling. My third house but my new you know went home with strangers. Finally i went running to a psychologist. I said what is wrong. With this problem. I have a brand new phd from stanford. And i have this private cd life and my professional life is looking better and better in my private life was worse and worse and he said well you're in the early stages of alcoholism you know. He got my family history and He said just try for a month or two. Try having one or two drinks but stopping and see what happens. Well sure enough. I tried to do his experiment. And sometimes i have two drinks and stop just like a normal drinker. Other times i would have the two drinks and then it was third drink and fourth rank and pick up the stranger and do crazy things that no one could get me to leave and eventually it. I could see the pattern very clearly. That if i had even one drink i could not trust myself to do really dangerous things for myself and other people
Protect Your Sobriety Through Holiday Stress
"To this topic today about overcoming the overwhelm of holiday stress protect your sobriety through holiday stress. Okay that's what we're going to be focused on and you know the first thing i'm gonna talk about is planning ahead. Holiday season comes at the same time every year. There is no excuse for not being prepared. This season will probably be a little different because of corona virus. I know for me. Some of our family isn't going to travel just to be safe so our celebration will be smaller than normal. But i'm already thinking about my plan for myself right. There's no reason to sit back and do nothing and wait for the overwhelmed to crush you when you know it's coming and holidays stress isn't only about the parties and drinking either. There is added stress of preparation for travel or prep for people. Staying in your home. Cooking and baking. Like i talked about a minute ago. The grocery shopping for all the cooking and baking and of course the holiday gift shopping being surrounded by family members that we don't know all that well being in crowds social anxiety. All of it is exaggerated in at a higher level than normal and then throw in the corona virus on top of it all and the stress of trying to stay safe. Keep your family saved decide whether to have your celebration or not travel or not staying socially distanced through all the grocery shopping and gift shopping. I mean it's a lot it's just a lot. Did i even mention the financial stress of it. All i mean money money money going out every frigging direction. It's kind of funny to me too. Like i said holiday season comes the same time every year. So it's always a little bit amusing to me when i don't think about it earlier. You know what. I mean like the last couple of years. I've been really good about doing some of my shopping much earlier in the year. Instead of leaving it all till the last minute because it is stressful. I don't care if you have ten million dollars in the bank like it is stressful. When you just see your money going going going going going every direction so we all have stress in our everyday lives on some level right in the short term stress can be good it gives us a shot of cortisol and adrenaline and your body goodson action mode and keeps you focused and helps you get things done. But you can't live in that state long term you'll start having all kinds of crazy side effects mentally and physically. And it's just not sustainable. What i want you to focus on in the next couple of weeks is getting a plan together for yourself not just thinking about it. Haphazardly but really mapping out a plan to protect yourself protect your sobriety and keep your stress manageable. So you don't end up vulnerable to the drink right it out in your journal talk it through with your sponsor or your coach or your accountability. Person have a thorough plan in place for those of you. Who are really doing the sober thing and have made a true commitment. You've probably already started thinking about this. And the first thing i want you to think about is having some boundaries boundaries. Around your time and your schedule okay. I am a person who needs to take a time out here and there. I need to step away from the work. The phone the computer the family the dog the everything i need a few minutes to decompress get my thoughts in order and give myself a little pep talk and i need to do that in silence so the way i do. This is when i'm in any type of group situation whether it's business related friends or family or a. My escape is always to the bathroom. And if you've listened to this podcast for any length of time or for sure if you've been on a coaching call with me. You already know this is my thing my group actually in my six week program right now. We're just laughing at me about this the other day. But it's so true. We all have to go to the bathroom multiple times a day. Excusing yourself to the bathroom is acceptable in normal in any situation. Like it's the perfect escape if you need a minute so use that
Pleasure, Happiness and The Chemicals That Create Them.
"How y'all it's lynn from trillion with georgia and my little community is doing rain. Lots of buildings going up but it is chimney down here and cloudy. I can use me some sun. Hopefully you all are doing well and stain at least trying to stay healthy and getting ready for the best christmas that we can have during a pandemic for today's podcast as always it's coming from a place of curiosity about some posts i've been seen lately. I think this is how it goes on social media that you know these posts get passed around and shared and they're wonderful oftentimes Yeah probably a little bit of a perfectionist. Here they're missing some information. That's really valuable to connect things. I know i know i like to. I'd like to get deep. I know it's really frustrating. For some people but that is just as just me the have been about. Pleasure and happiness and including some that breakdown. Dopamine versus serotonin dopamine being attributed to pleasure and serotonin connected to happiness while these things are true. I'm gonna talk today about some of the details. The facts mini the difference between pleasure and that elusive happiness. Let's start with some basics. Dopamine and serotonin are both neuro transmitters fancy name for chemical messengers that transmit signals between cells and these things these transmissions regulate our body functions like mood sleep digestion and many many more things it's confusing because dopamine and serotonin can have similar effects on the body but they work differently. So let's dig a little deeper. There dopamine is stored in the brain and released into the bloodstream. When you experience pleasurable sensations like into music or eating something you enjoy. Dopamine plays a major role in your body's which by the way is your brain and in essence than your mind dopamine plays major role in your body's motivation and its reward system inciting positive mood feelings of productivity and heightened motivation. Now remember those three things positive mood. Feelings of productivity and heightened motivation. You've likely felt the effects of dopamine after accomplishing a difficult task or reaching a goal or reaching multiple goals while it does not precipitate the pleasure experience dopamine does serve to reinforce the pleasurable experience and dr christine stover. A licensed psychologist came up with this example. If you buy a lottery ticket on a whim you will not feel immediate sense of reward. However if you end up winning the lottery you're going to experience a rush of dopamine reinforcing the likelihood that you'll buy another ticket to experience the same thrill because dopamine is related to the reward system and reinforces these pleasurable experiences. It's thought to play a role in the addictive process including gambling and sex and all of these other behaviors that we use in order to get us. Some pleasure importantly dopamine also affects memory cognition. That's how we think sleep. Attention and ability to learn. Insufficient levels of dopamine are related to depression. Serotonin plays a role in how we process our emotions. How we feel about things. Serotonin is released into the bloodstream. After such things as exercising or being outside
Wine Plus Yoga With Trish
"All right. Let's get to our interview today. Get to tristesse you get me and tricia the yoga instructor. She was drinking while she was teaching. Proving that yes really healthy. People can experience addiction to she abstained from alcohol while staying sober living house but didn't actually start using recovery tools until about eight months into sobriety. We talk a lot about that. She's also mentioned her covid puppy which is the noise that you'll hear sporadically in the background throughout the interview. So no that's not my belly. That's dog and i'm excited for this one. Let's get to it. I'm trish how are you. I n well trish thank you for having me. I'm doing well so welcome. It's it's tricia times to today. It's exciting double the pleasure double the fun. Well if you would tell us your sober day. Whoa how long you've been sober for and would you have described yourself while you were drinking a high or low functioning drinker so my cyber date is january fourth two thousand eighteen I would consider myself a high functioning drinker There was one planes in my drinking career. I would say. I was holding three jobs. And just hustling. I like to stay busy Somehow inbetween the sleeping partying. My definitely my with jobs. I hear you on that one loud and clear before we get into your story. Tell us a little bit about about you where you live. How old you are what you do for a career hobbies. You know family anything like that. I live in fairfax. Virginia and i am forty five years old. I a yoga and fitness instructor for. I don't want to say. I love running but not not as much as i did before but really keeping any type of cardio movement whether it stands saying. Last week i rediscovered my love for boxing loving the fact that taking it easy and taking it slow so i wouldn't call myself full-fledged just quite yet because i have i am gps. I'm challenged so. I do like the the whole idea of just in just taking taking it. Easy and taking on my covid pop for walks. Well let's get into your story real quick in five or ten minutes or less. Tell us how long you drank. Tell us how long it was a problem and why you decided to stop I would say good. I started drinking when i was thirteen in. It was really your typical being tween discovering that how much fun it was to sneak. The beers sneak the wine coolers. I wanted to be a part of of the cool kids and to me. That was it. As i got older of again i would save it. All of my drinking was very typical in high school. It was your parties and it was the beer. I started tame i would say it started out with wine. Coolers than than beer guess I blackout or dealings with liquor in my senior year in high school Which that would be my first bruce as well in college. I don't wanna sugar coated. But i felt like i was doing sort of everything that everybody else is doing so i never felt that it was again i was going to school. I was working on two three jobs as in stories. I was functioning while i was i was never. I don't recall it for being depressed. I don't recall ever hunkering down. I want to save it. I did get my first. Dui i believe that it was in nineteen ninety. Six as i looked down and but still didn't it still didn't stop me. How old were you. I believe it was twenty. Three okay and i was working in the restaurant business and this was awesome. I i Foray with other substances. I'm on in not just alcohol. So in that i e y It was almost a slap on the wrist in average discharge reckless driving
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE
"Alcohol was a looming cloud in this bankers. Bright sky with rare foresight. He realized it could become a tornado. How can a person with a fine family and attractive home. An excellent position in high standing in an important city. Become an alcoholic as i later found out. Through alcoholics anonymous. Alcohol is no respecter of economic status social and business standing or intelligence. I was raised like the majority of american boys coming from a family of modest circumstances attending public schools having the social life of a small mid western town with part-time work in some athletics. The ambition to succeed was instilled in me by my scandinavian parents who came to this country where opportunities were so great. Keep busy always have something constructive to do. I did work of all kinds after school and during vacations trying to find that which would appeal most as a goal for a life work then there was world war. Want to interrupt my plans and in education to be picked up after the war after that came marriage getting started and business and family. The story is not very different from that of thousands of other young men in my generation. It shows nothing or no one to blame for alcoholism. The drive to get ahead to succeed kept me too busy for many years to have any great experience with social life i would have begrudged the time or money for alcohol in fact i was afraid to try it for fear that i would wind up like many examples. I had seen excessive drinking in the army. During the prohibition era i was intolerant of people who drank particularly those who drank in violation of the law in time i became an officer and director of one of the largest commercial banks in the country i achieved recognized and national standing in my profession as well as becoming a director in many important institutions having to do with the civic life of a large city i had a family to be proud of actively sharing in the responsibilities of good citizenship. My drinking did not start. Until after. I was thirty. Five and a fairly successful career had been established but success brought increase social activities. And i realized that many of my friends enjoyed a social drink with no apparent harm to themselves or others. I dislike being different. So ultimately i began to join them occasionally. At first it was just that an occasional drink then. I looked forward to the weekend of golf. In the nineteenth hole. The cocktail hour became a daily routine. Gradually the quantity increased the occasions for a drink came more frequently a hard day worries and pressure bad news. Good news there were more and more reasons for drank. Why did i want increasingly greater quantities of alcohol. It was frightening. That drank was being substituted for more and more of the things. I really enjoy doing golf. Hunting and fishing were now merely excuses to drink excessively. I made promises to myself my family and friends and broke them. Short dry spells ended in heavy drinking. I tried to hide my drinking by going places where i was unlikely to see anyone. I knew hangovers remorse. Were always with me. The next steps were bottle. Hiding and excuses for trips in order to drink without restraint. Cunning baffling powerful the gradual creeping up of the frequency and quantity of alcohol. And what it does to a person is apparent to everyone but the person involved when it became noticeable to the point of comment i devised ways of sneaking drinks on the side rehearsals then became a part of the pattern stopping at bars on the way to or from the place where drinks were to be served. Never having enough always craving more the obsession for alcohol gradually dominated all my activities particularly while traveling
What is Narrative Psychology? Exploring Recovery Via The Stories We Tell.
"So is narrative psychology. It is psychology from the perspective or focus on how we humans create meaning from the experiences in our lives by per train ourselves. As a protagonist in these stories protagonists simply is the leading character in a major set of characters in the drama. And i use that word not the way. We many people kind of ubiquitously used that word. I mean the drama. The movie the novel of our personal lives. I am a firm believer along with many people in my profession. That your narrative of your life it is the primary means in which you tell communicate the meaning of your life and the values and beliefs that you have not only to others but to yourself. And i would argue that to yourself. Piece is the most important how we tell. The story of our lives is as important or even more important than the actual content of the stories. We know again in that adults who suffer with mood problems. Substance use issues often have many positive memories but in re-lane the stories they generally rely on the negative ones emphasizing detail of disappointment or harm and of course as always. I like to point out that trauma has a different take. What i'm describing today is not to re traumatize people because oftentimes more traumatized. We don't tell that story to others. At least we might tell it to ourselves and often we tell that story to ourselves subconsciously through the inner critic but in terms of really understanding how we perceive the storyline of our lives. It's important to learn how to negotiate an attuned to what you're focusing on and so so many of us focus on the negative outcomes without including the most important part and that is you're still here. How did you navigate. How did you cope with that particular. Negative experience just like in the movies. We tend to take on roles. We cast ourselves as victims as martyrs as people who think the outcome is always the best or perfect or those of us who are always bracing for the worst in life. It's so very important to understand that our stories are based on others mostly by those who raised us and role model their own philosophies of life their own belief systems and value systems and we hit topped those and integrate those into explaining our experiences. I are stories. Explain to the world and to ourselves. Our perception of the world are perception in view of the events of our lives our relationships in life and it determines how we behave how we move forward or. Don't the blocks that we have or the blessings. It's so interesting to start listening. Not only to the stories that you tell yourself and of course others about yourself but how others tell you stories about them and then how that affects. Can you see it. Came you observe it how that affects your relationship with them and vice versa. We all have these stories that we've generated about ourselves over time and it's incredibly i opening when you discovered that these stories represent for the most part of very limited view of who you are. They get in the way more often than not they. Stop us from having true intimacy when we tell ourselves that were fearful of him
The Three Questions to Ask Yourself When Facing A Personal Crisis.
"Any other year. And this time of the year we start talking about those of us in the mental health realm. We'd start talking about how to cope with the holidays and especially for those who are struggling with some kind of substance abuse or mental health disorder whether it's mild moderate or severe. That's the spectrum that we're looking at when we're talking about substance use and mental health issues. Many of you are seeking answers. Like what can i do right now. That will turn this around. How do i stop drinking. Or how do i stop arguing with my family. How do i st- up feeling so lonely. How do i get happy. And those of us in the industry are pop off answers to those questions left and right. I'm going to tell you the truth. It comes down to slowing down. I if you are in personal crisis of any kind whether it be mental health fiscal health physical health. What you need to first and foremost is ask yourself three questions number one. What do i need right now right here and now number two. Who can help me right now. Right here and now number three. What are three things. I can do today right now here and now to get that need met in the year twenty twenty. We have been to you. S- crisis intervention over and over and over again. Which is why. I wanna come back to the very basic necessities and needs of your personal being especially during the time that ramps up to this massive holiday and this if you're in the us massive changeover on our leadership front and other issues in the world that seems so overwhelming because we're in a pandemic a world pandemic and financial crises. These are big big crises. It's not the every now and then kind of stuff that throws a curve ball but guess what those things are still happening to the things that happen when we least expect it or have been slowly brewing over time. I always like to start with. Oh lynn how do i recognize. I'm in crisis. Just in case you need a little help here you might be finding yourself feeling watchful and on guard you might have unusual tiredness or an inability to sleep big one for many of us. You may have difficulty in thinking. Clearly that cannot be attributed to you getting older or being on medication or the time of year are pandemic. All of those things will have effect on you. But there's this intuition that tells you it's something more you might have repetition of thoughts and images related to an experience of trauma or emotional impact. You could be irritable and full of anxiety which is not normal day to day anxiety. You might have feelings of being unsafe or extremely vulnerable. You might have some depression that is lingering in causing you not to engage near life fully same thing with anxiety. You might have questions of self doubt and really. Don't feel good at all about yourself or you may have had massive change in your life. That is shaking you to your core in your found yourself looking at your life goals and orientation toward life. These things make it very difficult for you to think. Clearly they hijack your mind and if you're drinking a drug alcohol or taking other drugs that are not prescribed to you or taking prescription drugs that you're not quite following the label directions on these are the makings of
Living Sober FAQs
"We're going to do a little compilation. A little collection of frequently asked questions so get questions. obviously all my social media platforms people. Message me. ask questions questions in the facebook group email. Everybody's got a lot of questions about sobriety and getting sober quitting drinking all of those things. One of my favorite things to do is answer questions in live videos so i'll go live usually facebook and youtube. I'll go live in. Just do maybe a five or ten minute video answering whatever questions have come in. Or what's popular at that time. So what i did. Is i took a few of those videos. Only a few not nothing crazy. I took a few of those videos. And i took the audio from them. And we're gonna do a compilation episode of frequently asked questions and these are three questions. Literally that i get over and over again. I'm forever most popular things that come up all the time in recovery and we're going to start with a big struggle in the twelve step world sponsorship. Most people get a really weird feeling about sponsorship self included. I was the same way. When i got sober and i started going a. It didn't make sense to me. You know by nature the majority of ice with addiction or very rebellious obstinate. And we don't like authority. Usually in any form and i think there's this sense of like sponsors. Are your boss right. They're gonna tell you what to do and like a good super immature alcoholic. Like i was when i quit drinking. Super emotionally immature. That was my thought process around sponsorship. In i was like i don't need somebody telling me what to do. I don't need somebody to call. And ask what i need to buy at the store how i need to act in this situation. You know i was just such a. I was such an immature self-centered little brat right. I didn't understand at all. The dynamic of sponsorship in what is really meant to do and that this is a person being of service to me for free giving me their time and energy and knowledge that i just didn't even have the capacity to understand it from that point of view because of course i was completely selfish and self absorbed and only thinking about how it would affect me. How's this gonna work for me. How do i feel about it. I'm so glad. I have grown out of that really really grateful that my sponsor taught me how to have a more mature grown-up humanistic approach to life. Right in that service a sponsor is not your boss. A sponsor is just someone who has walked this walk before you has gotten farther than you and they're going to help you figure it out to get farther also so here is the audio from facebook live. I did about sponsorship in honor of full transparency. Like i was super weird about sponsorship when i got sober it was not a concept that i was like down for immediately right out the gate It was a struggle for me. So i get where you're coming from also in my sober living houses. I see this a lot too. I feel like we have a tendency to kind of overthinking and remember. You're not marrying this person right. This is no different than if you hire a coach or something like you can fire us as you are sponsor and as your sponsor. Arkansas are you too. So don't feel like you're getting into this major commitment and there's no way out of eight and it's so serious and like this person is going to be your boss or something like that's not what it's about at all. The other thing. I want to talk about is remember that we are just people as sponsors like literally. We are just people just like you. We have our own issues. Every single sponsor kind of has their own way of doing things. You know many years ago when i really sponsored a lot of people i did ask them to call me every day and i had good reason for that because my time is fairly limited right in. If i'm going to work with somebody. I will give you of energy and time that i have that i need to know that you're really in it in the you're willing and that you're in a place that you're ready to work for your sobriety because it's not always easy and it doesn't always feel good so if you can't do something as simple as calling
Sober Holiday Survival
"Welcome to recovery. Happy hour where we talk about life beyond the bottle and what happens after we stop drinking. I'm your host tricia and in my stocking this year. I hope santa brings me the limited edition. David bowie barbie doll that sold out last year. Despite my attempts to tell santa to preorder it from two different game stop locations just in case. Thank you for joining me well. Happy december or folks. We are smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. And i believe you can absolutely do this without drinking last week. We talked about tips for staying alcohol-free this holiday season and today i'm going to complete the rest of that list so go back and listen to last week's episode if you haven't already come back and join me when you're done. Are you back okay. today. I'm going to start off with this alcohol-free tip focus on the event you're celebrating. Yup parties are usually meant to celebrate a thing. You know an event a person whatever beyond our own addiction or gray area drinking problem whatever you wanna call it. It's also are usually our garbage culture that turns drinking into the focus of an event so for a holiday party. Think about what you're celebrating. That's jesus or hanukkah or just getting together with your family. Mix celebrating that thing your goal. Maybe you've got a relative in town who you normally don't get to see. Take some time to celebrate that you know catch up with them. Maybe it's getting to hold a new baby or play with your nieces and nephews. You can use these opportunities without alcohol to really be present and those moments and appreciate everything that's memorable and real about them. I always say the same thing about birthdays and weddings. The event is to celebrate a person doing something really special so make them what. You're celebrating because it's not all about us and getting drunk last week. I asked everyone to write a list of things. We like about the holidays and use that list as a resource and celebrate those things so find things to get excited about. It can be whatever you want. Bring ingredients to make a really cool any drink with like twelve different components get dressed up where high heels that you don't have to worry about falling off of bring a game like look for things to make a party fund because parties are supposed to be just that fun a great way to stay busy and distract yourself if you need. It is to help the hostess or the host or the person who's having the party go cleanup napkins offer to wash plates offer to help i guarantee you that. If you're listening to this podcast then you have absolutely been a party hosts worst nightmare at point in your life so use this as an opportunity to give back and level out your car a little bit. Here's a simple one. do not i repeat. Do not offer to be the designated driver. Especially if it's a party that might go late if you're feeling freaked out and you need to bail. Then you don't need a reason to stay put. You should always have an exit plan. You know and being someone's dd cancels that out entirely the couple of times that i've offered to do this. I ended up staying at a party way too late when i really just needed to go home. It's twenty twenty. We have uber and left for a reason so let people use it. You know a big part of getting through the holidays without alcohol is learning how to deal with our most triggering loved ones and having the tools not to drink over it boundaries are really big deal boundaries are a big deal for example if you know that someone at the gathering relentlessly pushes shots on you. Then no you're boundary ahead of time if that person offers me a shot. I'm going to say xyz if they keep offering me shots. I'm going to make my exit. You know you create a boundary beforehand. And if someone crosses the line you already know what to do to stay healthy and sober. You know it's just about having a plan had time. Another example is if you have a typical pattern. That's a reason behind your drinking like if communicating with your parents tends to be tents and. Let's say they're always saying something passive aggressive and you've never spoken up about it but instead you've always pushed it down and drink over it. Well this is the time to find a boundary not saying that you need to confront them during christmas and try to resolve like twenty five years of old trauma but you can say something like i need to go get some fresh air. I'm gonna go for a quick walk around the block. That's a boundary. You know when you decided not to engage in an activity that triggers you to drink or maybe it's one of those all day christmas parties that starts at eleven. Am and goes until midnight where everyone's been drinking for like thirteen straight hours. Maybe you've always stuck around because you thought that that was expected of you and you never had the words to speak up this year. Consider telling everyone beforehand that you've made plans for the second half of the day and you have to leave at three o'clock maybe your pet sitting any need to go home and feed the dog. It's up process of planning ahead and saying if this thing happens then i will choose to do this thing because it will keep me from drinking.
"And suicide research. There's this thing called a psychological autopsy and it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like a snapshot of someone's mental state leading up to their death. A lead investigator collects personal. And biographical information and conducts formal interviews with family members friends and any doctors who may have treated them. It is a lot of information but the one voice that's rarely in the mix the person who died so this week we are doing our own pseudo psychological autopsy and reviewing tolleys story from five different perspectives tally through her personal documentation janice developmental psychologist sharon. Who we just heard from their middle sister noah and bhatia their mom. They were so nervous and i didn't understand why now i am too. That's all they told me all the time to be heard by a lot of people this i don't care i'm talking about my daughter. I feel comfortable in advance of our conversation. Noah and sharon assured me that i'd love bhatia and i assure you were not wrong. She is great. Bhatia was eager to tell me all about tali her oldest daughter and such an incredible blessing. I couldn't have children for like four years the fifth year. I got pregnant and head. Tally and it was the happiest day of my life. She had a wicked sense of humor. I mean she was funny sarcastically. Funny but She wasn't happy in right just after everything happened. I realized the chosen. Happy most of our life in putting this season together. We heard a lot of stories a key. Plot point was we had no idea. They were even struggling. This is not one of those stories. You know i remember a child like four or five my friends with us the smile and it five. I took her to a psychology. That wasn't a good experience I knew that her life will not be easy because she went bump heads with everything. I knew it's not the best but you know there were good moments. They're excellent moments but mo- yeah she was not a happy i while talking to bhatia. She kept reiterating. That tally was unhappy. She knew her daughter was depressed but still as a mom she never saw this coming. You don't ever think about someone killing themselves. That was definitely unexpected in tragedy. Lusts to tell the story of this tragedy. Let's start around. The time tally was five. The family had moved from israel to pennsylvania and they eventually settled in michigan. There was some culture shock language barriers. And tali really struggled to make friends in the depression doc. Tali tells this story about kicking her kindergarten teacher after not getting her way but he definitely remembers this moment she had to go to school and beg the principal to give me another chance after a while. The teacher's sister is from israel came to class and she said with dolly. It was amazing because she talked her in english. And tally answered in hebrew and they realized she's knows everything i i m sure that she was a genius she was. Interestingly tully doesn't mention this part of the story in the depression history she says quote. My mom tells me a story of how kicked my kindergarten teacher because she wouldn't give me the scissors. Which tells you that. I wasn't an easy child right from the start. There's no mention of the hebrew speaking teacher sister or her inability to communicate. She says she doesn't remember specifics. But no she had no friends and didn't get along with other kids. She mentions not getting invited. Birthday parties or sleepovers after school activities. She had a problem. She would make friends but she could keep them. That was her. that was her her character.
UNTO THE SECOND GENERATION
"A young veteran tells how few rupp experiences pushed him into a and how he was therefore spared years of suffering. My eyes opened onto a hazy world. Two fuzzy came into focus slowly. I realized i was in bed. And that the objects were my feet in case in a harness affair. I blinked slowly as i shifted my gaze to my arms. They also were held in some sort of strap or to gradually consciousness. Returned enough to let me know. I was in a hospital looked about the room. At one end of the bed near the foot was a printed card and beneath that was a chartered graph. I couldn't focus enough to make out the chart. But the card contained two words acute alcoholism. Then it came to me. I was in a hospital. The place hawaii the year. Nineteen forty eight. I closed my eyes and tried to think. I remembered having had a little drink of whiskey with a can of warm beer as a chaser. Then something happened. What was it. i couldn't recall. I opened my eyes again and a shadow fell across the bed. Standing there was a gray haired man tall trim and in uniform. There were gold bars on his shoulders. I'm in the us navy. This must be the doctor. He asked how i felt. I didn't reply. A cormon stood beside him. The doctor motion to the corman to undo my straightjacket and leg restraints. I moved about a little. The doctor sat down beside the bed and asked me how i felt. Do you know why you're in here. He queried. I could tell him a lot of reasons why i am here in elke ward at the age of twenty. I don't know how. I got here this trip but it doesn't matter very much i'm an alcoholic. Don't mince words. i'm a rummy. I can't control my drinking anymore. It controls me. I remember back in high school. When i was fifteen we all had lockers. The other pupils kept books pencils paper gym equipment and such stuff in their lockers. I did too. I also kept beer at fifteen. Was strictly a beer drinker. I didn't graduate to the hard stuff until i was sixteen. The other kids would light out for the hamburger hud's or the ice cream parlors. The pizza joins or bowling alleys after football games and dances. I didn't. I went to saloons where i could get drinks. I didn't give a whoop about anything. Scholastic i got a job after school pumping gas and worked until ten or eleven. At night i was the kid of the crew. I tried to mimic the talk ideas moods and even the drinking of the older man. It hurt to be considered a kid. I talked out of the side of my mouth as they did. I smoke this much. Tried to drink as much and do everything they did. Only more so. I found i could boost my income by selling gas. Coupons rationing was in effect. Then that i'd taken in earlier from other customers by filching nichols from the coke machine by short sticking customers on oil and by selling oil. I drained out of other cars. School was getting to be one big bore. I was skipping classes about two days a week and doing no book work whatever. I was failing in everything. The principal had no alternative but to expel me. I beat him to it. I quit when i was just past sixteen. I had a drinking problem on my hands even at that time. So did my parents. They both drank like fish. They had been drinking for many years. And we're getting progressively worse. Homelife didn't mean much to me. They were kind when they thought about it. But that wasn't often i wanted love and affection but i didn't get it. I did as i pleased most of the time. I wasn't burdened with parental guidance. And i didn't want any. I ran away for the second time with another lad. We got to omaha for my home in chicago. We headed out of town walking. No money cold and hungry. It was late at night. We spotted a church in a small town. We broke open a window and got inside. We started to light some matches to see but the draft blew them out so we rolled old newspapers together and made torches to find a good soft pugh and get some sleep. My torch blazed madly in the pew caught fire. We heard some yells outside. A busload of basketball players had been passing and saw the flames. They summoned the fire department. And the sheriff. I spent the next three days in a sell. My dad who was a newspaper man and had some connections. Had meantime put a stop on me. And i guess that report went all over the country. We were identified. And i was put on a train for chicago. The sheriff bad as goodbye very happily. I think dad paid him something to let me go
"Hi everyone. Welcome to recovery. Happy hour where we talk about life beyond the bottle and what happens after we stopped drinking. I'm your host tricia. And i've had christmas decorations up including bringing nonstop pine tree scented candles since october twenty seventh. Thank you for joining me today. This intro topic was a very last minute thing but something happened to me last week that i thought you might benefit from it if i told you about it and that is forgiving yourself. I'm going to dive right into this. Is i've said before. I got sober in november of two thousand sixteen just after the trump presidential election so while that election was going on my drinking was at its worst. I was drinking everyday blacking out most of the time. I never knew what was going to happen. Once i had my first drink and i was in a deep deep. Shame spiral because. I didn't want anyone to know about my problem. I was obsessed with trying to make it. Look like i had my life together. Now when you quit drinking you get a whole year of sober firsts. Your first holiday season your first birthday. The triggers of seasonal changes in the weather sober sexting heartbreak stress. Cetera you know doing all these things for the first time without hall and after a full calendar year most of your i had been checked off the list but with the twenty twenty election. I was getting an unexpected i. I was experiencing my first presidential election without drinking but worse experiencing all of the triggers. That reminded me of when my drinking was really really dark. So when election day came this year couple of weeks ago i was nervous and i was even more nervous the next day as we awaited results sometimes when i have an anxiety attack which to be. Fair is very common for me. It feels like i'm pulled into a vacuum and sucked back in time to relive a moment from my past. Many things can trigger phenomenon in my brain but the day after the election this year was one of those instances all the stress and the nerves had the same flavor as the stress and nerves. I felt in two thousand sixteen and they triggered a total rerun of memories laced with shame self hatred confusion and the feeling of being physically ill every day in my anxiety attack. I relived with the worst of my drinking. Felt like. I happened to be in new york city during the election that year. I remember going to a concert at madison square garden. I remember trying desperately to keep drinking under control because my friend at the concert with me in recovery. And i didn't want him to know i had a problem. I remember ending our night early because out. Drinking the way that i wanted to drink alone was more important than visiting with my friend. I hadn't seen in a long time. I remember a handful of random bars. I don't remember leaving half of them. I remembered making friends with strangers under neon lights that i'd never see again except for in my endless stream of selfish on my phone the next day and i remember waking up every single morning feeling the same way feeling like i hated myself you know i was angry that i couldn't get this drinking thing right and i felt like a failure when i came to after this panic attack after reliving these memories i was shaking and not really sure how to process what i just felt but luckily i had therapy that night and talked about it with my therapist. She suggested doing more of the inner child work that i've been doing. But instead of going back to my child self go back to tricia in november of two thousand sixteen and work on forgiving her instead. If you go back and listen to episode one hundred and to know that inner child healing is a method of reconnecting with the traumas that we may have experienced as a child to connect some of the reasons for our adult fears are habits or certain life patterns when we begin to understand them. We can start healing them and for me this has been a lot of forgiveness work keno going back and imagining sitting with little anxious perfectionist tricia and forgiving her for all the things she was always shaming herself for. It's been a powerful exercise. So i made some time the next morning to try this same exercise with two thousand sixteen election era tricia. Here's what i figured out. There have been so many times. When i've looked back at my past and rolled my eyes at my decision making when i was drinking. I've called myself names. I've shamed myself a beat myself up for taking so long to quit. But you know what i haven't done haven't accepted the fact that i was doing the very best i knew how to do. With the time you know with those limited coping skills that i had no one taught me how to sit and journal my feelings without them. Being numbed by alcohol no therapists said tricia. You're going to process your divorce a lot faster. If you let yourself feel your pain. No one pulled me aside and said you're working too much. Maybe you could be kinder to yourself and not spend your few free hours of the day inside of a bottle drinking. It always worked for me. You know what. I was comfortable doing and even when it started working against me. I just didn't have the tools to know of any kind of alternative so in that forgiveness meditation. Last week i sat with twenty sixteen tricia and forgave her for just doing her best. She was sad. She was scared she needed someone to say you're going to be okay. It's not all your fault. I forgive you for all of it. And i love. You
Altogether You with Jenna Riemersma
"Hello everyone welcome to the addicted. Mind podcast my guest. Today is jenna remers. mma and i'm really excited to have gone. She's going to talk about internal family systems and how that can be helpful for anyone. Who's struggling with addiction but A lot of different issues as well so jenna. Do you want to introduce yourself please. I'd love to thanks to gain. I'm jenna riemersma and i'm the clinical director of the atlanta center for relational healing. I'm also teaching faculty for the international institute of trauma and addiction professionals as well as at a recovery network and every released a new book on internal family systems called altogether. You awesome. so. I'm so excited that they're coming on because i have had some experience. Some training in internal family systems. And i really like it. And i really like it. As a way of relating to yourself so i'm excited to talk about this topic but before we start i want to know a little bit more about you. And what got you into this work. And how did you find this and stuff like that. Absolutely well i'll tell you what the day that i encountered internal family systems really turned my life upside down. I have been in private practice for a long time. I've worked in residential care and you have been trained in every model of therapy under the sun an i f s which is abbreviated version of internal family systems. Suddenly made it makes sense and it made sense of my own struggles and of the struggles of my clients and it gave me language to really find healing much more effectively into really name. The positive intent of all of the things that we struggle with at ifs as a way of approaching our struggles with literally no shame with only the embodiment of grace and love and compassion for ourselves and for others that truly has the power to transform everything. And i think that's such a struggle when you talk about shame. How do we relate to ourselves in a way that especially for shame bound and we've had a lot of trauma our life. It's like it is hard to talk to ourselves absolutely and when we know as you and i do as addiction professionals that shame is one of the driving forces of addiction then sometimes the way that we have an internal narrative about our addictive behavior or our struggles or our feelings that we don't like or want it only serves to make that shame worse so in our minds. I if we conceptualize ourselves as a monolithic entity as one singular entity than. We're going to say things. Like i am an addict. I am depressed. I am anxious but when we understand that actually at our core we are a dynamic loving undamaged compassionate connected courageous curious self and that it's actually are parts that have become burdened with addictive behaviors or with depressive feelings or anxious feelings and they take over sometimes and they caused us to feel a certain way or to do certain things but they're not who we are at our core intrinsically that changes everything and not only that when we actually grasped the core principle of ifs. Which is that. All of our parts are actually good. And i'll say that again. Because that's about as counterintuitive. Comes all of my parts all of your parts. All of the parts of everyone of our listeners are good even if they are stuck doing or feeling things that are not good like acting out addictive or feeling yucky feelings. The parts are good and they're carrying are trauma and they're trying their best to help us not feel pain
Scientist Jean Deenmamode on CDT testing
"I expect is scientists zoll teen mom. Won't he's going to talk to us about the cdt test. When i was drinking the wine every i was vaguely where i was harming myself but because i never saw any proof of that i just have. Don't doing it now if my daughter had done a cdt tests on me and show me the results in black and white. I think that would have shocked me into making a change so this episode is all about explaining water. Cdt test is and how he can get one. I started our conversation by asking. You shown to tell me. But about himself and how he discovered the cdt test. Indeed well hello everybody at all your your listeners. Well i'm saw. I've been living in the uk for the boss forty three years now. It is based in london. And originally i was born in On the island of mauritius which is not too far from south africa answer. I'm matt familiar with a tropical southern hemisphere more so and in fact overrule was assessing this today at thirty two years diagnostic laboratory experience as both a clinical scientist and abide medical scientists. The latter requires more if you like getting once hints deji on the bench and doing the. We're kind of jokes. So i do enjoy that fall. Mole two thousand and eight. Somebody said to me to the test at school cdt. And i had no idea what city was what did did stateful at to me. It's something new that's coming out and we're commercialising it. It's to people who are at risk of chronic alcohol consumption and yet curiously. Why not and what. I was working there would be. People would come into the emergency department at night in the hospital and would have taken but nobody they would be smelling about. Also you could literally spend the or and you would think they'd be venturing or whatever so automatically. The doctors would have to ask for a request for a alcohol to be done. And this is a single time. Point measurement us through Might be and i saw. I render buys those samples. So i had no idea who they were and read these same samples anonymously on that cd on the liza and to my surprise i found out those who were testing negative for having consume alcohol when they were being admitted had this elevated cdt. And i couldn't understand why. And most of those who were drinking. And in fact where i imagine bhai now would be closed as chronic drinkers had both elevated auto an elevated cdt. So it became very mantra curiosity and between two thousand eight twenty ten. I did a lot of Of the swear in that manner. They went many samples private referral laboratories full on behalf of airline. Where taking it interest into this mollica. Because we're just the basic tests at started getting work from these companies. Also and i was invited to present some of my work in the netherlands in amsterdam in twenty twelve december so that was just after the olympics and unbeknownst to me there were representatives of the international federation of clinical chemistry present and this is known as the ifc see. This is the body that if you like it. It's full of international orla clinicians scientists and so on that all the blood test we have done in a laboratory. They approve that so that any tests that you have done that they approved so these people were there as representatives. Ocd the ifc members suggested that i joined the group which at the time they were trying to if you like rationalized how cdt was being done and make it a more recognized test. It was like sort of research. Talk to the time. So i did Issue like express my interest and by twenty fifteen. I ended up becoming a member of this working group and nothing lead. Did i just become a member. But in twenty eight thousand nine. They found myself being the chair of the ifc cdt working group which is an enormous platform personally for me and since then the icco's taken on bullet that a Full front to promote the test. Educate about the of cd
THE PROFESSOR AND THE PARADOX
"Says he we surrendered to win we give away to keep we suffer to get well and we die to live. I am in the public information business. I use that phrase or designation because if I say I am a college professor everybody always has a tendency to run the other way back when they learn that I am a specialist in English. They have looks of horror for fear that they are going to slip up and say ain't I often wish I sold shoes or insurance or fixed automobiles or plumbed pipes. I would have more friends. My story is not a great deal different from others except in a few specific details all the roads of alcoholism leads the same place and condition. I suppose I have always been shy sensitive fearful envious and resentful which in turn leads one to be arrogantly independent a defiant personality. I believe I got a PhD degree principally because I wanted to either how do or defy everybody else. I have published a great deal of scholarly research. I think for the same reason. Such determination such striving for Perfection is undoubtedly an admirable and practical quality to have for a while. But when a person makes is such a quality with alcohol that quality and eventually cut him almost two pieces, at least it did. So to me, I began drinking as a social Drinker in my early twenties drinking constituted no problem for me until well after I finished graduate school at the age of thirty but as the tensions and anxieties of my life began to mount and the setbacks from Perfection began to increase I finally slipped over the long between moderate drinking and alcoholism no longer what I drink a few beers or a cocktail or two and let it go at that no longer did I let months or even weeks go by without liquor laws and when drinking I entered what I now know was the dream world of alcoholic fantasy then for about five years of progressively worse, alcoholic drinking a filling my life and home with more and off. Or wreckage it looked as if I were going to ride this toboggan of Destruction to The Bitter End, maybe I didn't get as bad as some of the others. I must confess that I never went to teach one of my classes drunk or drinking but I've been awfully hung over. My pattern was to be drunk at night boil myself out to creep to work in the morning drunk the next night found myself out in the morning drunk again the next night boil myself out the next morning. I may not have drunk as much whiskey as some but there isn't anybody who's drunk anymore Sal hepatica than I have. Now. There are all kinds of drunks Melancholy drunks sleeping drunks traveling drunks slap happy and stupid drunks and a number of other varieties. I was a self-aggrandizing and occasionally violent drunk. You wouldn't think a little fellow like me could do much damage, but when I'm drunk, I'm pure Dynamite. I'm not sure. Into any of the details the university can fire me yet. I came to believe actually that life was not worth living unless I could drink I was utterly miserable and sometimes desperate living off with a feeling of impending Calamity. I knew something was bound to break loose and to do away with such a fear. I would try a little more drinking with the inevitable result for by the time one drink would set up in me that irresistible urge to take another and another until I was down or hungover and in trouble in a hungover stage, I would vow never to touch another drop and then be drunk the next night.
6 Months Sober
"Worked super hard for it. Here is Christine. Hey Christine, thank you so much for coming on and doing this recording with me. I love it when I get to have quote-unquote real people come on the ship. Oh, so that's why don't you just take a minute and tell everybody a little bit about yourself and a little bit of your story. Sure. I'm Christine and I've been working with you for about six months now, I think and I've been struggling with alcohol for well, it became problematic. I should say from 2014 and then I spent the next several years trying to be sober doing it my own way and you know as we all know you you try to limit it to the weekends. You try to limit it to when you go out you try all sorts of things and it just doesn't really pan out that well because you're a master at tricking yourself into believing you can actually handle it and then in 2017, it kind of started to become problematic people around me. Started to point out to me that I was drinking too much not necessarily peripheral people but family Etc and it led to a couple of cents of the hospital. I did a couple of detox bath is I did IOP. But again, it was very much. I felt that it was very much a outside world trying to control me and I just continued it anyway in certain age. So before 90 days I was over for 60 days and every time a big event or in my mind a big event kind of threw me into screw this I'm going to try to just go back to handle myself then finally in October 2019. I decided mainly because I was put through an ultimatum to go to rehab and it's a 30-day treatment. I hated the word rehab. I think it's you know has connotations. But anyway, I went it was in October nineteen and I went there and I thought We ended up enjoying it a lot. It's very much getting you to surrender. And again, I had a very hard problem. I showed up very mentally or my name is strong saying look just hand me the solution. I understand what the problem is. I just need to fix this. What's the recipe what I need to do and nobody could really do that or I guess that's not how it works, but nobody handed me the recipe. So I went through the program and they wouldn't get you to schedule a day ahead and it just drove my control freak side mad, but I went through the program. I did it wrong. I enjoyed it. I even got slightly spiritual and I got out and I felt really good the problem when you get out of a rehab or a program like that is that you've been completely isolated from The Real World, but you go back to the world where basically all your problems or all the perceived problems exist. So you just get dumped right back into this whole world where birth Of you to drink so to speak right now. We can all discuss what actually drives you to drink but that's your perception and I've spoken to a lot of people that come out of rehab that that that's the the world right you go back into like nothing has happened and you your surroundings whoever knows about your drinking or or using these kind of thinking. Oh now she's fixed. So let's just go on with everything, you know, it kind of start, you know, you can move the alcohol away, which is fine. Some people can do some sort of effort around you but you essentially go back to your old environment, which I have a strong will so for a long time. So I would think I was sober 90 days including the 30 days at Mountainside.